The Bisensual Blog

Final Post?

2009-03-22T17:14:00.005-06:00

I have moved past this blog and my fears - with its help. Writing all this helped me sort out my feelings and explore fantasies in a free and anonymous environment. It served me well, but the time has come to move on.

Patrick and I broke up soon after I became disinterested in sex. I found myself thinking of nothing but women when he and I were having sex, I lost interest in gay porn and surfing the net for thick, juicy cocks. It's as if being with him brought me a greater clarity about my sexuality. But in a way that I did not expect. I don't know what I'd been afraid of all these years. Gay sex is really no big deal, it's just a matter of whether that gets you off or not. And everyone has a right to get off.

I used to be homophobic, until I realized that I was afraid of my own gay side. Once I got the courage to explore that side of me, I found out that it wasn't something to be afraid of.

To anyone who might just now be wondering if they're gay, please don't hesitate to get out there and get laid - find out NOW because life is too short to keep yourself from being happy. Just go for it.

-Benny

Takin' a Break

2009-01-27T10:49:00.003-07:00

Been at this blog for six months to the day. I've come a long way to figuring this all out, much in part thanks to this blog. And now I need a break. Don't know when I'll be back, as writing has been hard for me lately. Though I'm still confused and searching, I'm having trouble putting my feelings to words. Don't know if this is "goodbye" but definitely a "later" while I sort out my apathy toward my little blog here.

Cowboys

2009-01-25T08:57:00.000-07:00

Possible Three Way Raises Questions

2009-01-24T09:04:00.000-07:00

I've never had a group sex experience, but it's something I've always been open to. Of course I have fantasized about the two girl one guy thing like every other straight man in the world, and for a long time - even before I realized I was bi - I dreamt about double teaming a chick or watching a guy fuck his woman. Although it's something I've always wanted to do, I've never had the opportunity. Now that I know I'm at least partially bisexual, I can add an all-male group sex experience to the lifetime sexual wish list.

Patrick thinks that one of his lovers would be a good match for us in a three way. The guy is a closeted bisexual and they've been having sex together for seven years. Patrick says they have hot passionate sex, and that I'd have to get up to speed to be able to fit in with them. Not that we don't have hot sex, just that they have had so much time to establish their connection. Patrick says he doesn't think I'm comfortable enough yet with gay sex to get the best out of a three way. He doesn't think we've developed our sexual vibe enough yet.

In some ways I see his point, especially since he's right that I'm still exploring my comfort zone with it all. And to be honest, since I posted about it earlier, our sex life has continued to dwindle. The other night when I went over we barely even kissed. No hot sex like the first three nights, though he said it didn't bother him.

But then in other ways I don't really see his point, because it sort of ties a carrot out in front of me. I kind of resent him bringing up a threeway, but then saying I've got work to do. I can't help but see it as a manipulative move to get me to suck his cock more, or let him play more with my ass, or even fuck it.

I don't often respond well to behavior that seems manipulative. And it might end up encouraging my pullback in sexual interest with him. Which would be a drag because I'd really like to have a threeway!

Give Me a Bisexual Boyfriend

2009-01-23T06:59:00.000-07:00

Wouldn't it be great to have a bisexual boyfriend? I'd want him to be totally fit and hot, charming, funny, and he must love to suck cock. Have him be totally smooth with the ladies, great at convincing hot chicks to come home with us to screw. Maybe we could take one of our girlfriends up into the mountains to a remote campsite and fuck her right out in the open under the sky.

Lacy HNT 2

2009-01-22T06:46:00.003-07:00

My New Blog

2009-01-21T06:49:00.005-07:00

FYI: I just started a new blog yesterday, Cock-A-Day. It's pretty boring right now, 'cause there's only one or two pics on there, but I intend to post a new random cockshot every day for... well we'll see how long it will last. I have a huge collection of digital photos, hundreds of cockshots, so I'll try to keep the content fresh and not repeat any pics from this blog. Hope you enjoy it, if not, enjoy something.

Straight Porn After Gay Sex

2009-01-20T06:23:00.001-07:00

Sunday night I masturbated to straight porn after I got home from Patrick's. While I was over there I couldn’t cum again, even though he was doing things to me that felt so good and had helped me get off before. I left kind of frustrated thinking that I was going to have to practically jerk the skin off my dick to get off that night.

So when I came home I fired up the DVD unenthusiastically, one of the "Bang That Teen Pussy" series, just an intro part of a model playing with herself before she gets fucked. She had small tits, a nice trimmed blond pussy, beautifully toned petite body, and she wasn't too pretty, so she had that perfect girl next door kind of look.

Watching her little fit body as she bashfully played with her pussy got me so hot that I came so hard it landed on my face. I can't remember the last time I launched a cumload onto my face, if I ever have at all.

It's great having a boyfriend, but it's pretty clear I gotta get some pussy! I also need to sleep with some other men and see if this dilemma is just about Patrick, or having sex with men in general.

Confused Over Confusion

2009-01-19T06:51:00.004-07:00

I spent practically the whole weekend with Patrick. He had me over for dinner and drinks on Saturday night, we stayed up until 4am. I might as well have stayed the night, because I ended up watching the NFL playoffs with him all day Sunday anyway. We had a really great time. We had sex a couple times too, and in different ways than before. It was actually pretty nice.

Previously I posted that I was feeling kind of bored with the sex, and I brought it up to him on Saturday. I told him that I just don't feel that inspired by sucking cock, and that I was confused about why it takes so much effort for me to cum because a lot of what we do together is really pretty hot. I told him that most of the time we were together I was thinking about women.

I expected him to be crushed, but instead he said something that could not have been more perfect, "well I think that's because you are a true bisexual." He is so patient and understanding it blows me away. And the time we spend together is so affectionate, just cuddling, talking and laughing. It's all romance and passion and sensuality. In a lot of ways, all of that is better than the sex.

I'm kind of tripping out about not feeling all that into sucking his cock. It's not like it's exceptionally big or obnoxious, it's clean and well groomed. I dunno why but it's like it simultaneously turns me on and off. It gets me hard to have him in my mouth, but then I almost immediately lose interest in doing anything with it. Poor guy, it must be driving him nuts. lol

Patrick Hates My Crossdressing

2009-01-18T07:07:00.004-07:00

I guess he's is not into queens. They turn him off the same way women do. So it stands to reason that he's not so into my crossdressing stuff. He's not into the skirts or dresses, heels or hose. The idea of me wearing my lacy top around his house just turns him off, he says. In a way it's kind of weird because I just want to feel natural around him, and a lot of times I just want to be nude or wear women's clothes because, well, that's what feels natural. It's only about comfort, so I find it pretty interesting that he doesn't want me to wear my girlie shit around him.

Maybe it makes him uncomfortable, I don't know. Maybe he's so gay that anything feminine turns him off on a fundamental level. When I asked him about it, he said that he was attracted to men, not women. He told me about another closeted bisexual lover who also likes that stuff, but that as for himself the women's shit just doesn't do it for him. [Note to self: gotta meet this other guy he's talking about!]

What's really interesting about it for me is the way it illustrates different people's arousal triggers. For him the arousal comes from the sexuality of masculinity. Whereas I think for me the arousal comes, perhaps, from the fantasy of being a woman. The clothes give me the experience of what women get to wear, while I get to role-play their gender and fantasize about having a straight women's sexuality. And get fucked by some handsome and manly guy.

This dynamic that I have with Patrick is really bringing up some deep introspection. What is the basis of my attraction to men? Is it physical or fantasy? A combination of both? Or do I simply have a fascination with being perverted - that I need to continually up the ante to get off? Is this gay experience authentic or is it just my attempts to raise my sexual bet: "I'll call your crossdressing, and raise with a blowjob and fuck in the ass."

I understand how men dressing up in women's clothes could turn off a gay guy. The same way I understood when one of my past girlfriends couldn't stop laughing any time I wore women's clothes. She just thought it was funny, not sexy. I have had girlfriends and lovers who thought it was really hot, though most of the time I've kept very private about my panty thievery, cock ring hobby, heel fetish, and other unmentionables.

Bisexual Pornucopia 5

2009-01-17T07:02:00.002-07:00

On Boredom and Butt Play

2009-01-16T06:16:00.003-07:00

Much as I hate to say this, I'm already starting to feel a little bored with Patrick's and my sex life. This last time I went over to his place, the sexual dynamic just fizzled like stale soda. We tried to fool around a bit, but the excitement from before just wasn't there. I really didn't want to suck his cock, and my interest in him sucking mine seemed to be on the outs as well. I've felt this way before with new girlfriends like before we actually fucked, as if our lovemaking had become reruns of the same old heavy petting sessions, stuck in foreplay mode. That kind of sex gets old fast, always building up but never achieving the deep, satisfying release of penetration. I'm starting to feel this way about Patrick, and I'm not sure how to bring it up with him.

I'm confused as to why the sex has gotten so boring so fast. Am I not fully attracted to him or men in general? Is what I really want a woman? Do we need to get nastier? Has the novelty worn off and now I'm just longing for what I really want - pussy? How quickly will the novelty of ass play wear off? How quickly will I get bored with gay sex, even with all the variety? Am I really bisexual, or just desperate? Do I even want to keep seeing Patrick?

It's confusing because I harbored these bi-curious feelings for so long, and now that I've set that free I feel like it's less important to me than I thought it was, as if the curiosity has been quenched, drained, diminished. Here I've been worried about whether I might be gay for like most of my life, and now there's this anticlimactic meltdown of sexual boredom with it. Kinda depressing, really.

I don't know how Patrick will react if I tell him that I'm getting bored with the sex. I feel like I have to move on and try out some nastier shit, like see what it's like to get fucked in the ass. I know I have a long way to go with that though, as I've barely done any ass play at all, and have even balked at Patrick's request that I douche before we fool around. I have this weird virgin mindset about sex and my ass, like I want to try it out, but don't want to find out what it's like after. Does that make any sense? As if my virginity was a part of me that would be lost forever.

Also, as far as me fucking Patrick goes, he says he's not had anal sex for like ten years. Just butt play and fingers and toys I guess, but he hasn't had a guy actually fuck him for a long time. I don't know if I want to fuck him either. I mean, to be brutally honest, his ass doesn't really turn me on. And when I think about fucking him and looking down to see what I'm fucking, I just imagine my dick getting soft in about a nanosecond. And that doesn't seem very fun, almost like I'm putting off my being put off by gay sex.

It's weird, but somehow I know I'm prolonging the inevitable. That sex with Patrick will get boring, I'll keep wishing more and more that he was a young tender woman, and I'll get so that I can't cum with him no matter what. Probably get so he can't get me hard, even with his amazing cocksucking skills. I was having a good time experimenting, why did it have to get so old so fast?

Ass HNT

2009-01-15T06:27:00.003-07:00

Me and my new favorite skirt.

Solo Sexual

2009-01-14T06:25:00.000-07:00

Our Third Night

2009-01-13T06:07:00.000-07:00

The other night last week with Patrick was only our third night together, but it felt so natural that it could have been our thirteenth or thirtieth night. We have a connection that just makes it so easy to hang out. I don’t feel the need to pretend to be someone else or to fake it in any way. It just is what it is, and we are who we are. What could be more simple and good?

He made me another amazing dinner, lasagna and a killer tossed salad. After dinner I confessed to him that I wasn’t feeling very sexy or sexual that night (or so I thought). I talked to him about the scruffy face issue, that I wasn’t so into it, so he leaned over to brush his face against my lips, “what about now?” he asked. He had done an exquisite job shaving, and I was surprised to find his face really quite soft and smooth.

“Much better,” I sighed with a smile, giving in to a passionate kiss. Wasn’t I going to try to keep my hands off of him? Shit. Well, maybe it’s true, “the best laid plans of mice and men often go awry.”

I told him about how I didn’t know why, but I liked playing with his cock better when it’s soft, that I’m intimidated by it somehow when it’s hard. That it’s more of a Funky Elephant crush for me at the moment. I don’t know how, but he seemed to understand. If a woman had ever told me that my cock intimidated her, the sexual beast in me would stroll up to the podium in my head and declare, “Fuck. Her. Now.” Because I know what it’s like to be a man, I immediately recognized and respected his ability to show a little restraint.

We talked for about an hour, about all kinds of stuff, whatever came to mind. Of course the conversation steered towards sex, because that seems to always come to mind. And then all of a sudden, Patrick was sucking my cock. Gentle, gentle, gentle, not so rough. I don’t want to be consumed tonight, merely teased. Keep the Electrolux unplugged for now, I’m content to fuck only the off switch tonight.

I just wanted to dabble anytime he was soft, but mostly I kept him out of my mouth for the night. We made out and played around with each others cocks on and off for hours like the other nights. Edging he calls it. Just playing a bit, backing off, playing a bit, backing off. I didn’t know it had a name, I had done it sometimes masturbating when I had the time to jerk off all day, or when I wanted to dump a really huge cumload.

The sex that night was different, detached, more play than passion. Somehow Patrick seemed to be satisfied just worshiping my body, jerking off onto me while I laid back on couch. I’m impressed that he doesn’t seem to have the need to penetrate to get off. As if I’m living pornography for him to speckle with cum splotches. The voyeur/exhibitionist aspect of it is kinda kinky, a real turn on for me.

This time when he jerked off over me, his cumload was the most I’d ever seen him do. I used his cum to lubricate my cock and masturbate. I tried to cum, but I couldn’t. Sigh.

Since I was a total mess, I went to the shower to clean off, and there I kind of started to trip out. “Is my man-crush over? Why can’t I cum? Why do I keep wishing he had a cunt? Why can’t I cum? Is this the bisexual dilemma? What the fuck? Why can’t I cum?”

I fixed something on his computer for him, got his msn email to sound a new email alert – which is very easy to do, I am not bragging about computer skills here ;) - and of course being impressed with my familiarity around the OS, Patrick quickly had his hands all over my body. When he’s touching me, our affections have few limits. So naturally, soon we were both naked again, and he was straddled over me, our balls touching, our dicks entwined as we made out.

He slid down my body and gently took my balls into his mouth, which had always had hurt before, but tonight it felt divine. He carefully sucked my tender balls while I jerked off and came closer and closer to climax. Then he stood up, leaned into me and I pumped our cocks side by side with my knuckles together and finally came, spurting out onto our chests. Patrick collapsed on me, both of us breathing heavily. It was another night to remember.

Corner of Confusion and Let Down Alley

2009-01-12T09:20:00.004-07:00

My craigslist ad has gotten more responses than I thought it would, though no response has led to anything close as to what I have with Patrick. It's been a real eye opener to experience first hand the differences between the straight and gay worlds.

One of my respondents is a pretty attractive lady in her early 50's. We've been trading emails for almost two weeks now, and she invited me over to dinner last night at her house. There was obviously chemistry when I got there, but clearly far more baggage involved than with Patrick. She told me about her son (son? not mentioned before) and her current divorce (divorce? that's a new one) and how she's not sure if she'll even be in this town three months down the road (three months? okay then). Then of course came out the ultimate straight-dating buzz kill: she's just looking for friends.

Just friends? Jeezus. What the fuck's up with answering a "men seeking women" personal ad then? I know what's up with it, maybe I just had forgotten how contrived heterosexual dating can be. All the games. All the shades of truth. All the saying "yes" when they really mean "no" - I still want pussy but not all the bullshit. Am I asking too much?

Nice Jeans 2

2009-01-10T06:49:00.000-07:00

Patrick Tells The Truth

2009-01-09T07:09:00.001-07:00

Patrick has confessed something to me, and I'm surprised it doesn't bother me more.

When he responded to my craigslist ad, he said he was a young 49. When I got to his place the first night, I thought he didn't look so young for 49, but he still grew on me as the night went on. It was like our connection transcended age. It was more our spirits that connected. So what if he's ten years older?

Well, since we have such a strong connection, he decided to tell me his real age. According to him he has never told any lover his real age before. It honestly seems kind of foreign to me to live life that way, because I hate to try to keep track of all the lies out there, who I told what and trying to keep it all straight - what a waste of energy! I figured this out when I was a teen still living with my parents. All my other friends were trying to come up with elaborate schemes to get away with this or that or go to a drinking party or use their fake ID's to get into a strip club, etc. Because of my honesty I even got them in trouble sometimes, not being able to keep it together as to what the story was when this person or that person happens to be within earshot. Deception takes a lot out of me, and I generally avoid it at all costs.

So believe it or not, dear reader, my Patrick is 64 years old! My God! He's my friggin' parent's age! Regardless, I forgive him because if he had said he was that old from the start, I doubt I would have ever agreed to meet him. And besides, most all of the 25-year-old chicks that I'm interested in think 39 is over the hill. They would have no idea that I get carded for looking so young if I met them online, so I too have felt the urge to augment my youth when flirting online in chat rooms or whatever. It's so stupid that people place such high importance on just a number. They set limits and judgments in their mind about how people of a certain age act, and all it does is limit what experiences, friends and lovers they could have in their lives.

What really blows me away is that Patrick's only a couple years younger than my parents, but I still lust after him. I still dream about his cock. It's kind of weird because there's also this element of taboo there, like I'm fucking my grandpa. Gross huh? But he's not like any other sixty-plus year-old that I have ever met. He has opened my eyes in so many ways, that dirty old man! Lucky bastard gets a young, visceral, sex-crazed boyfriend out of the deal. Can I please be that lucky when I'm 64?

Lacy HNT

2009-01-08T06:25:00.004-07:00

Somehow My Heart Flutters

2009-01-07T13:59:00.002-07:00

I just finished playing phone tag with Patrick, and finally he won. I had forgotten that he went to the big city for a basketball game last night, and then we missed each other's calls this morning a few times. When we finally talked, he lured me over to his place with the promise of another amazing meal.

During the phone tag, it dawned on me how particular and faggoty his outgoing message is, and when I left my message he could tell I was laughing at him. Not in a bad way, but just that kind of delightful giggle that you get when someone you know just goes right for the punch line in terms of their personality. For a second, they intimate exactly what you love about them the most, and it just makes you laugh. The joy that wells up and just becomes a true heartfelt belly laugh.

I wasn't sure if he was upset, but he called me out for laughing at him, and asked to me explain why I was, indeed, cracking up when I left my message. So I read the subtext of his message to him. "Why bother calling if you can't leave a message, and don't fuck up when you do." And that it sounded like he gets a lot of hangup messages from friends that he can plain well see with the caller ID. Immediately he said, "exactly." Points scored for me, I guess.

When he asked me about dinner and what I wanted to eat, he said "besides my cock." And, I dunno, it kind of turned me off. Not sure why, maybe because food fetishes never ever worked for me - you know whipped cream on the nipples or whatever - or maybe because of wretched, unmentionable cannibalism imagery. Who knows, but I immediately thought that maybe I'm going to have to let him know that I like the advances, but it's getting to be a little too much for me right now.

So I'm going over to see him again tonight, and I don't exactly know how I feel about it. But talking to him definitely got my heart rate up.

Our First Fight - Not Really

2009-01-07T06:48:00.004-07:00

I finally confided in Patrick that I've been writing in my blog some pretty specific details about our love affair. "Like what, EVERYTHING?!" he cried, and I said, "pretty much, yeah."

He doesn't quite understand the blogging phenomenon, and I think maybe he thought I've got my real name and Social Security Number, street address and phone number published for all the world to see. He was convinced I was using his real name too, and was pretty well pissed off to think that I would betray his trust like that.

"[His real name], honey, I'm the one who's in the closet here, remember? Besides they all think your name is Patrick. And they don't even know what town we live in, let alone what state. There are a million anonymous bloggers out there. That's what makes it so cool, and such a release for me."

"Oh," he said, and a playful smile curled his lips, "Patrick? ... That was my first boyfriend's name." And with that we kissed and made up. Well, kissed and made out was more like it.

Without trust, there is no romance anywhere. Period.

Rough Wisker Side Effects

2009-01-06T13:10:00.003-07:00

I'd never made out with a man before last week, and to be perfectly honest it really makes me miss kissing a woman. Facial hair kind of grosses me out (especially on a woman!) and the simple fact of the matter is that it's abrasive and it hurts. My lip feels like I've been making out with a friggin' sheet of sandpaper. My lover even said that he shaved before I came over the other night, but still his face was so scratchy that my soft lips got hurt in the process. How to meet a woman who sees the world like a guy (in other words, realistically), but without the scruffy face? I was afraid that this bisexual thing might become a dilemma... but hey, at least I'm getting laid.

Another Long and Beautiful Night

2009-01-05T09:47:00.009-07:00

When I got to Patrick's last night, I felt much more relaxed and content to be going over to a gay man's house. I can tell he feels totally comfortable with me, because this time when I got to his door, it was left ajar, and knocking on it just swung it open. "Come in honey," I heard my sweet boyfriend say from inside.

He looked great. I guess since we met he has been able to sleep better, and this time he literally looked five years younger than before. I told him that he looked good as we embraced and pecked on the lips. "Bullshit," he said, but I'm sure that he appreciated the compliment. Who wouldn't?

While we hugged and held each other, I put my nose in the crook of his neck and just inhaled his scent like a drug. I always thought, from being in nasty, sweaty locker rooms, that a man would have this gnarly awful smell, too spunky and musky and strong to actually smell good, but not my Patrick. He smells like fresh banana bread muffins straight from the oven, a wonderfully appealing, intoxicating scent.

I took off my pants within the first two minutes of being there. I already had my pajamas on underneath, as I didn't want to waste any time getting comfortable again. I took out my own slippers and robe, and he poked fun at me, "oh God you are so queer to bring your own things." And I grabbed him playfully, pulling him into me while I poked fun back at him, "sweetie, you know how picky I am!"

Our mouths met in a hot, deep kiss. Any inhibitions from the other night about kissing him had flown out the window. He is a great kisser. Attentive, responsive, sensual and very passionate.

Within no time we were snuggling on the couch, nibbling on the hors devours that he had graciously placed on the coffee table for us. Almonds, cashews, turkey slices and crackers. He got me a beer from the fridge and packed a bowl for me to smoke. The man knows how to get me in the mood!

It wasn’t long before our hands were down each other’s pants. The chemistry between us is just so overpowering, when we are together the desire is almost too much to bear. If it weren’t for real life responsibility and the need for sleep, I would never want to leave his place, never want to stop pleasuring each other, never let go of his manly embrace.

“Let’s get naked and go roll around on my bed,” he suggested. “I’m not really in the mood to hot tub tonight.”

“Oh baby please, I really need a soak,” I pleaded, pretending to be sore; but for all my feigning discomfort, I think he knew that I was just trying to get him into that sexy little tub of his again, to relive our first time together, but this time to accept his advances with reckless abandon.

Once in the tub, no time was wasted sucking face with my gorgeous new boyfriend. I leaned into him, pushing him to the other side of the tub. Under the water I spread my legs and arched my back. He grabbed my ass with his muscular hands, tucked his middle finger between my cheeks, cupped my balls. I reached down to feel that his cock was fully hard and I playfully asked him, “how’d that happen?”

He said that making out always got him the hardest. Suddenly timid, I stopped kissing him and we went back to talking and playing touch games under the water. Soon his cock was soft again and I asked him, “what else gets you hard, I don’t know what to do.”

With that he got out of the water and sat on the edge of the tub. “Here,” he teased, “do you know what to do now?”

I gave him a wily smile and a playfully sinful look, floated across the water and immediately took his cock into my mouth. I sucked and swirled, pulled on his foreskin gently with my teeth, blew kisses and licked while his hardening cock bobbled in and out of my willing mouth. In a breath he was hard again and said, “there now little boy, I think you're getting the idea.” But he was getting cold, so he slid back down into the warm water.

A couple minutes later we went back into his house, and I lovingly dried him off with my towel. We went back into his room and grappled together naked on his bed. We touched and toyed with each other, we each put on cockrings and ended up in a sixty-nine. Sideways at first but then he had me lay on my back, and he straddled over my head and rammed my hard-on down his throat. His cock dangled right in my face and I took him into my mouth, into my throat, and he smothered me with his cock, his balls hanging over my nostrils so I couldn't breathe. The surrender to him felt so taboo, so wrong and so right, and I lifted his balls with my hands to take a deep breath, then let them tumble back onto my nose, back to being suffocated by his manhood. It felt so good.

Minutes later he was kneeled over me again and we had each other's hands between our legs, touching each other's assholes, massaging under our balls. We jerked ourselves off together, matching strokes, mano a mano, and soon he was dropping his loaded hot cum globs on my belly, and seeing him shudder with his orgasm sent me into oblivion too, and I came and came onto my belly, onto my chest and neck, flooding his cum with mine.

He collapsed on me and we just mushed the cum between our chests, squirming, mashing the moist and slippery cumfest between us, kissing deeply, moaning with delight.

Looking at the clock, I was surprised to see it wasn't even 11:30, so we went back into the living room again to snuggle and touch on the couch. He made us tea and started a fire, and we warmed each other there watching the flicker of flame together, just talking and joking and laughing again, both of us still bewildered with disbelief that we had even found each other. He recounted the impossibility of our meeting, pointing out that I had posted on craigslist in "men seeking women" and how preposterous it was for him to even be reading those ads in the first place. "Maybe you are a woman, Patrick," I teased, and he just cracked up laughing. "You are so fucking funny," he said, and we laughed with joy at the genius of it all.

Of course in no time my cock was up and ready again, and he said he just could not believe that my cock could last so long and cum so hard and yet still be ready to fuck again in a mere three minutes. "Yeah," I said, "you know my cock never got the message that I got older. He still thinks he's 18!"

Patrick laughed out loud and said that he thought that must be the funniest thing he ever heard. "Wait until I tell my girlfriends," he said. And I half-jokingly asked, "are they cute?" And without a moment's hesitation he said, "Fuck you, do you think I'd share you with them?!" A split second later he was sucking my cock again, and once again I was throbbing to complete fullness in his amazing mouth.

"Bring that beautiful cock over here, you fucking stud," I urged him, and he stood up and forced it into my mouth, into my throat, and he fucked my face while I jerked off. He put his finger slightly in my ass, quivered and shook, pulled out of my mouth and cum again onto my chest. Not one to be outdone, I quickly built up to another orgasm while he rubbed our cocks together, jerking us both off simultaneously, and before long I was cumming again and again, as if for the first time that night, the spurts leaping out of my tip and splashing on my chest, even up to my chin. "Jesus Christ!" he said, "you really are still a teenager!"

"But only for you, baby," I teased, and we caressed and snuggled late into the night, this time only to three AM though. I drove home fairly sober, but so so tired from the long day. That night thoughts of him consumed my dreams. My heart and cock and mind and body are all pestering me this morning, "When do we get to be with Patrick again?!"

Can't Keep My Mind Off Patrick

2009-01-04T17:47:00.004-07:00

I told Patrick I could see him again this coming Thursday, but it's only Sunday night and I can't imagine waiting that long. I really don't know how busy his schedule is, but I feel like I could go see him at least twice before Thursday comes around. It's amazing that I have become instantly addicted to this man.

Hanging out with him the other night just felt so natural and good, I found the complete lack of expectations so refreshing. Always before if I hung out with a woman I was together with, there was always expectations, that I would act a certain way or do certain things, or not do certain things like whip my dick out and jerk off on her coffee table. With Patrick things are totally different. I feel like I could share my sickest fantasies with him, or be content to just chill and watch a movie. We get along so good, and we have so much in common. Except that he's gay and I'm not.

I'm still wildly attracted to women, I'm just starting to believe that maybe they don't deserve me, or at least they cannot seem to appreciate me the way a gay man can. Hanging out with Patrick just feels more natural than any woman I can ever remember being with. It's like women just... don't... get... it.

UPDATE: After writing this, I couldn't even wait half an hour before I called him and asked if he felt like inviting me over. I'm going over there in half an hour.

Bad Words Gone Good

2009-01-04T06:53:00.008-07:00

Here's a mental exercise, see if you can think of a positive way to use any of these "negative" words in a sentence. It's a good demonstration of how my recent new experience has changed the way I look at myself and the world.

UPDATE: I just realized how stupid and trivial this post looks here. What the hell am I, a perverted high school English teacher giving out homework assignments? So to lessen the effect of such a dumb post, I filled in my own sentences. Apologies to the reader, but must all of my posts be brilliant genius? JUST KIDDING!

Slut - Fucking men makes me feel so good, like a lucky sex-craved slut.

Whore - Only a dirty whore can satisfy my vivacious sexual appetite.

Cunt - She came like a thundercloud after I fisted her cunt for the better part of an hour.

Bitch - My boyfriend acts like such a girlie bitch sometimes, I just love it.

Cocksucker - I am seeing the most fantastic cocksucker I have ever met.

Asshole - He fingered and licked my asshole while I came all over the place.

Bastard - My gay lover has fucked hundreds of gorgeous men, the lucky bastard.

Dick - He sucked my dick like no woman ever has.

Fuck - Who the fuck ever decided this was a bad word?

Faggot - Now that I've made love to a man, I feel much more comfortable acting a little faggoty.

Pervert - My gay lover is so relieved that I, too, am a pervert.

New Day New Year New Life

2009-01-02T16:57:00.009-07:00

Oh my dear reader, where and how to begin? I have just had the most wonderful experience, a beautiful night with a fantastic man. He showed me things I have never known, our chemistry was like a nuclear explosion, he just showered me with love and affection and adoration. How can I possibly be so lucky? I'm still wondering when I will wake up from this incredible dream.

I always thought that if I finally ever had a gay experience, I would feel riddled with guilt. That I would become a monster of self-loathing. That I would second double guess and re-confuse my feelings, that I would place such harsh judgment on myself and fall deep into depression. Man, was I wrong. I feel whole, complete... utterly content. If only I had known that affection with a man could feel so comfortable, so right, without any reservations, regret or disgust... Yet if I had been with a man earlier, I wouldn't have had the same magical first time experience that I enjoyed last night.

As I pulled into Patrick's driveway at 6:55 PM, I thought, "oh my God, what if this is totally weird? What if he is a fucking serial killer!?" But somehow I managed to park and found his patio just as he had described, with a tiki torch lit for me, and with the porch light on. I immediately admired the design elements of the large, walled, covered patio. Nice brickwork, impeccable craftsmanship and style, garden beds, benches, a modest hot tub in a discrete corner of the yard, open to the sky, and large enough for only two, maybe three people. At this point my anti-adventurous and negative side yelled at me inside my head, "dude - RUN - A - WAY," But instead I knocked on the door.

I was a few minutes early, and at first I wondered if he had even heard me knock, I nervously pondered ringing the bell too, but within another moment he came to the door and it opened. I must have been very eager, because I guess I was standing too close to the door and as he opened it he stepped right out, nearly trampling my feet. He jumped back - startled to realize that I was a mere three inches from the door - but his surprise instantly turned to a smooth, inviting and generous calm. He backed into his home, and his warm smile drew me in like a magnet. For a moment I thought of the spider and the fly, but if this was indeed his wicked web, then I was as content as the fly to just give in to being eaten alive.

I felt comfortable right away, and he had a very gentle manner about him, just like he had during our phone conversations. I honestly did not feel attracted to him right away. He had said he was a young looking 49, and when I saw him I immediately thought that he looked young for maybe 55, "I've seen a lot hotter 49-year-olds along the way," I thought to myself. But it didn't really concern me because we had talked at length about what I might not feel entirely comfortable with, and we had prefaced our meeting on having absolutely no expectations except honesty. We would be meeting as new friends and to connect, to talk about whatever comes up. It was a relief to have such freedom when considering having my first sexual experience with a man.

Once inside, he immediately went into mothering mode, doting and pampering me, "Do you want to smoke some pot? Do you want a beer? Are you hungry? Can I make you some food?" Already I was saying yes to everything.

He made me a knock-down delicious salad with his homemade dressing, overflowing with avocados, olives, gorgonzola cheese, and ground black pepper. He laid out carne adovada, meat slices and crackers, grapes and blackberries. About the beer he got me, he said, "I don't know if this is what you like, I think it's imported," and he handed me my number one all time favorite beer in the whole wide world. I had told him the name, but this is no imported beer. This is rich and delicious handmade microbrew from the finest brewery in Oregon. He had remembered the exact type of beer that I had briefly mentioned during one of our phone conversations. His thoughtfulness and nurturing immediately notched him up on the attractive scale. Points scored for Patrick, I thought, though my inner negative was telling me to keep a critical eye out for rufies.

We relaxed and talked on the couch, and I could tell he wanted to get closer and start to get all touchy-feely, and he could tell that I wanted him to, but also that I was kinda still grappling with the idea. Though I felt comfortable, I was also pretty tense. He kept accenting the conversation by reaching out with his legs and feet to brush a touch off my knee or calf, and the more he did, the less I felt weird about it. Soon we were laying at opposite ends of the couch, our feet so close that it was inevitable that we started playing footsie. By then I had told him about my blog and we joked that tomorrow I would be pouring out all the gory details to my readers about how I finally played footsie with a man. We laughed and laughed and soon we were headed for the hot tub.

We undressed in his bedroom and the first thing I noticed was his nice, naturally toned shoulders, arms and gorgeous veins running the length. His chest was huge compared to the rest of his body. Not in a muscular way, but more skeletal: his ribcage was as big and round as a barrel keg, and it made his hips and ass look comparatively tiny. As soon as I was naked, he said, "you have a beautiful body, I don't think you are skinny one bit, you are very well proportioned, thin and very very sexy," and thus started a night of endless compliments and adoration. My cock had not yet responded, but I was honestly pretty glad to be rid of the inhibitions of the clothing.

The hot tub was the perfect temperature to the crisp night air. The stars were out and blinking at us, not a cloud in the sky. Soon our footsie game from inside evolved to having each other's feet in our crotches under the water, and I felt for the first time the softness of his cock and delicate sack. His hands inched up my legs and soon I was squirming with the anticipation of having him touch my cock. He teased a bit, and my boys instantly swelled just a little with the possibilities of the night. I could see him trying to sneak a peek through the water, to get a look at my cock on the sly. I knew exactly what he was up to, and neither gave permission nor shied away.

In a few minutes, he leaned toward me, staring into my eyes and said, "may I kiss you?"

"No." I said as kindly as I could. And he fell back onto his side of the tub, clearly dejected. I felt bad for turning him down, because I could tell he was getting pretty horny, that our stimulating and playful conversation just had him doing back flips with desire. At that moment, I knew I had him and that I was in charge and whatever was going to happen that night would be without question up to ME. It made me feel so empowered and free.

After only ten or fifteen minutes we got out of the water and went back inside. I dropped my towel and told him that I normally don't wear clothes and since I felt comfortable with him, I was just going to go nude. "Oh, okay," he tried to say nonchalantly, but I could tell that his heart had just literally dropped to the floor.

He asked if I thought I still might like the Tantric massage, and I tried to nonchalantly say, "sure," though my own heart had just literally dropped to the floor also. I didn't know if he noticed, but I certainly did.

We went to his bedroom and I laid face down on the bed while he fanned a warm towel over me and then put his knee between my legs and stood on my back with his arms, pressing on me and flowing into me a very deep intense feeling of spiritual voltage. It felt like waves of love and goodness pulsing through me like lying under a love-wave energy magnetic Tesla Coil, if there ever was such a thing. It was transcendental. He seemed to fall into a trance of loving sensual massage that felt truly divine. My spirit inside my body was floating unleashed through time-space, like I was having an outerbody experience, yet his rough and masculine, strong hands kept me tethered to the bed, tethered to this Earth. His touch was at once sexual and sexless, sensual yet ethereal. It was simply amazing and nothing short of heavenly.

That's when I realized he was now massaging my feet with his boner, and I was promptly returned to the physical realm. Even though my feet felt ice cold, he was emphatically saying "you have such sexy feet, you're just so fucking hot," and I realized he was also massaging me with his words, praising me like I was the most beautiful being in the world. I said I liked feeling his cock on my feet, and how warm it felt. He asked if I wanted to flip over and I did, and a little wave of insecurity came over me because all of this had not yet gotten me hard. I mean, he had just been massaging my perineum, my ass cheeks, my balls, my asshole. He had been fucking my feet! It had not gotten me hard one bit and I worried that it would turn him off or let him down, or that maybe it meant somehow that I wasn't at all gay or bi or queer after all.

But that's when I saw his hard cock, just sticking out so proudly and beautifully, to see it swing back and forth with his movements, and to see his cute little dick hole peeking out sheepishly from behind his foreskin, seeing the beauty of that just swelled my cock half-mast in about half a second. That was the first time ever I had seen another man's erection in real life, and my God it was just so hot. Way better than any magazine, video or DVD I can just tell you that. He proceeded to massage my now-pulsing cock for several minutes, just like he had all my other muscles, parts and areas and it just felt so good.

Soon he crawled up on the bed and brought his cock closer to me, he could see that my eyes were fixating on it, and he asked if I wanted to touch him. And with near a whimper I said yes, and timidly reached out my hand to caress and cup his balls, and my own cock throbbed to a granite obelisk in an instant at the release of repression and fulfillment of fantasy. I explored his balls and scrotum and cock, squeezing, stroking, massaging. I felt like a seventeen year old boy and I giggled with the curiosity and fascination of it. The utter strangeness and alien feeling of actually jerking another guy's cock, that here I was finally doing it at 39 after so long. Too long. If I was dreaming, I did not want to be woken up - dear God not right now, don't wake up!

Exploring his half-erect cock and dangly balls with my hands and eyes, while his strokes were getting more and more intense, he asked me, "do you want to get me hard?" Which was a little disconcerting because that's exactly what I'd been trying to do all this time. Using my left hand and having no skill-set to get anyone hard except myself, I felt like a virgin teenage boy again, which added a wonderful, innocent, time-traveling quality to the experience. Here I am trying in earnest to get this wonderful guy hard, and he asks me if I want to try to get him hard? I told him my trip and we laughed and laughed together, and he collapsed on top of me, looked up playfully and asked if he could suck my cock. I nodded yes and managed a Cheshire smile, I could feel my eyes sparkling with delight, and tried to act calm, though my heartbeat was stuck in overdrive.

He took me into his mouth just a little at first, and I had to look away, I had to lean back to try to usher out that last little gremlin inside of my personality, the homophobic bigoted gremlin with the bony finger, poking my left shoulder abrasively, saying with venom and rancor, "dude... there's a freakin' guy sucking your cock. What the fuck?!" And as I struggled to finally push him out the door of the party inside my head, meanwhile my cock got soft, and then hard, and then soft again, and I was off in my own world battling my own demons and gargoyles, telling them all to finally FUCK OFF and just let me have a good time already. It felt like a goddamn sexual exorcism inside. "BE GONE YE CRIPPLING INNER BEASTS!"

Patrick sucked my cock like a fucking Electrolux plugged into 220V. A big wet schloppy perverted human vacuum cleaner with no off switch. He twirled his tongue around my cock tip like an impeller, his blowjobs felt like a moist rotary engine with all the loud noises and intensity of a skilled craftsman who really knows their way around a cock. Like a frenzied cock mechanic on speed, and he certainly had my undercarriage up on the lift and was definitely lubing my chassis. Damn near perfection of intent, this guy's blowjobs could be a fucking patented design.

Taking a break from sucking me off for a moment, he knelt over me and I told him I wanted him to cum on my chest. He grabbed my cock like a fighter jet joystick and set the controls for the sun. He vigorously jerked his cock over me while I watched his cock and soon he was dumping hot gobs onto my chest, thick cum blobs that nearly burned my skin as they landed. It was thrilling to finally see a cumshot right in front of me, and I set off with intensity to jerk one out myself and add my own to the cum parade strewn across my pecs; but alas, I could not come no matter the technique so we said fuck it, put on robes and went back into the living room. It was nice to not feel judged for not actually being able to come, it just was what it was and that didn't seem to matter one way or the other. I liked that. No drama. No talk of visits to the marriage counselor for help.

So we just hung out on the couch together again, talking and laughing, smoking pot, and I had another beer. Patrick got out some Maplethorpe books and some other book that was just so fucking sexy and beautifully photographed of this insanely hot and charismatic model, I mean hotter than the hottest movie star kind of hot. And I let my robe fall open so he could see I was hard as a rock again, and he nearly jumped my bones and pleasured me again with his fantastic technique. He has a full length mirror in the living room and I stood up and watched him suck my cock while I enjoyed my own voyeuristic world, he pushed me all the way down his throat and just showered me with compliments, "I love your cock, I love to suck your cock, you are just so fucking sexy, oh my God I just want you inside of me, I want you to come," and on and on with such praise and assurance and sweet dirty talk. It was a real turn on to have my ego so stroked, not to mention the masterful cocksucker kneeled before me, and watching in the mirror our own live gay sex show.

We hung out again for a few hours, late late into the evening, and I was content to just be pleasured on and off. And somehow I didn't let it bother me that I couldn't seem to cum, and it didn't seem to bother him. After a while though, I started to get horny again and I decided in my mind that if I was going to ever suck a cock, now's as good a time as any. So I shed my inhibitions and opened up his robe, pulled down his underwear, took his cock in my hand and began to kiss it, slowly at first, up and down the shaft, gradually letting my kisses get wetter and wetter. I smelled his cock to see if somehow his scent grossed me out, but it didn't. He smelled kind of good actually, and soon I found myself more comfortable with kissing the tip, and I timidly took him into my mouth. It felt so good, his hardening cock still so soft and smooth against my tongue and mouth and soon, my curiosity building, I was taking his cock into my throat. He was so gentle and never thrust, letting me find my own way and what worked for me. I was amazed to find his 6" cock fitting nearly all the way into my mouth! And I felt like such a dirty slut that my cock raged to rock hard once again, and I kissed his lips.

I laid back with my feet up on the couch, he stood up to stick his cock in my face and I took him into my mouth again while I jerked my cock furiously, his hand cupped under my balls, his finger gently rubbing my asshole, I fucked him with my face and it got me ever closer to that orgasm that had thus far eluded me. I could tell that if we could get me there, this was going to be a cumload for the Ages, because we had been fooling around for some five hours, and my cock literally felt like a stick of dynamite finally reaching the end of it's mile-long, lit fuse.

As I built toward my climax, he put his face between my legs and sucked on my perineum and licked my balls and sucked the base of my shaft and that sent me over the edge, "oh yes, Patrick, I'm cumming!" and I shot loads upon loads of voluminous, wet hot cum all out onto my chest like a Mississippi flood. He was in his own world down there between my balls and hadn't even seen the eruption, and he laughed and said "HOLY SHIT THE VIGOR OF YOUTH!" once he saw what had actually happened there, and he ran to get a roll of paper towels before I spilled over my chest and arms and soiled the couch.

I was too drunk and stoned to drive home, and he made up the couch as a bed for me to sleep. Sweet man even gave me a valium, and he said that if I slept in his bed he would not be able to keep his hands off of me and he'd want to suck my cock until the morning light, but obviously we both needed sleep as it was already four o'clock in the morning.

All night I dreamt of making love to Patrick. My gremlin and demons and gargoyles even returned to the dream to try to make me feel guilty about fucking a guy and loving it, there at the party in my head they outed me in front of everyone but they all said to them, "yeah, so fucking what?" And in my dream, they were laughed out of the ballroom, and Patrick and I continued to dance, the focus of attention and the life of the party. It was a crazy, fitting dream. In the morning I told him about my dream and he fucked me with his masterful mouth again.

I can't wait to see him again. I can't believe I have a boyfriend, and it feels really, really good.

Craigslist Ad Leads to the Unexpected

2009-01-01T17:47:00.001-07:00

The other day I posted a heartfelt poem on craigslist about what I'm searching for. Funny thing was that its in the "men seeking women" section, and I guess my post really spoke to a lot of people 'cause I got lots of responses - including one from a gay guy! Here is the poem I wrote:

I see beauty everywhere, my eyes focus like a lens
My mind wanders seeking expression in words
I am shy and reserved, yet open and self aware
I love conversation and the power of ideas
I want to understand and to be understood
I am deep, spiritual, honest and kind
Sometimes I’m blue, but I always see the good
I know you’re out there, help me find you
I love writing, music, the vast outdoors
I’m here for the mountains, sun and sky
So much love and no one to share
The only thing missing is you...

So the very night I posted it, I got a curious response that said, "What a beautiful post, is it only for women?" And I wrote back, "Maybe... Tell me about yourself." And this really sweet guy named Patrick wrote me back offering a massage and to hang out. We ended up talking on the phone for like 2 hours that night. Then we talked on the phone again today for about an hour. And I'm going over to his house in about an hour.

This is very exciting because it is totally new territory for me, and also to be on the verge of fulfilling a longtime fantasy, to hang out with a really tender and sweet gay guy with the potential for more, like fooling around! He has a hot tub and he smokes pot, so at the very least it will be nice to just chill with a natural person. There's a lot I want to talk about, about being gay, about being queer, bi, or whatever, and I want to confide in him these feelings I've been having, because it seems like he'll really understand.

Our spiritual connection on the phone is really obvious, and there's a lot of sexual tension but still in a comfortable way. Of course my cynical and fearful side wants to force me to cancel, but I don't think I'm going to let that happen. He seems really genuine and real, and seems like at the very least he could be a good guy friend that I can actually talk to about all of this inside of me. He's older than me by about ten years, so I don't really know if there'll be an attraction or any chemistry there, but there's only one way to find out! We talked about so much deep stuff on the phone, I think he has a little crush on me because he said he really hoped that there was physical chemistry between us. I kinda hope so too.

Tomorrow's post will be about what happened tonight! Wish me luck, dear friends! Here's to a brand new year.

How to Fart Like a Girl

2008-12-31T06:36:00.001-07:00

I can remember a joke from high school that girls don't fart, they "poof." It wasn't a very good joke, but like all the best jokes it was based on a truism. I always attributed it to social pressures on women to suppress the fact that they have normal bodily functions just like men. It always seemed like they wanted to pretend that they never spit, shit, pissed or puked, as if being ladylike was the antithesis of being just plain human.

Then I shaved the hair from my ass crack, and it quickly became obvious why they do, indeed, poof instead of fart.

Without wanting to be accused of gross generalizations by the PC Police, as part of my theory I must state that women tend to have less body hair. I'm sure there are some women who would know just what I'm talking about when I complain that ass crack hair gets torn out by the roots with a hefty dry shit, but many would say with incredulity, "really?" Yes, really. And it sucks.

Much as I hate having tufts of hair that grapple with bowel movements desperate for liberation, though, I hate not being able to expressively flatulate even more. As a raunch-loving adult male still swayed by third grade humor, a good forced room-clearing fart still cracks me up. I can see myself as a decrepit octogenarian still letting out a devious little chuckle with that most satisfying sound of a good rowdy fart. When it comes to farting, I'll simply never grow up.

Farts become a real disappointment with a shaved ass crack, let me tell ya. No matter how hard you push, they just seem to get lost between the cheeks. There's no vibrato, no reverberation, no satisfying crackle, rumble or crunk. They often just sit there like a bubble trapped under cellophane, like methane stored beneath a lake. At best they might let out a wimpy little sound like a dying duck or a tree frog with laryngitis. They come out as if your ass was under a gag order, unable to pronounce anything more than a pathetic little whimper.

I've often wondered why, if God created evolution, why he didn't let ass crack hair remain with the primates. Now I know: God laughs at farts too!

Zen and the Art of Letting Go

2008-12-30T07:07:00.003-07:00

I couldn't count on two hands all the times I've gotten blown off by women and all the ways they've managed to flake out and say without words the "no" that they must have meant to say when I asked them out. I've posted before on this blog about the negative effects that this type of deception has had on my attitude towards women and dating.

So the other night I was at one of my regular bar/restaurants and I noticed a woman working there again who I have not seen in a couple of years. Back then, she was the friend of my best friend's girlfriend, and she approached me one night to say hi. A little bit into the conversation I mentioned one of my favorite activities, snowshoeing, and she said she had never been. Seizing the opportunity, and knowing from her friend that she was single, I asked her if she'd like to go with me. "Yeah, that sounds fun," she said, and I got her phone number to get the date figured out and take this gorgeous woman up into the mountains for the beauty and serenity that only snowshoeing can bring. Only problem was, she must have meant, "oh you mean with you? Hell no!" because she never even had the courtesy to call me back.

So imagine my surprise to see her working at the place again, and it suddenly brought up the bitter memory of the subversive rejection that she callously dished out those few years ago. Our eyes met for a second and she seemed to recognize me, but she was sure to avoid me it seemed, making her way around the restaurant being sure to always have her back turned and to never walk past my table. Crazy thing was, that I realized at that moment that I had forgotten all about her. I couldn't even remember her name. So thankfully I was spared the embarrassment of having to talk to her, and she was spared the guilt of having to face up to her flakiness, but it definitely got me thinking.

I realized that in forgetting her altogether, I had been freed of the pain of the silent rejection she handed down those years ago. I had been able to toss her onto my forgotten pile, and seeing her again was difficult because it brought up all that residual pain of rejection. I wanted to flag her down and say, "hey how come you never called me back, bitch?" but I figured the sooner I could forget about her again the better.

Am I Becoming Less Gay?

2008-12-29T06:36:00.003-07:00

I just took this gayness test for the second time last night just for fun. I'm not sure I fully believe the accuracy or the practicality of such a test, but it is kind of entertaining nonetheless. Go check it out if you're interested.

The first time I took it several months ago, it said I was 56% gay. This time, though, it said I am 53% gay. I think I know where the discrepancy came from, it's probably the question about using soap or facial scrub to wash my face. Since the economy tanked, the facial scrub was one of the first things to get eliminated from the budget. So would I be more gay if money was more available? Just goes to show the ridiculousness of this type of test. With only two answers for each question, sometimes neither one seems completely correct.

Regardless, I think it's pretty interesting that I'm scoring right above 50% on this test, which is where I would expect the score to be for a bisexual person. Although this gay test says I'm 36% gay, probably because over half the answers I was like, "huh? How the hell would I know what movies Liza Minelli was in?" Seems to me out of the two tests, the first one makes much more sense, as the questions aren't so obvious which ones are going to increase the gay quotient.

It's actually been a couple of weeks since I even jerked off to gay porn. Lately I've been porn surfing for straight stuff, namely looking for videos of college-age chicks with small tits strip dancing and getting down, letting their fingers do the talking. Also, since my DVD player on my computer friggin' broke (damn am I pissed) I haven't gone and picked out a selection from my gay porno stash. I do have a regular DVD player, but all those pornos have like 15 minutes of ads and previews before it even gets to the menu, whereas my computer just cuts to the chase and picks up the DVD right where you left off, so it gets straight to the goods right away. Worst thing is to wait for the stupid FBI copyright statement and dumb previews about long-defunct 900 numbers while you got your dick in hand, ready to stroke. I just don't have the patience for that. When it's time to whack off - step aside people.

Also I wonder if the six months or so of blogging about this has gotten me more relaxed, or at least less uptight, and therefore less worried about how gay or not gay I am. Getting positive feedback and support from mainly straight guys who fuck men on occasion, and that they don't let labels control their self image, probably has changed my viewpoint a bit, too.

Don't matter though, 'cause I still want to go get some dick and see what that's really like.

Ultimate Christmas Wishlist

2008-12-28T07:04:00.002-07:00

I just blew my Christmas money on Amazon and I'm pretty psyched. I have a private wish list full of crossdressing stuff and I ordered a bunch of items that I've been wanting for a while. I doubt I'll wear this stuff out in public anytime soon, but a lot of the time I'm hanging out at home I just have this urge to wear dresses and girlie shit.

So I just got a razorback dress and a pleated skirt. I got lacetop stockings and crotchless panties. I ordered a pair of 5" mary janes and ruffle anklet socks. I got a waist cincher and a cupless corset. Vinyl gloves and a leather collar.

Hell yeah. Watch out for some HNT action in my new stuff, everyone.

The Elusive Deep Post

2008-12-27T19:16:00.003-07:00

Not sure what's up lately, but I just don't feel that deep or insightful with my posts anymore. It's funny too because I know there's a lot more topics and personal subjects that I want to talk about, but lately I just don't feel all that inspired to write. I haven't written a fantasy story in a couple months, and I've still managed to let my shyness overwhelm my urge to go out to a gay bar.

Something kinda cool happened in the airport though on my way to the holidays with the family. I was at a pub in the airport terminal waiting for my flight, and there was this pretty obviously gay waiter - he was kinda cute, looked about my age maybe older, and had nice pecs and arms that I could see from under his tight polo shirt. Well the waiter asked the bartender for change, and the guy totally blew him off, saying, "I don't have time for that," and just walked away from him, looking for something to do to look busy. This clearly made the waiter upset, cause he huffed and sighed like he was just fed up with this asshole bartender. I dunno if the bartender is homophobic or what - hell I don't really even know for sure if the waiter is gay, but he did have an effeminate voice and a sweet, tender way about him. The bar wasn't even that packed, so I figured the bartender's excuse was bullshit, and there must be some tension between these two. Though, granted, I was only sitting there for one beer so what the hell do I know?

Anyway, once I paid for my beer I felt bad for the waiter because obviously the bartender's attitude was getting him down. So I took the change over to him and said, "hey, I overheard that guy say he didn't have time to give you change, which is obviously total bullshit, so I thought I'd just give his tip to you, hope that's alright," and I handed him my 100% tip ($5 on a $5 microbrew small-batch beer). His face lit up and he smiled and I was like, "fuck that asshole, don't let him ruin your day." The guy said thanks and took the money.

Not trying to toot my own horn here (see Solo Fellatio lol) but it made me feel good to help someone out no matter how small. It was also fun to flirt a bit and make eye contact with a cute guy. ;)

Toolbelt HNT

2008-12-25T07:15:00.000-07:00

Some of My Favorite Quotes

2008-12-24T06:48:00.001-07:00

Everyone thinks of changing the world, but no one thinks of changing himself. -Leo Tolstoy

Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools, because they have to say something. -Plato

You cannot depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus. -Mark Twain

Success is the ability to go from failure to failure without losing your enthusiasm. -Winston Churchill

I’d rather wake up in the middle of nowhere than in any city on earth. -Steve McQueen

If you want something for nothing, go jerk off. -Bob Weir

Eat shit, ten million flies can't be wrong! -Anonymous

He who wonders discovers that this in itself is wonder. -M.C. Escher

No bird soars too high if he soars with his own wings. -William Blake

When choosing between two evils I always like to take the one I’ve never tried before. -Mae West

Zodiac Sexuality Epiphany

2008-12-23T06:56:00.002-07:00

Just a couple of days ago, I added my zodiac signs to my profile. Before that I didn't know what my Chinese year animal was, and once I saw it things made a lot more sense.

It's the rooster. COCK!

That's how I can be sure I'm bisexual - Libra = balance, rooster = cock. It's so simple, it's profound. lol

True Confessions: Why I Watch Football

2008-12-22T06:25:00.005-07:00

I watch football from the waist down. I love seeing those beefy bulges bouncing in step, pinballed between huge thighs, hidden by no more than a cup and a shoestring. I love how you can see their jockstraps when they line up, I love how the quarterback gets his hands right up in the center's ass. I watch football for the testosterone, the hefty man-on-man action, the occasional innocent player-to-player slap on the ass. All the legs, asses, bulges and rough-boy wrangling always gets me a bit horny.

100 Things About Me

2008-12-21T10:12:00.000-07:00

1. Benny Hamilton is not my real name.

2. I am 39 years old.

3. I love Chopin martinis.

4. I live rich whether I am or not.

5. I love being outdoors.

6. I have been snowboarding for 16 years.

7. I believe I was born this way: a little bit gay.

8. I am tired of judging myself for who I really am.

9. I started this blog to help me overcome my fears.

10. I am usually shy and reserved in crowds.

11. I am an entrepreneur starting my third business.

12. I don't have health or dental insurance.

13. Thirteen is my favorite number.

14. I enjoy the simple things in life.

15. I collect quotes.

16. In my free time I blog, write, compose music, take pictures, do woodworking, leather craft, home repair and nothing at all.

17. I completely renovated my house by myself.

18. I don't like to brag.

19. I am opinionated but respect other's too.

20. I am always up for a good conversation.

21. I get nervous on dates.

22. I hate dating.

23. I go out for a nice juicy steak at least once a week.

24. I dig nerdy TV programs.

25. Cats win me over more than dogs.

26. I don't like it when my cat watches me masturbate.

27. I prefer to be nude.

28. I have struggled to accept that I deserve to be happy.

29. I believe that my life improves with age.

30. I am addicted to negativity and pessimism.

31. I like many different kinds of music.

32. I have taught myself to play drums and piano, but not very well.

33. I can be brutally honest.

34. I long for close, meaningful relationships.

35. I always choose quality over quantity.

36. I prefer to not start sentences with the word "I" - having trouble here.

37. Sometimes I think I'm pretty funny.

38. I try not to take life too seriously.

39. I always avoid absolutes.

40. Irony, sarcasm, and wit are my favorite forms of humor.

41. George Carlin is my favorite comedian.

42. Sometimes I read my unabridged dictionary for fun.

43. I don't really think "pervert" is such a bad word.

44. My sex drive seems like it's always in high gear.

45. I believe the mind is the most powerful erogenous zone.

46. I like to talk about sex.

47. Sometimes I talk too much.

48. When my face is relaxed, I look angry.

49. That helps me play a pretty good poker game.

50. I'm trying to think of 50 more things about me.

51. Golf is my favorite outdoor sport.

52. I want to play golf in the nude.

53. Sometimes I wish I was a woman.

54. I have gender issues.

55. I used to be homophobic.

56. I used to be a Mormon.

57. I used to be brainwashed.

58. I try to beware of the dogmatic now and approach life from the pragmatic.

59. Sometimes I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about.

60. I like to curse and say offensive things.

61. Sometimes I can be a real asshole.

62. I avoid confrontation, and struggle to say what I really need.

63. As I write this, I have a hangover.

64. I don't always treat my body right.

65. I love to party with close friends.

66. When I party, I smoke pot.

67. Sometimes I smoke too much pot.

68. I can't stand musicals.

69. I like good movies and collect them on DVD.

70. I don't think I'll get a flatscreen TV anytime soon.

71. I'm addicted to buying power tools.

72. Procrastination plagues me.

73. I'm tempted to shred all my credit cards.

74. I've never left a debt unpaid.

75. I believe integrity is the most important quality to have in a person.

76. I'm glad only 25% of this list is left.

77. In my life, I am finally breaking out of my shell.

78. I like to learn new things.

79. I am at a turning point in my life for greater things.

80. I have done a lot of soul searching.

81. Sometimes sappy movies make me cry.

82. I've added more positive words to my everyday vocabulary.

83. I think it's working by bringing me affirmative coincidences.

84. I believe the word "God" includes all religion's gods and everything else in the whole universe.

85. I see beauty everywhere.

86. I am a "visual" person, I see and remember in photographic terms.

87. I like to watch the action during sex.

88. I prefer long sessions of foreplay before sex.

89. I take very short showers.

90. Sometimes I think I'm too skinny.

91. I'll probably go masturbate when I finish this list.

92. I love gay porn.

93. I am so glad I started this blog.

94. I'm going to keep my sexuality mostly to myself for now.

95. I know now more of what makes me happy.

96. Coming out to myself has been a big relief.

97. I wish I had accepted this side of me earlier.

98. I have a lot of good qualities to offer a partner.

99. I'm going to get laid tonight.

100. I hope my 100 things about me wasn't boring.

Who Cares Who Gives The Prayer?!

2008-12-20T06:41:00.000-07:00

Man, sure is a lot of stink over Obama's choice to give the invocation at his inauguration. It's a friggin' prayer. I mean, who cares who prays at the stupid ceremony? Sure the guy is a gay-bashing homophobic zealot... but aren't like... ALL CHRISTIANS? I'm sure there's a few out there who aren't, one or two maybe, but finding them might have taken Obama longer than the duration of his presidency!

Certainly, this guy Warren has said some fucked up shit. I'm not denying that. It's Warren that's denying his own inner gay - what could be more obvious? - but he also has a right to his opinion just like you and me. So the guy wants to force his unhappiness on everyone else. So the guy has some antiquated logic. So what? It's just a stupid prayer and besides, last I checked we all have the right to think for ourselves. Including him.

Going batshit crazy and acting like a pack of rabid wolves over the whole thing ain't gonna help either. So just live your life, let goodness come from you and it will come to you. And if some politician has some simple-minded bigot say a prayer - really - WHO CARES?! And if you believe in God, do you really think He's going to ignore your own silent prayer and listen exclusively to this fuck? Gimmie a break. And if you don't believe in God, then who cares who says the prayer?

Talk about making a mountain out of a molehill. Get over it, please?

Opulent Opportunities

2008-12-19T06:48:00.002-07:00

Whenever I get back to my quaint little hometown after visiting a big city, always the first thing that comes to mind is, "man, this is fucking sweet!" After all, people from all over the world come to vacation in the city in which I live, so it can't be all that bad, right?

I returned about two weeks ago from my disappointing trip to Houston. Since then I have seen more women in this town than ever before. And the strangest part is that I catch them looking at me with my newly honed observation skills, thanks to my fellow bisexual blogger, Brad. I'm not sure what to think - are there more women? Have mine eyes seen the glory? Were they looking before and I didn't know how to observe? Has this blog helped me find a newfound confidence that exudes from my personality? I'm not sure what it is, but something has changed.

Examples: I got a huge sparkling smile from a new coffee shop girl - am I dreaming? I felt a spark of interest from a tiny Japanese woman who's now the hostess at my most frequented breakfast dive. I busted the most beautiful woman I've ever seen in this town checking me out where she tends bar - and twice in five minutes. I made the shooter girl at the bar blush when I asked her name. And most recently ran into an old friend at the ski mountain who was there with an office colleague - she was totally hot - and when I asked them to join me for a drink, my eyes met hers and it felt like a lightning storm. I played it cool but later my friend, who's happily married, said, "dude she likes you."

Artistic HNT

2008-12-18T07:50:00.002-07:00

Self portrait wearing cockrings. I liked the way the composition and contours came out.

Thinking - Ain't It Legal Yet?

2008-12-17T06:22:00.004-07:00

Years ago, I groped and fucked my girlfriend in the mornings before she woke up - at her request. She said she absolutely loved to be woken up in the mornings by sex play, and it was true. It was how she wanted to greet the day. She would tell me the night before that she wanted to wake up with me fondling her, with my finger wiggling inside of her pussy, or sometimes she would say that tomorrow she wanted to wake up with my cock inside of her. We were in love, I'm a man - what was I going to say, no?

Only problem was, as I found out later, that this is technically considered rape. She was not the type of person to set me up, to pull the psychobitch switcheroo and call the cops. She just liked to wake up getting fucked by her boyfriend, that's all. Wasn't that her choice and our own private business? Not according to the letter of the law. I guess I just have to trust her not to press charges, huh.

There are fetish and sex-play books that describe a rape-fantasy role-playing scenario for couples. I've browsed and borrowed some books over the years, and it came with reading them that I found out that what my girlfriend had asked me to do was technically illegal. It was a strange moment to realize the implications.

Another girlfriend from earlier in my life had been brutally raped in a foreign country while we were together, and to this day I still fantasize about going to that country and finding the perp to execute my revenge. She and I had a beautiful relationship before her trip, and when she got back she said that the incident had killed her desire to be close to any man. She broke up with me to take the space she needed to put back together her shattered life. She dropped out of college, moved back in with her mom, and later forgot my name when I called to see how she was doing. We never spoke again, but I still think about killing that bastard for what he did to her.

Man Art

2008-12-16T06:51:00.001-07:00

Private Arrangement

2008-12-15T06:46:00.002-07:00

Times are tough in this bad economy, and apparently more and more women are turning to prostitution to make ends meet. To be perfectly honest, I'm not sure why that is illegal in a "free society," so I say more power to them. As the late great George Carlin put it, "Selling is legal, fucking is legal, why isn't selling fucking legal?!"

To that end, my friend came over to talk about me hiring her as a sex worker. I'm looking for NSA sex, open session adult playtime. She has long had a fantasy of working in a brothel in Nevada, so in a way it's a way for us both to explore a fantasy and get some money in her pocket at the same time.

In our discussion of boundaries, expectations, scenario possibilities, time increments and comfort zones, she warmed up to watching some videos online that I had saved for our meeting. Videos of things I wanted to do with her. Some of which she said she'd have to think about.

During one of the videos, I got a big ol' boner. There was a Japanese massage video where this guy really goes to town on a patient in a seemingly legitimate sex clinic in Japan. Apparently, their society is much more relaxed about sex than ours in the United States.

So there we were watching this video, and she and I had just been talking about sex. I love to have my cock and balls naked, and I am such an exhibitionist I just had to ask her, "would it make you uncomfortable if I took out my cock?" and she said, "no."

So I did. I was wearing my black pajama bottoms so I just pulled the elastic waistband under my balls and tucked my shirt in, so just my cock and balls we exposed to the air. I quickly throbbed to an achingly full erection. I lightly stroked the length of my shaft while we watched the video. She said would feel uncomfortable if I brought myself to come, so I just lightly touched myself while we watched.

Soon she'd seen enough of the video, and commented about the way it made her pussy feel - all warm, moist and puffy. We talked a bit more about sex, me there with my cock out and loving every minute in the limelight. She had to leave soon and that she'd think about what arrangements are going to work. I could certainly understand, and was honestly quite ready for her to leave so I could get to stroking one out.

She was sure to mention that she wasn't normally attracted to me and that we otherwise would not be talking about having sex if it weren't for the money. We have had sex before, a couple of years ago, but she said that was from a former crush that is now fulfilled, over and done. I appreciate her honesty, but at the same time it kind of hurt to hear, that you're not attractive to someone anymore.

So I'm not sure I want to pay for the session now - stupid pride - but she is such a longtime close friend who helped me realize my bisexual nature, and we have talked at length about fantasies and really a lot of kinky shit. This could be a perfect opportunity to hire a sex play consultant and get several items checked off my sexual bucket list.

People’s Preconceived Perceptions

2008-12-14T06:27:00.001-07:00

I live in a small city with a large art scene and a huge gay population. So there’s no shortage of gallery openings with gay couples frolicking about, but also these gallery openings are well known to be meat market gold for both straight and queer people alike.

So a straight friend and I hit the openings last night in search of some babes. Most of the women ended up being in the bars that we hit along the way, and one of the galleries in particular was completely empty when we came in.

Being a brisk night, the hostess offered us some hot cider and we set about to small talk.

"Chilly night out tonight, but not too bad… quite nice actually," my friend offered.

"Yes it is," the gallery hostess said, "a beautiful night for couples."

"A very nice night," I managed, cracking up inside, had I just heard this woman mistake us for a gay couple? Aw man, I thought, this is too much!

Right then half a dozen other wanderers crowded into the small gallery. I decided to run with it, and began to intently observe the art, chatting with my friend, "look, this one is only $900, but the frame just doesn’t do it for me."

The hostess was apparently hanging on our every word, and chimed in, "we can customize any frame to your liking."

"Oh of course, thank you," I replied, and we promptly left for another gallery, making our way to a bar up the street. "A beautiful night for couples," I mocked, and we both had a good laugh over that one.

Her assumptions about my friend and I, were they essentially based in homophobia? Did she make a generalization about two men together in the same way she might stereotype some ethnic minority that came in? Was her statement about couples an opportunity to experience the bias of a homophobic world? What would her assumption be if my friend had been a woman? Or even black or Hispanic for that matter? What would her construed reaction be? Would her words reveal the same subtext?

Nice Musscles

2008-12-13T07:14:00.001-07:00

True Confessions: Outdoor Masturbator

2008-12-12T07:08:00.007-07:00

Whenever I go for a hike in the woods, the supreme natural beauty all around me always gets me ridiculously horny. Being naked outside is one of life's great pleasures for me: the sun and wind tickling parts of my body normally forbidden from such enjoyment. There is also a thrilling element to being naked outside: the specter of getting caught.

When I'm in the forest alone, being naked and getting hard with the exposure is pretty much all I can think about. Even to the point of preferring to hike alone, because should the temptation arise, it is a rare hiking buddy that would not object to me pulling out my junk and waxing one out right there in my own special worship of the great outdoors.

There is also the seduction of taboo involved. While in the National Forest, one is essentially in public. I'm sure more than one park ranger (I always think of them as drop-out cops who failed the academy exam, and therefore took a job with similar authority so they could still control and command mere citizens) has delighted in catching someone jerking off outdoors, or maybe having sex, and carting them down to the poky to be booked on sex offense charges.

Which brings me to an important point about sex offenders. Society and the media today throws this label around as if all sex offenders were unrepentant perverts deserving of secondary-citizen status, that they are all borne of the same immoral scourge that threatens our personal safety and, veritably, the very fabric of society itself.

I think that's total bullshit.

A sex offender can be someone who simply got caught pissing on the side of the road, a woman who flashed her breasts at Mardi Gras, a blogger who drove down the highway with his cock in plain view, even the poor hiker who stroked one out while unwittingly caught in the lens of a park ranger's binoculars. It's called "indecent exposure," and for that their lives are gleefully destroyed, them being callously grouped with child pornographers, old-lady rapers, and snuff filmmakers.

"What is pornography to one man is the laughter of genius to another." - D.H. Lawrence

Road Trip HNT

2008-12-11T06:47:00.006-07:00

Driving back from Texas last weekend, I explored a long-time fantasy of driving past a gay trucker with my cock out in plain view. When I'm driving long distances, I hate to have to stop and take a piss, so I often attempt to fill a piss bottle without popping out of the spout, pissing all over the interior of the car and making a big mess.

So the first time on the trip that I got out the junk to fill my bottle, of course my cock had other ideas and promptly reminded me of my lingering fantasy. Instead of getting ready to pee, I got a big throbbing boner that felt so thick and full, I thought it might tear out of its skin like a transforming werewolf or The Incredible Hulk.

I drove past several truckers, not even sure if they could see me or what they might think. I fantasized that one saw me and radioed ahead to the next trucker, "NICE COCK ON THE LEFT, GOOD BUDDY." But nothing of the sort seemed to happen. Once I finally got home I jerked off and unleashed an exceptionally large cumload all over my chest.

Driving six hours with a hard on can really make a man super horny! No wonder there's countless porno shops dotted along the freeways throughout the rural Midwest.

Sweet Boxer Briefs

2008-12-10T07:16:00.000-07:00

Blogger's Block

2008-12-09T07:19:00.001-07:00

Not feelin' it today. Short on subjects and motivation.

Pubic Hair Repulsion Explained

2008-12-08T09:09:00.003-07:00

I once dated a redhead woman for about three weeks. It didn't last longer than that because we were so totally honest with each other. After only getting to know each other for that long, we had already figured out that we were both looking for something different than what the other had to offer.

On the first night that we got naked together, she saw that I was shaved and wanted to sit on me naked. Not to fuck me necessarily, but she wanted to feel my smoothness on her pussy. A few minutes into our bare grinding, I asked her if she would let me shave her pussy. She said "no way" without a second thought.

"I'm a natural girl" she said, and pointed out her hairy hippy legs and armpits, as if I hadn't noticed them already.

Later that night as we made our way to the bed, our make out session got a little more heated, and soon I was eating her hairy pussy. Yes, she did have the fire down below in case you're wondering. Her cunt hair was as red as an Arizona sunset.

Much to my chagrin though, one of her extra long, never-shaved pussy hairs got stuck in my throat. Now this has happened to me before, and it always disgusted me, but always before I was able to flush the unruly entanglement out with a gargle. Not this time. In fact, that rogue cunt hair was lodged in my throat for a solid two weeks, even after we had broken up. Every day I tried to get it to wash down: big forceful gulps of water, drinking thicker liquids like orange juice, swallowing chunks of Jello, etc. I went out to eat and ordered the half pound burger, the T-bone steak, the ribeye, ANYTHING heavy enough to dislodge the pubis from my throat. Nothing worked.

Finally after two weeks it went away -- I must have digested it in-situ, because nothing was going to tame that entanglement.

At that moment I vowed to never eat an untrimmed pussy again. GROSS!!!!

Half Asleep Wet Dream

2008-12-07T06:29:00.000-07:00

The other night I had a wet dream, which is a rare but nice occurrence for someone my age. I remember hearing about wet dreams, nocturnal emissions, in sex ed class. That they happened naturally and without awareness, that they were caused by the increasing libido of the teenage mind, and that they went away over time.

Thing is, I still have them every few years, and that for me they have always been vivid, semi-conscious hallucinations, half-asleep dreams in which I seem to be fully aware of what's going on, even to the point of knowing that I am dreaming, to the point of being able to actively guide the dream, and even be able to return to the place I left off after waking up, realizing that I am about to come. My mind knows exactly what is happening, and the wet dream will inevitably end up having a situation where I can literally see and feel my cock plunging into whatever beautiful moist warmth that my imagination has crafted for me.

I'm not sure I have ever had a gay wet dream.

My dream the other night was about a woman that I never had. She was a coworker for a few years, and despite our obvious and palpable chemistry, we never hooked up. She is probably the biggest unfulfilled crush of my lifetime. My longing for her was so strong for so many years, watching her being treated like shit over and over by her abusive boyfriend, knowing that I could give her so much more -- but never have her -- is a tragic pain that I carry with me to this very day. She is the ultimate lost opportunity, because we were totally made for each other. Only problem was her severely low self esteem prevented her from not thinking me a liar when I finally told her how great I thought she was. I finally figured out that she needed her asshole boyfriend to confirm how she felt about herself, that he simply fed her poor self image. It was like she needed to be berated to match her own self worth, that a guy like me would just short circuit her mind, because my compliments and affections did not match how she felt about herself. When I told her she was beautiful, she could not believe that I was telling the truth. She is still with that asshole now almost a full decade later.

So I took her in my dreams instead. The other night I looked into her sweet brown eyes, felt the bottomless drop of my gut with the curl of her playful smile, caressed her tender yet firmly built little frame. In my dream, as clear as reality itself, I flipped her over and spread her legs, took my rock hard cock and parted her cunt with my tip, and fucked her on the bed. In the dream I could see her pussy, I could see and feel my cock plunging in and out, I could hear her sweet voice begging me for more. Just as I was about to climax, I half-woke up, and yet still asleep in her arms, still inside of her in my imagination, yet awake enough to have the wherewithal to check to make sure my cock was still tidily tucked into my underwear so as not to soil the sheets, I fell back into sleep -- fell back into her cunt and spurted load after load deep inside of her.

Morning Wood HNT

2008-12-04T06:35:00.002-07:00

I'm really loving this HNT business. It feeds my exhibitionist side while still remaining anonymous. It's so flattering when people post positive comments about my cock. The idea that strange men and women are looking at me is so exciting!

Strip Club Diss

2008-12-03T07:21:00.002-07:00

Last night I went to the strip club with my friend I'm visiting here in Houston. His wife is out of town so we decided to cut loose a little bit.

We went to the same place that we went for his bachelor party, and I have been there a few times since then on other visits. This time was kind of a rude awakening, though, much different than all the other times I've been there.

The chicks weren't that pretty, ugly by Houston standards in fact, and they were far from friendly. Not one that I went up to on stage came to talk to me afterward, even though they said they would. One that I had asked even put her thumbs in her ears, wiggled her fingers, and stuck out her tongue at me before leaving the stage. Damn.

Then one came up and said, "why are you just sitting here smiling?" and I said, "because this is a happy place, why wouldn't I be smiling?" and she said in a mocking and Forrest Gumpish tone, "duh, there's tits on stage." That kind of pissed me off so I waved my hand in her face and said, "go away" in my most annoyed tone. Never before have I shooed away a chick at the strip club.

I'm pretty blown away by the unfriendly treatment. I don't go to the strip club, pay to get in, pay for dances, and pay too much for weak drinks to get treated like shit. Plain and simple. I get treated like shit by women all day any day FOR FREE, why would I want to pay for it? Christ.

The Gold Cup in Houston, Texas, is now officially the worst strip club I've ever been to. Makes my hometown titty bar seem like heaven on earth. At least the women there are nice, I mean, that's their friggin' job isn't it?

Three more days and I'm outta here. My experiences this time around have been nothing like the other times I've been here. Guess that's a sign to bail on the whole idea of moving here. Fuck it.

Poll Results Defy Expectations

2008-12-02T06:28:00.000-07:00

I put up the reader polls to get an idea of what my small reader base is like. What type of person enjoys my blog? Do they have a big cock or no cock at all? Do they masturbate? Enjoy pornography? Do they get enough sex? All subjects I am wildly interested in, and the outcome always surprises me.

The results I've gleaned from a few polls are the exact opposite of what I was expecting. Out of the respondents so far, only 10% are gay, 30% are bisexual, and the rest are straight. I did not predict this result!

Are there any straight men visiting my site regularly? If so, I got news for you: you're not straight.

If any of my straight visitors are ladies, are you free tonight? ;-)

Keith Olberman, True Patriot

2008-12-01T06:29:00.003-07:00

I just saw this for the first time last night. It is the most compassionate and rational monologue on the Prop 8 issue that I have ever seen or heard. It is absolutely beautiful, and brought tears to my eyes.

Gay marriage is beyond any doubt an issue of civil rights. I've posted about the subject before, so I won't repeat myself here, but I'd like to offer an observation after reading many of the comments posted on YouTube.

It just confirms my belief that Christians are the most hate filled people of all the world. They claim to follow Jesus Christ, yet they delight in ignoring his most important message: love your enemies. Go back and read your good book, you fools; and try not to overlook the obvious message again as you scour the pages for "proof" that your god hates homosexuals. Realize that you have let your hearts become corrupted by the Great Deceiver, for your paradigm is one of hatred, bile, and poison. By fostering such anger, you have merely become an instrument of Satan. You are the epitome of hypocrisy.

Though I know all about the Christian faith, I don't believe in that dogmatic hogwash anymore. Keeps my heart and mind from becoming clouded with bigotry again.

UPDATE: I don't know what I was thinking, no religious nut bag would even chance upon this blog or this post, unless of course their hypocrisy runs far deeper than I imagined. This did get me thinking though, that most of the world's problems today are caused by religion, either directly or indirectly.

Houston Opportunities: Update

2008-11-30T07:02:00.001-07:00

Well, I found the place that's my cover story, a sports bar where women go to pick up men (can you believe it?!). The odds still weren't that great though. Not counting the obvious couples, the ratio was maybe 3:1, men to women. Can't complain though, because those numbers beat my hometown odds by a factor of ten. Now if only I had the ability to be that jackass who hits on every woman in the bar.

Tonight I had the perfect opportunity to come out to my friends that I'm staying with here (though as I've said before, I think it would be wise to have a gay experience first before making such an extraordinary declaration about my lifestyle) when they mentioned their bisexual friend again. I almost said, "I want to meet him." Which would have been just as well to get them off my back, because they were grilling me about meeting a woman.

I do appreciate my friends' concern that I am alone, and I appreciate them wanting to help me figure out what is holding me back from having more confidence with women. But also I wish they would just leave me the fuck alone about it. It always seems like it's the couple, the man and woman, that can't imagine life as single. It's as if to them life isn't worth living if you don't have a spouse. It's really bullshit and I get sick of it. Do people really think they can't be happy until they find "the one?" Or do they just tell themselves that so they won't just up and admit to themselves that they are truly miserable? It's almost like they want to spread the misery, that no man should be allowed to live his own life... that a life led unmarried is one wasted.

In so many ways, I want to just get it over with and have an experience so I can tell these guys what's really going on. I do feel that their concern for me is genuine, but it would just put the whole "meeting a woman" question to rest. I'd just say that I'm not sure a woman is what I want, and that would relinquish me from having to explain my failures with women, save me from having to drudge over all the bullshit sex roles that the heterosexual world places on people. That men have to be the aggressors. That women have to sit and wait to be approached. That men who are in touch with their feelings are probably gay. I'm just so sick of all the stereotypes and the lines drawn. In so many ways I just want to be free of this struggle, and say "fuck you, I like guys too. SO WHAT."

Also, it might get my friend to cool it with the gay jokes, if he knew he was hurting my feelings.

Urges Surface With Opportunity

2008-11-29T07:08:00.006-07:00

I hadn't expected to be an absentee blogger for this whole week, but it turned out that way. I've felt largely uninspired by Houston so far. The job I'm checking out hasn't been what I hoped for. And the pollution has been really getting to me. Not only that, I miss home.

Despite my lack of motivation to blog or anything else this week - aside from my rant about kids brought on by holiday overload - I did feel a tinge of excitement as I googled "houston gay bars" yesterday, and have been looking for the opportunity to get away. Since my friend and his wife don't know I'm bisexual, I also need to find a good cover story, or at least a typical straight bar to say that I went to. But I don't want to go to a typical straight bar. This is about experiencing something new.

So my Google search turned up some encouraging results. Of course there's tons of choices, one is even a leather bar (oh how I wish I had brought my gear!). There are quite a few dance clubs, but one in particular looks to be just my type of place: I like a quiet, mellow, dimly lit bar. When I go out I don't usually want a lot of frantic action or flashy fanfare. I just want a nice classy place to chill out, sip a few martinis, and relax. No techno-throb or DJ's, nothing flamboyant or over the top. Just cool.

Also I really need to see if going to a gay bar lives up to my expectations. I expect that I will get hit on, that I will be approached, which would work perfectly for me because I'm shy and not too good at breaking the ice. As I've bitched about before, what sucks about being a hetero guy is that you have to make all the moves. It's a rare case in a thousand where the woman makes the advance. Most of the times guys have to belly up to the bar and put something out there, because if she's available she's probably just sitting at the bar waiting for someone to have the courage to make an advance. Why she doesn't have the courage to make an advance herself is beyond the point. The point is I want to be the one who gets to sit at the bar sipping my drink while suitors scramble to approach me.

I may well be too vain in assuming that anyone - male or female - would be interested in approaching me, and I may be setting myself up for even more despair if my plan fails, in the event that I am unable to attract any interest at all. But I'm willing to give it a try. Because the rejection I've faced in the heterosexual world would turn anyone's heart to stone.

Holiday Rant

2008-11-28T06:39:00.002-07:00

I fucking hate kids. Hate 'em. That's probably half the reason I'm interested in men: I'd never have to worry about ending up with kids. Probably half the reason I can't get a woman either.

Why do I hate kids? Too many reasons to list here, so let me just go over the basics.

Kids make adults act like total dumb asses. Goo goo ga ga.

Kids are self centered and annoying (bless their rotten little hearts).

Kids make me have to hear nursery rhymes. I fucking hate nursery rhymes. More repetitive and simple-minded than Top 40 country music, and they stick in your head until suicide is the only way out.

Kids make me lose my appetite during the holidays while they make a fucking mess and fling food all over the place, blowing snot into the turkey, throwing carrots on the carpet, spitting, blowing bubbles, dumping mashed potatoes on their heads while their love-blind parents gush, "isn't that cute." No, it's disgusting.

Goddamn I hate kids, and God help me if I ever end up with one. That is all.

HNT Negative Exposure

2008-11-27T06:28:00.001-07:00

Trip Today Shows Promise

2008-11-22T06:21:00.001-07:00

I'm going to Houston for a few weeks on a working vacation. I'll be staying with my best friend and his wife. She's been pretty accepting of me, and my friend and I have been close friends for almost 25 years. He's always supported me no matter what I did, and the last time I was there, about a year ago, we were driving along to go out to eat and they told me about a friend of theirs who had recently gotten a divorce because he had realized that he was bisexual.

At the time, I was just past the point of realizing that and admitting it to myself, and for a split second I thought about coming out to them. It could have been so easy, too. I could have just said, "yeah, I've been dealing with a lot of those same feelings." It wouldn't have been a big deal, it was a perfect segue.

So now I'm going to visit them again. They are encouraging me to get out on my own, too, to go out to places and see the city on my own terms. After all, I might be accepting a job there.

The cool thing is that it's such a gay-friendly city. If I mustered the strength to go out - for I am truly a homebody - I could go to any gay bar or cruise spot that I wanted to. And because I'm in a strange big city, I could do it anonymously. Being there may be the perfect opportunity because I will be away from my small city where chance run-ins and gossip circles abound.

So I had this fantasy of asking my friend for that guy's phone number, the one who came out as bisexual. Then I could let my best friend know about my struggle, and immediately have a local support network to go out and flirt with some guys. I'd love to just talk to this guy about what it was like to come out, how his sex life has changed and is it for the better? Then ask him if he wants to go back to his place and play around, that I'd love to touch his cock. I'm getting stiff just fantasizing about it here!

While I'm away I'll try to keep up with this blog, and I'll definitely keep you all up to date on any adventures, encounters, or conquests along the way.

Strip Club Bliss

2008-11-21T07:06:00.006-07:00

I went to the strip club during the daytime again yesterday. This time it was great. I only saw a few of the girls that were there last week, so it was nice to see some fresh faces. Amazingly, this time there were only a couple of girls there with fake tits. All the other girls had nice small natural tits. I was in heaven!

As usual, I let about a half hour go by, maybe ten songs, to give the ladies a chance to make the rounds and complete the circuit. As I've mentioned before, I like to get a good sampling of who's there that day so I can pick my lap dance wisely. I figure if I'm going to pay for some attention, it might as well be from a woman who wouldn't regularly give me the time of day. Half the fun at the club for me is getting to talk to such gorgeous ladies.

After about a half hour of ladies paraded across the stage, I set my sights on two dancers to make my choice. They both had incredibly smooth skin, nice proportional hips, and the little B-cups that I love so much. Most of the time, I'll let them know I'm interested by coming up to the stage, getting a little booty shake, tits in my face, a leg spread, then tuck a dollar under her g-string. If I know she's the one, I'll tuck a fiver and say, "come talk to me." Out of the two that I had narrowed out, of course I went for the younger one, but not only because of that, you see, this girl could dance! She had rhythm and moves, and best of all, she could do the splits like there was no tomorrow.

It can safely be said that any man with a hint of hetero goes nuts for a woman who can do the splits.

I ended up getting six songs from her. All at once. After the first song I was like, "don't stop" and then by the fourth song I knew she could make me come. She had unbuttoned my shirt, was fingering my chest hair, pinching my nipples. She let me tuck my thumbs under her g-string as she grinded her pussy into my throbbing bulge. She did back bends, the splits on my cock, teased me with her lips just a breath away from mine, all the while I could feel the pressure building.

Halfway through the last song I unloaded bursts of hot cum into my pants. I was lucky that I had been tucked a bit to the side, because with my shirt open, if I had been sticking straight up I would have come all over her. I would have preferred that, but I'm sure it would have caused a scene, probably ending in the bouncers beating me to a pulp.

Her perfume was so strong that even after I got home, washed my clothes and took a shower, I could still smell it on me. Sleeping throughout the night last night, her smell mingled with my imagination, and I dreamt of sweet summer days with my new 19-year-old stripper girlfriend. Sometimes you just don't want to wake up!

Happy Happy HNT

2008-11-20T07:39:00.001-07:00

Cunnilingus

2008-11-18T07:20:00.002-07:00

I love to eat pussy. Good healthy pussy, that is. The more natural and organic foods she eats, the sweeter the nectar, typically. Yeast infections or pH imbalance aside, not all pussy tastes good. Some sweet, some tangy, but the most important factor is how well her pheromones mesh with yours.

The last time I had sex with one of my lovers, I could not complete the task. We were rushed and I lost my erection. Later I decided it was because there was not enough foreplay. I wanted to play with her pussy too, not just fuck it.

Eating pussy well is, well, easy. Just think dunking for apples, think pie eating contest. The first order of business is to forget all you've seen in straight pornos. Guys in pornos eat pussy like it's poison. A few licks up, a few licks down, stick your tongue out as far ass possible so you don't have to get your face close. Remember that pornos aren't trying to show you how to eat pussy, they're just trying to keep the guy out of the way so you can see the pussy. A good cunt eater knows that it's not what you see but what she feels. So get in there!

Pay attention to her movements and you can get a silent sense of what works for her. Most men don't even know where the clitoris is, and many mistake the urethra for the clit. I'm sure many-a-lady has suffered through a bout of mistaken anatomy, as he went to town on the wrong part. Nice work, Eunice.

Rarely you will find a woman with the courage to give directions, and rarely do you find a man who can take them. But careful attention to her details, and perhaps a tender question, "does that feel good?" will show her that you're not just going through the motions. Compliment her, say how nice she looks down there, how sweet she tastes, how smooth her skin is. Many women are self conscious about their pussies in general, so a genuine compliment can go a long way to enhance her enjoyment. It's good to remember that women's erotic triggers are different than men's. Find out what they are, and commit them to memory.

Some men do not enjoy cunnilingus. That's fine, but I suspect they are not practicing on the healthiest pussy, or perhaps the chemical mix with their own body is just wrong. I feel sorry for these guys, because an hour or two at the trough can be sweet slippery bliss. I have been with a woman where her pussy was so incredible, I feasted at the banquet table for quite some time, came on my own without her knowing, got hard again and slipped on a condom. When she was about to go mad with desire and asked if I had a condom, I was already locked and loaded and shoved my dick right in without hesitation. She was in the director's chair, and it made for great sex.

A mastering of cunnilingus is easy with patience and persistence. Take directions. Pay attention to detail. Bury your face in there, find the right zones with her help and don't stop until she's trembling like thunder.

True Confessions: I Steal Panties

2008-11-17T06:40:00.004-07:00

I'm that pervert you hear about that steals panties from the laundromat. When your girlfriend goes naked in the hot tub at the party, chances are her panties will disappear from the bathroom, and I'll be on my way home to jerk off all over them.

The first time I gave into my urges to take a pair of panties was at a laundromat in Wyoming. A young woman had left her intimates in the dryer unattended, and as I sat across from her stuff, I noticed a silk black lace pantie tumbling among her cotton undies and bras. Acting like I was doing something I was supposed to, I got up and fished it out before she got back. Soon she returned, piled her stuff into a hamper basket and left, her panties hidden away in my pocket. It was so thrilling I went home and put them on under my clothes, and came back for my laundry later. Though I probably deserved it, no one stole my underwear while I was gone.

Thus started a long history of pantie thievery. I've stolen them at hot tub parties, out of drawers while in strangers homes, from the hamper at parties, anyplace I see a pair and know I can get it in my pocket without anyone seeing.

I've been able to stop, or at least slow down, because I've seen the news reports, "Panty Thief Caught" and they probably are sex offenders now. Grand Theft Panty, I guess. The last time I stole a pair was about six months ago and really pretty risky, because it was my friend's wife's panties, and it was right in front of him. His dog, who is well-known to eat panties out of the hamper, had dragged them out into the hallway and I bent down and grabbed them up. I figured they'd just think he ate another pair and forget about it. Hopefully they did. The light was low and I don't know to this day if he saw me or not.

Gay Club Outsider

2008-11-15T06:01:00.002-07:00

I wonder if there is discrimination in the gay world against bisexuals. Are they seen as half-assed turncoats who want their cake and eat it too? For some gay people, coming out has meant rejection from their own family, and they may have made huge sacrifices in their lives and suffered persecution, while the bisexual gets to dabble and experiment privately, but can perhaps more easily maintain the outward public appearance of "normalcy".

My basis for this pondering was an interaction I had on IMVU. I was at a gay virtual club flirting with some guys and it came up I was bi. They asked me to leave, saying I wasn't really queer. It was like they were against me still being attracted to women, and for being confused and in the closet. They made it out like I wasn't someone who had paid his dues, that I was just greedily grazing from the sexual banquet, too afraid to commit to the gay lifestyle. It kinda sucked to get kicked out for not being queer enough.

It started me thinking that bisexual men are not allowed to have an authentic sexual identity. They're just confused or curious or experimenting, they're really gay but are just greedy double-dippers, or whatever. I'm kind of getting tired of the way people treat bisexuality, and I haven't even come out yet! I totally agree with orange108 that coming out would be easier if the world wasn't so anti-gay. That's how I feel about having all these permanent bisexual feelings, and how much easier it would be if there was more acceptance.

There's so little general understanding of gayness. You see an effeminate man and think "oh he's gay" - or see a butch woman and say "oh she's a lesbian". They get categorized for their behavior, easily defined and easier to grasp for ignorant people. How do bisexuals act? There doesn't seem to be an easy way to single them out or pinpoint how they act, so do gay men see them as cheaters in a tough homophobic world?

Bisexual Pornucopia 4

2008-11-14T07:06:00.005-07:00

Today's HNT

2008-11-13T06:54:00.002-07:00

A Funny Thing Happened Online

2008-11-12T08:13:00.008-07:00

I've noticed before that the more desperate a guy acts around women, the more turned off by him they become. It's a strange dynamic, very similar to a predator/prey relationship. The hunters gather for the kill, and the hunted panic the closer he gets. The successful hunter is the one with the most patience, the one who lays in wait, intentions disguised, then pounces unexpectedly. A successful kill always requires cunning, deception, and skill.

As I've decided to branch out and explore my sexuality, I've been flirting a bit with guys online. Since I'm pretty new at this, I find myself taking the roll of the hunted. Which is fine, because having to always be the aggressor in the heterosexual world can get kind of exhausting. As the prey, you just relax and have them come to you, if you want to be preyed upon, that is.

Being able to sit back, as potential suitors stumble and fall all over themselves, and effortlessly employ selectivity preferences fucking rules. Now I feel the power and privilege that women do as they sit on the throne of sexual dynamics, possible mates paraded in front of them like a carnal banquet, "no, no, no, yes, no, no, no."

It's been a real eye opener to see what men are like when it's clear they are thinking with their dicks, and most notably what my reaction is when they come on so strong, and how similar that reaction is to those that I have gotten from women when desperation has taken control of my brain.

A recent exchange was a prime example of this. A gentleman with nice photos of a thick, juicy cock sent me a few messages saying he liked my profile. After an exchange or two, we started to discuss the possibility of meeting for a tryst. That's when he said, "sounds good, I'm up for anything, I'm free tonight and all this weekend."

Right away I lost interest. "Tonight?!" I thought, "wow, this guy moves fast. Too fast!" And suddenly I felt that deer-in-the-headlights sensation, like I'd been singled out for the kill but like I wasn't ready to be taken. Don't these predators know when to strike and to do it gracefully and subversively? Didn't he know that I was playing the selectivity role and he was supposed to cleverly make it seem like sleeping with him was my idea all along?

Immediately I realized that I was playing that role, that I had become the fickle love interest that had left me so confused with women before. It made me realize that all the women I had pursued but never gotten throughout my life had all acted out of this basic principle of attraction/repulsion. I had come on too strong and extinguished their desire with my advances, and now I was getting a chance to wear the other shoe. To see how a strong advance could diffuse my curiosity in an instant.

Sure seems easier to let the suitors come to me, to pick and choose as I please, rather than to make a fool of myself trying to be the potential mate among the pack of dumb-ass hyenas clambering all over each other, snapping, nipping, yelping, fighting amongst themselves for the tiny scraps of pussy-meat tossed their way.

Califirnia Prop 8 Equals Hatred

2008-11-11T07:19:00.013-07:00

If the civil rights movement against inequality in the south had been put to vote, we may still have segregated schools, bathrooms, and buildings today. These types of decisions belong in the US Supreme Court where equality and constitutional rights are guaranteed, not in the living rooms of shallow-minded citizens. A vote for granting a certain segment of society (and not another) equal rights is nothing more than a show of hands for bigotry and ignorance.

All arguments against gay marriage are based on fallacy and fear. And I have heard them all. In fact, I used to believe many of them myself, before I grew to accept my very real and undeniable gay side.

For any of you still clinging to this outdated point of view, here are the major talking points debunked one by one:

"Being gay is a choice."
Well, I can tell you that it's not; but even if it was, is it fair to ban a choice that you don't happen to like? That'd be like banning foie gras because most people think it's gross. But to some it is sublime. To each his own, live and let live.

"Marriage is for man and woman only."
No rights for the transgendered, either. Whether through no "fault" of their own or by choice, right?

"Marriage is for making babies."
So then, we should forbid marriage to people who can't physically have children. And when do we force married couples who don't want kids to divorce? After say, five years? And what about elderly couples who met late in life, should they also be banned from marriage because they're too old to have kids? What about the couple who only wanted one or two kids, should they be forced to make more or get divorced? Naturally, men who have had vasectomies should be forced out of their current marriage, and banned from future marriage if you follow this faulty logic to its end point.

"The Bible forbids homosexuality."
For the sake of argument, let's just say the Bible is a legitimate authority on the subject. I would like to point out, however, that homosexuality is not mentioned in the Ten Commandments. Why not ban all those other things first? How come we don't send people to jail who don't honor their parents? Why not imprison people for graven images? Execute them for not remembering the Sabbath. I'm sure some religious nuts would be all for it, but they forget that their god supposedly gave us free will. So convenient to cherry pick your moral code, isn't it?

"It's gross."
Maybe it is, to you. But obviously you never considered that straight sex might be gross to a gay person.

"Children can't be raised properly in a gay household."
I made the same mistake once, where I repeated this ridiculous notion to a friend who, unbeknown to me, had been raised by a loving, committed, healthy lesbian couple. And yes, he is straight, and yes he is now married, and yes - shocker! - he and his wife are expecting. There was nothing about him that fit my own bigoted viewpoint of whether a gay-raised child could have the skills to be "normal" in our society. So much that I never even suspected him of being the product of such an "unholy" union. Boy, did I sure make an ass out of myself.

"Children need both male and female role models."
Okay then, by that rationale, we should take away the children of single parents. No matter if they split up, or maybe just while he's on tour in Iraq; or maybe they got divorced, maybe one of the parents died. Doesn't matter, because that kid is doomed without both parents, so let's go ahead and ban single parenthood while we're at it, and absentee fathers, and working mothers... in fact let's ban fathers working overtime, and why not ban women working altogether for good measure? Keep the women at home barefoot in the kitchen, right? After all, the moral fiber of our society depends on it.

"Gay couples can't love each other as much as straight couples do."
Sounds like YOU are the one who has a problem with love. Sounds like you are searching so hard to find ways that you can categorize and legitimatize types of love in your own head, that you forgot that love conquers all. I know at least one gay couple who love each other more completely and purely than most all the straight couples I've ever met.

"I'm not against gay unions, just call it something else besides marriage."
Separate but equal is the same twisted logic used by Jim Crow and George Wallace to perpetuate segregation in the south. Remember those dark days in our nation's history? Many of the same arguments against gay marriage were used to deny citizens equal rights for generations. Overcoming these prejudices is what makes this country great.

When people manipulate their world view to fit a narrow perspective, justice and equality suffer.

No government has the right to tell its citizens whom to love. The only queer people are those who don't love anybody.
- Rita Mae Brown

The only abnormality is the incapacity to love.
-Anais Nin

Chastity: the most unnatural of the sexual perversions.
- Aldous Huxley

Thoughts On Coming Out

2008-11-10T16:56:00.007-07:00

I was at a dinner party last night with good friends, most notably my homophobic friend. His mom was the hostess, and among her best group of friends there is a gay couple. They were there, and know me well. They are accepted in this group, but still are made fun of a little bit. Come to think of it everyone is made fun of a little bit - it's a fun group that likes kidding around.

Anyway I was thinking that it would be a great situation to come out to everyone, with that couple there as support. Like I've said I want to have a gay experience to be sure first. It wouldn't be polite or appropriate to announce, "hey everyone I like to masturbate to both straight and gay porn!" So I must be sure before taking such a drastic step.

Coming out might end up happening by accident. The other day another friend came over and later I noticed that my "Leather Half Off" DVD was in a slightly hidden spot in my office, and he could have easily seen it. A few times ago he was over and I left out "Bang That Teen Pussy v.10" and he saw that and commented on it. The lines between gay, bisexual, and straight porn are starting to become so blurred in my mind, it's hard to remember that most people are pretty uptight about it. I know I used to be.

Cum On Guys

2008-11-08T06:42:00.000-07:00

Strip Club Blues

2008-11-07T07:05:00.003-07:00

Since the election, I've been in a pretty good mood. And since I felt a need to celebrate yesterday, I went to my favorite strip club. Most people go at night, for obvious reasons, but I went in the middle of the day. The place is always dark inside, all hints of daylight stamped out like a casino, so in a way it doesn't matter when you go. Honestly, I find the daytime the best time to go, because there's no crowds, and things are usually slow, so the girls have more time to talk.

As per my usual routine, I bellied up to the bar for a few drinks while I looked around to see who's hot and who's not. A dancer with a platinum blond wig, tiny tiny tits, and a really nice body caught my eye early on. After waiting about half an hour for her to make the rounds, give a few lap dances, and schmooze her regular customers, I was ready for a lap dance myself.

Another young woman I hadn't seen yet on stage was giving a few lap dances too. She had a really nice body, incredible ass, and when she came over my way I cast her a big smile. She sat down on my lap and we made small talk for a few songs. She was really cool, but had these huge fake tits. As I've mentioned before, fake tits turn me off, but since her ass was so nice and she knew how to move it. Before we started I said, "do you have a favorite booth?" And she replied, "I think I know what you're saying, but right here is pretty private actually."

During the entire dance, no matter what she did, I didn't feel a single tingle or swell in my shorts. Then she took out her fake tits and rubbed them on my bulge. They felt like two soft rocks, two stiff water balloons, and my cock literally ran for cover. This was a first, because usually being touched by anyone when I'm that horny has my cock standing at attention in two seconds flat, but this time it was my cock that fell flat. I knew fake knockers turned me off, but I didn't know that my dick would react so negatively. It was as if her fake tits made all the rest of her body repulsive to me. I paid her for the dance and said thanks, but I didn't have the heart to tell her that I had never failed to get hard during a dance before, and that her tits were a real turn-off. I figured that probably a woman with fake tits is pretty insecure about her body, has spent thousands and endured unbearable pain, so the last thing she needs to hear is that the boob job she hoped would increase her appeal in the club has instead decreased my desire to an imperceptible level.

Feeling a little disappointed, I noticed the platinum blond over at the DJ booth and went to talk to her about a lap dance. This is how to know your money's no good at the strip club: She says, "sure honey, but I have to go on stage next and then there's a few guys ahead of you, but I'll come find you after that, I promise." Yeah right. Rejection at the strip club. Nothing could be worse.

So instead I focused my attention to a svelte brunette, and smiled at her each time she walked past me. Finally she stopped and said, "why are you smiling?" So I said, "cause you're fucking hot as hell that's why." And she laughed and sat down. She had such a fine body, nice B-cup tits, thin waist, flawless skin. Her nose was a little big, which gave her that girl-next-door appeal: not outrageously pretty, but oh so cute. I ended up getting three dances from her, but I wasn't able to get off. I wanted to see her pussy, touch it, have her take out my cock and dance on it and jerk me off, but this club is pretty strict. So what I got instead was $60 of frustration and left feeling 100 times hornier than before.

I've heard about people getting a little extra at the strip club, but it has never happened to me.

HNT X-Dress

2008-11-06T06:49:00.003-07:00

Perverted Early On

2008-11-05T06:31:00.002-07:00

One time when I was maybe eleven or twelve, the family was on a trip to the lake with my brother, my dad and his sister, and her two kids. Out of my two cousins and my brother, only one was a girl, and she was younger than me by about three years.

When we got to the lake, my dad and aunt left us kids in the car and told us to change into our swimsuits. That's when my little cousin said, "look, my vulva!" and I turned around to see her totally naked, legs spread and her fingers parting her pussy lips, showing us all the pink inside.

At the time I didn't know what to think, as I didn't have a sister, and never even dreamed of seeing anything like that before. She must have felt left out, seeing our penises and somehow she felt a need to make sure us boys could see what was fancy about her body, too. It was one of those taboo moments because I knew I was seeing something I wasn't supposed to see, but also that I was seeing something that wasn't supposed to turn me on, bit it did make my dick tingle and bulge a bit, and that felt wrong.

To this day I still have inappropriate feelings toward all three of my girl cousins. Maybe because when she spread her lips that day, I wanted to touch her, and that unresolved urge combined with the taboo has grown into a fetish in my mind.

The more I've tried to repress the early sexual curiosities and perverted thoughts I had as a kid, the stronger they have all become.

Beautiful Trim Jobs 2

2008-11-04T06:47:00.002-07:00

I figured why not post some cock pics for election day? After all, we got fucked the last two general elections, so why should this one be any different?

Impossible Sex Drive

2008-11-03T07:25:00.001-07:00

My cock just hasn't been able to keep up with my sex drive lately. It's a dilemma, because I have an urge to masturbate nearly all day, but masturbating doesn't make me cum after like the third or fourth time. So throughout the day, despite all the beating and stroking I can apply, I can't seem to get relief. Talk about frustration. I just can't seem to release the pressure, and the chaffing is getting to me. I need to get laid, and whatever I've been trying to achieve to that end ain't working, which adds to the frustration. It's a vicious cycle, and my cock is the unwilling victim.

It's when I feel like my anatomy is failing me that my feelings of gender despair are strongest. If I was a woman, not only would I have this rockin' pussy that I could masturbate for hours, keeping up with my libido; but also it would just be so much easier to get laid. And wishing I was a woman is the most impossible dream, so it makes me feel even more frustrated.

Gay Blowjob Pics

2008-11-01T06:30:00.000-06:00

Unknown Missed Opportunity

2008-10-31T06:29:00.004-06:00

A long time ago, I think it was 1994, I had just moved to a new town, and I was in a small bar dancing to a rocking local band. Across the stage, there was a really attractive brunette that I was trying to make eye contact with, but she just wasn't looking over my way.

That's when I noticed that a few dudes were crowding the space behind me. At the time I didn't realize they were chicken-hawking me, so I said to one of them that got too close, "wow there's some hot chicks in here, huh."

"Yeah, that's if you like chicks," he replied, and with that they all laughed and made grab-and-thrust fucking motions toward me. Immediately I realized what was going on, and moved away to another part of the bar. They could tell I was flustered and kept laughing and pointing at me, high-fiving each other, obviously psyched that they had gotten-to a straight guy. Being the butt of their joke and the butt of their desires made me feel disrespected, so I left the bar altogether. I wasn't prepared to be hit on by a bunch of obnoxious gay guys, I guess.

A college friend lived in town, she and I were pretty good friends and hung out pretty frequently. We had fooled around in college, but things were strictly platonic now. The next time I saw her, I told her about the incident at the bar. She laughed because it really was funny, and sympathized with my discomfort a bit. She also confided in me that she had always thought I was gay. She was bisexual and claimed to have a pretty accurate gaydar. She said there were other guys in my class year that she had predicted to be gay, that they had indeed come out afterward. She said I was the only one that she was wrong about.

I assured her that I wasn't gay, but in the back of my mind I still knew that I wasn't exactly sure of it. I never told her about any of the urges that I really did have in college, and to this day I don't know if my denials were even convincing to her. Could she really have seen that flicker of gay in me? It made me feel uncomfortable, because at the time I was in such a solid state of denial about my sexuality.

It's a shame, too. Aside from the fact that the guy who said that to me that night looked like Tony Little - CREEPY! - I might have had more fun in that situation. I might have even gotten to get some free drinks, played these guys out a bit, maybe even taken one of them home. Problem was I was too uptight to face my own gayness and just relax and have a bit of fun with it.

It was a lost opportunity and I didn't even know it.

HNT Again!

2008-10-30T06:57:00.001-06:00

Starting to look forward to this every week. Anyone got some good HNT that I should know about?

Yeah So I Like Small Tits

2008-10-29T06:33:00.007-06:00

I just don't understand the fascination in our society with large breasts. Sure large breasts are great, but small ones are better. Way better. I can't say I know everything about 'em, but personal experience has indicated that small tits have greater sensitivity, a greater contrast of shape and size when aroused. Little tits are a treasured and delicate treat, particularly now that they have become so underappreciated and rare, especially in straight porn where it seems every starlet has silicone implants.

If I was starting a relationship with a woman with fake tits, it would immediately be an irreconcilable difference. I'm just not into it, anymore than I'd be into a guy with pectoral implants or collagen lips. The truth is that natural beauty is best, and the thought of fake, hard bags under someone's skin makes my dick shrivel up and run for cover. Viagra wouldn't even help.

It is a shame that women get so bombarded with images of "the ideal woman" day in and day out, that they soon start to devalue their own natural breasts. After all, if nearly every famous woman has fake tits, then it stands to reason that you need them to be famous, and since you have to be pretty to be famous, you must have to have fake tits to be pretty.

Bullshit!

Augmented breasts generally bolster a manufactured self worth. I once happened to overhear a conversation at a wedding, a plastic surgeon's wife was talking to a group of about ten female friends. She told them that her augmentation made her feel more confident, more womanly, more sexy. Her friends all chimed in accord. After hearing this I honestly felt disturbed. Was that whole group of gorgeous women really that shallow? I wondered how it couldn't be obvious that her REAL tits were inherently more womanly than twin bags of liquid plastic? How can a silicone balloon possibly be more feminine than a real breast? It didn't and still makes no fucking sense to me whatsoever.

Now, I don't want to insult anyone out there with fake tits. Some women may have no choice. But you ought to know that men make fun of fake breasts and the guys that date them. I seriously don't know of one man who takes fake tits seriously. When I'm at the strip club, for instance, I take extra time to find the only girl who hasn't gone and ruined a perfectly perky pair tits with a scalpel and plastic inserts. I'll tell her too, "you've got the best tits in the place, you're a fucking goddess. All these balloon bags have nothing on you."

So, yes, I do prefer small tits. A cups, B cups, even the "mosquito bite" tits. Put me in a room with ten attractive women and let me choose one, I'll pick the one with the smallest breasts. It's that simple. I just don't know where this big breast fascination came from and why women feel they have to surgically augment themselves to be beautiful. It's a mammagraphic crime, a cruel joke taken out on us guys who really do like small tops, despite what society tries to force down our women's proverbial throats.

If there are any women out there considering breast implants, please hear my plea. It's totally gross, not sexy or attractive, and accentuates nothing but your low self esteem. You may think that there are no men out there who'd like your tiny chest just the way it is, but I can tell you that based on experience, small breasts rule!

Save your money. Keep 'em real. Let's put an end to this unhealthy body image and admire all women for the breast size they have, not the size they think they have been told that they should have. Natural is always better than artificial anyway. Think about it.

OBSERVATION: A woman's brain and breasts are the only parts of her body you can't say are small without pissing her off.

New Pornos Reviewed

2008-10-28T08:12:00.003-06:00

I got my pornos that I ordered about 10 days ago. I'm pretty happy with them.

Leather Half Off is probably my favorite of the three, with lots of hot guys in black leather playing with each other in various scenarios. No bondage or S&M, just leather on skin and guys touching, sucking and fucking. Very nice.

9 Inch Males is pretty decent, but some of the guys are not as well hung as the title would imply, so that was a little disappointing, to be honest. Have to watch this one a little longer and find my favorite scenes.

Secret Bisexual Stories has some hot guys and girls, though is your typical MMF video with largely similar scenes throughout. Just like all my other bisexual pornos, this one stars a bunch of hot Brazilians. There's some really hot chicks with nice small tits and hot men with big dicks, but reading subtitles kind of sucks when you've got your cock out and stroking to the scenes. Kudos to Brazilian culture and their open views of sexuality, though I have to start to wonder if there are any non-foreign bisexual XXX productions out there, because so far I haven't seen any.

Gay DVD Empire has the best prices and service I could find if anyone wants to check these vids out.

Fantasy Fulfillment Services

2008-10-27T08:08:00.009-06:00

I talked to my friend more last week about me hiring her as a sex worker. Turns out she's been fantasizing too about what I might hire her to do, so we talked at length about it. And it was exciting! I told her most all of my ideas about what services I might need, and she had a few ideas too. It was funny because one of my requested services was to tie her up and have domain over her pussy for touch/feel, vibrator play, shaving, fisting, whatever my cock desires. Her idea was to tie me up. That wasn't on my list. It sounds good though, and I wouldn't mind paying for dominatrix services, but I have to admit that I'm more interested in a paid submissive.

We hadn't discussed price before, and considering she's a massage therapist and already commands quite an hourly wage, I figured that double her regular fee would be a good place to start. That was before I knew that she charges $75 - $100 an hour for massage! So already we're looking at an expensive fantasy.

In contrast, I know of a sex worker through a friend of mine, and she charges $150 for the whole night. Another friend of mine says he took a stripper home once and paid her $150 an hour for sex. So those seem like bargains compared to my friend's quote. Though when I think back to another friend's bachelor party this summer, I recall paying $150 for a six-song lap dance in the V.I.P. room. Foolish me didn't know that the V.I.P. room isn't where you get "extra" services, and it took that long of dry grinding for me to cum. So by that standard, $150 an hour is cheap!

We didn't make a decision about price, but merely put some figures out there to mull over. She is seeing someone right now, and although she told him that she is strictly non-monogamous, she says he still gets jealous (typical insecure male trying to take ownership of a pussy) and she needs to talk to him about it first. My thoughts are that it's a job and it's her personal business, but I still admire her honesty. Besides I wouldn't want to come between her and a good thing.

I hope we'll be able to come to an agreement, because I'd like to pay her for some sex play, but not sure I want to pay her for sex. I know that sounds weird, but since I've already had sex with her, somehow I feel strange about paying for something that I've gotten for free. It's all the other stuff, the fantasies that are beyond sex, that I want to pay her for. The scenarios and activities that are not normally associated with conventional sex. Like the massage therapist who breaks the rules and jerks me off, the naked yoga instructor, the paid submissive, etc.

Nice Jeans 1

2008-10-26T06:56:00.002-06:00

Cock Project Defunct

2008-10-25T08:26:00.003-06:00

I have no freaking discipline. About a month ago I posted an entry about a project I wanted to do: take a still shot of my cock every day for a year and then make a little 30 second short film. Well I realized today that I haven't taken a picture for over a month. It's clear I don't have the consistency and/or desire to keep up with it, so the project has been scrapped. Oh well.

Happy HNT!

2008-10-23T06:54:00.002-06:00

Yay! Free post Thursdays... no brains required.

I took this picture for an online profile but never posted it.

Fickle Follicles Hate Shaving

2008-10-22T07:24:00.010-06:00

I saw some nerdy TV program recently that said that evolutionarily speaking, human skin is most advanced. Apparently our sweat glands are pretty far ahead of the game, and as we learned to live in different climates (by building better shelters, making warmer clothes, etc.) hair adapted to be less and less important to our survival.

In this way, hair is primitive. Makes sense then that most of our hair left over from the evolutionary process is located in primal areas: the pits, the chest, genitals, around the ass hole. [Side note: what benefit to survival does having hair that wraps around your shit logs and gets ripped out by the roots as you push have to mankind, is far beyond me. Intelligent design, my ass! lol]

Anyway, I have a feminist friend who insists that women who shave anything at all [CLARIFICATION: I spoke with her by chance last night, and her theory is for women who haven't NOT ever shaved, therefore they have no basis to make an informed choice... I see her point] are just victims of male-dominated society that falsely equates hairlessness with femininity. But isn't that viewpoint an affront to each woman's individual freedom and personal choice to shave? Are women really only driven subversively by male dominance when it comes to their body image? Is it not beyond the realm of possibility that hair is uncomfortable and some women prefer to be smooth according to their own sensibilities?

And on the flip side, what then about men who prefer to shave their faces? On which undue societal pressure can we blame men's drive to remove their beards? Could we not argue that men shave because their women prefer to kiss a smooth face? Which brings us full circle, what of men who choose to shave their face on their own accord, because they like it that way? Not to mention the comfort factor.

In what other ways, dear reader, can one's hyper-liberal views lead to a hypocritical conservatism?

Fact is women and men can and do shave whatever they want for whatever reason they want all over the world, and have for centuries. By observation, though, not all hair is privy to being shaved, and not all people can shave without dire consequences.

Take for example shaving the pubic area in whatever form. It's done for surgery, vanity, some cultures and tribes do it ritualistically, I've heard even of some modern religions doing it. Probably for most people, shaving their pubes results in red bumps, days of itching and scratching, the stubbly hair being grated back and forth, stuffed into underwear and pants, getting irritated all day with each step and bend. Those who can shave it all bear without discomfort certainly have this author's envy!

Speaking of which, there are only a few parts on my body I can shave without getting a rash. My toes (I know, right?), my face, neck and scalp, my cock and balls, my perineum and asshole. That's it. I tried to shave (I used Nair type depilatory actually) my chest once but it turned to a firepit of ingrown hairs. I shaved my thighs once and it resulted in the same living hell, not worth the days of discomfort for even a second of smooth bliss. I waxed my hairy ass cheeks and regretted it for weeks. Damn it!

I still SO miss my ex girlfriend who could shave it ALL without a bump, itch, or ingrown hair. Her body was an evolutionary step toward having no body hair at all. None of her follicles protested to being shaved, and thus eating her pussy was like diving face-first into a cream pudding pie. You could just get right in to the goods, no comb, curlers or mustache wax required to get the mess out of the way and get to munching! Her pussy was like smooth velvety white chocolate mousse and just as sweet. Wow.

In closing, who is to judge why anyone shaves anything? It's their body and their choice, and though sometimes the hair reacts in unpleasant ways, shouldn't it always be up to the individual? And shouldn't they be allowed to have their own reasons? I say yes. And get to shaving!

What is Bisensuality?

2008-10-21T09:04:00.009-06:00

Bisensual. This was a word I thought I made up. Since I've not yet had sex with a man, I didn't feel 100% truthful is naming this blog "Bisexual", because I can't yet be sure that that's where this journey is bringing me.

Since I have fantasies about both men and women, that I masturbate to both gay and straight porn depending on my mood, and since the idea of touching a cock (and maybe doing more) arouses me, I thought I'd go with "Bisensual".

But then I did a Google search on the word and was surprised at the primary results, and not only because I thought I had made up the word. According to most of the search results, bisensual means people who are emotionally or romantically (bot not sexually) attracted both men and women. Hello? Sensuality is physical enjoyment, the word itself is based on the root word "sense" which has little to do with emotions and relationships. The five senses enhance those things, not replace them entirely. So this definition is completely off the mark, in my opinion. The second definition in the results at Urban Dictionary make much more sense to me, though readers have not voted it "up" as much, probably because the definition is far too intellectual for the average moron.

I would argue that bisensuality has absolutely nothing to do with romance. Sensuality can be romantic, true, but we humans have five senses, and emotions isn't one of them! Frustrating that so many people can vote "up" on a definition that's so intellectually bankrupt.

Subversive Rejection Feeds Misogyny

2008-10-20T08:58:00.006-06:00

Another post by HyperSexualGirl got me thinking about the battle of the sexes.

Well over a year ago I had the best first date I have ever had. We hit it off, we shared the same philosophies and ideas, same favorite movies, same books, favorite bands and more. I couldn't believe it. Could my luck with women finally be turning around? All hints to the positive.

Before the date even ended, she asked me out on the second date. Unprecedented, I thought, this is new territory and it feels great! But alas, how short the euphoria would last!

The next day upon reflection, how well the date went, how the conversation just flowed, how we had so much in common, I realized that on the date something happened that has never happened to me before. She spoke in language that connected with my soul. The way she formed her sentences, the way she put her words together and the way she expressed her ideas, it turned me on! My heart and mind felt relieved that maybe I had finally found The One. Her personality was truly that attractive to me. I felt so blessed to have met this person!

Resisting the foolish temptation to become her husband in my imagination, and not wanting to seem desperate, I waited until the next day after to call and thank her for a great date. Just a regular message: hey it was great I had an awesome time, looking forward to seeing you again. Not overbearing, not over the top, not over-impassioned, not psycho, just casual.

Contrary to all prominent indicators, however, she never called me back.

Three weeks later she finally emailed me (what could be more cowardly?) saying she got back together with her "ex" and that I was a "great guy" and all that. Now, it's fine for her to get "more serious again" with her ex, but what she doesn't know is that we have mutual friends... And there is no ex!

Was she suffering from an utter lack of integrity? Did she flat-out lie? Was it all because I didn't kiss her after the date? If only she'd tell me the truth. I knew the ex story was BS, and leaving me for three weeks to contemplate why I might be getting blown off after such a great date was just absolute cruelty. Was my time and emotions not even worth a 15-second return phone call?! Apparently not, and it amounted to absolute disrespect.

Despite my determination to not blame all women for the pain and anguish caused me by the few, stuff like this plays tricks on one's mind. It fucks with your self esteem, diminishes your self worth. The guy comes away with nothing positive, nothing constructive, no advice or direction to learn from the experience. The guy is left with nothing more than one big "WHAT THE FUCK?!" and that's only one step away from saying "FUCKING LYING BITCH" and that happens enough times and the next step is "FUCKING WOMEN" because the culmination of experiences has no positive return for your emotional investment. All you get is confusion, wasted time, and the painful conclusion that you must have gotten rejected. The let down is a thousand times worse, because not only are you rejected, but you didn't even get the respect of her honesty, which could have saved you thinking about her so much, all that empty wishing, the hoping beyond hope that it's REAL this time.

In some ways I believe this reactive misogyny has happened to me. I have been deceived and hurt so many times by women: blown off, given the wrong phone number, told "yes" to a date then they drop off the face of the earth... one woman even gave me her boyfriend's phone number! Now it's hard to think of a more dishonest, disrespectful, manipulative, cruel and inhumane way to treat another human being. To use me as an instrument of jealousy, to realize rejection in the form of the threat of violence: "I'll kick your ass for asking out my girlfriend!"

Ladies, understand that by not having the GUTS to tell us men the truth when it comes to how you react to our advances, you are only doing humankind a terrible disservice, and merely making peace and love an even more distant dream. Men who face constant and continuous rejection without courtesy or explanation, become the Hitlers, Kilmer Rouge, and Ted Bundy's of the world.

Yes, women, believe it or not you do have that much power. Please use it wisely, and just be honest with men.

Thanks.

Beautiful Cocks 2

2008-10-18T07:05:00.001-06:00

Beautiful Asses 2

2008-10-17T09:37:00.001-06:00

New to HNT

2008-10-16T06:39:00.001-06:00

I just caught on last week to what HNT is. So here's my first "Half-Nekkid Thursday" for all you blogophiles out there:

I'm sure someone will say that ain't half-naked, but so what. I started this blog in part to post pictures of my cock anyway, so there you go. Happy HNT!

Bi-Curious Poll Results

2008-10-15T08:08:00.001-06:00

Nearly sixty percent of voters said they wish this site had more bisexual pics and vids. So of course it got me thinking. They must mean threesomes, MMF (male-male-female). So is that the dominant paradigm in bisexual desires? Is it merely a group-of-three fetish? Do some men gather some form of comfort with having a woman there? Would they stay hard if she left? Would they think they were gay if they did stay hard?

To me, my bisexuality is more about a duality of lust. My attraction for one sex seems to wax and wane, like the phases of the moon. My gayness surges in a tide, then will wither down until only straight sex consumes my fantasies, then will come rushing back. For me, the beauty of bisexuality is the option to sleep with a man or a woman, that both can get me hard and, presumably, get me off and satisfy my lustful cravings. That just feels like it opens so many doors for me, that I don't need to be pigeonholed into a straight or gay category. It feels like goddamn freedom.

Despite my decision to admit my bisexuality to myself, and to continue to be more honest with myself, I still struggle with having to have a label at all. "Bisexual". Does that word exactly describe my shade of gay? Not really. Come to think of it, bisexual can mean a lot of things and describes little. Would a better term for men who only get off on MMF be "trisexual"? Are guys who would sleep with either a guy or girl but not both "polarsexual"? Are people who'd fuck anything, human or animal, "omnisexual"? Are anything-goes group sex participants "polysexual"? All these labels... are they really necessary?

Still Confused and Searching

2008-10-14T06:37:00.005-06:00

Even after over a year of self-admittance, even after three months of daily posts on this blog, I’m still confused… what am I? Am I just a desperate straight guy with a bi-curiosity? Am I truly bisexual? Am I gay and just hanging on to the hope of finding a woman? What’s going on here?

I’m glad to have memories throughout my life of gay urges to reflect upon. That makes the fact that they have surfaced so strongly easier to face somehow, like it hasn’t all come on all at once and thus been a surprise to me.

If I was less self aware, I might not recognize my path: from lonely desperation to a narcissist who fell in love with his own cock, which led to the association of cock with arousal and fed my gay fantasies. Still feeling attraction to women, I could only assume that I must be bisexual, but am I?

I don't seem to be entirely turned on by gay sex. In some ways it feels more like an intrigue, like an urge to experience it. When I think about just abandoning women and going all gay, I immediately think of all the things about women that, although I may be jealous of and can’t seem to get, I totally love and could never give up. I end up having to admit to myself that my attraction to men is not as complete as to women, that it doesn't consume my whole being, that I don't simply melt with desire like when I see an attractive woman. I don't feel that deep inner spark, it's more of a fleeting yet permanently real fascination.

I’m not sure if this is because I haven't really experienced it completely or what. I’m not yet familiar with the sounds and smells of gay sex, the tastes and touch, the sinewy, hairy, sweaty male pheromones, the sensual stuff that words can't describe, the ethereal side that I long to have with women, yet seem to have so much trouble getting.

What will my first gay experience bring me? Will it be a release? An awakening? Will I feel fulfillment? Guilt? Disgust? Will I realize that women can't give me love or satisfaction any more than a man? Or that men can’t give me what I really want? Or the other way around?

There’s only one way to know, obviously. In many ways I wish women were as available as men so I wouldn’t feel like I had to turn to men out of desperation for women. It would make it a little clearer, since affection has been so scarce for me in the heterosexual world, it makes me wonder if I’m just adapting my sexuality and fantasies just to be able to get some play.

Hot Gay Sex Video

2008-10-13T08:07:00.000-06:00

Way hot video to jump start your week. Got me hard fast, so hot!

New Pornos On The Way

2008-10-12T06:57:00.006-06:00

Since my birthday is coming up, I decided to splurge and add a couple gay and bi DVD's to my collection. They shipped last Thursday and should be here any day now. My cock eagerly awaits the jerking it's going to get once they arrive. This is what I ordered:

9 Inch Males - I love to see a cock get pulled out of underwear and swing with heft.

Leather Half Off - Love leather, love gay porn. Enough said.

Secret Bisexual Stories - MMF threesomes, and anything goes. Where do I sign up?

UPDATE: They arrived and I'm enjoying the stimulation so far.

Pussy Envy

2008-10-11T06:53:00.009-06:00

Aside from the fact that women control sex, I am jealous of women in many ways. Which is funny, because female friends of mine have said they are jealous of men. The grass is always greener I guess.

Women have curvy hips, framed by soft mammagraphic teardrop breasts of incredible beauty, nipples, neckbones, shoulders. Smaller, less muscular features than men, pretty hands, small feet, sexy knees and elbows. Moreover, women get to have a pussy, a way more complex sex organ than a penis, much less erratic and prone to malfunction, one that could likely keep up with my superfluous sex drive throughout the day.

Women’s bodies are capable of comparatively extreme sensuality, the body interconnected to and fine-tuned with the clitoris, which provides much more intense pleasure than a cock does for a man, and functions for longer than any man can hope to last and yet still be able to cum.

The pussy offers a virtual yacht of ecstasy compared to the drag-race cock: pussy provides a luxurious cruise, good for hours of foreplay and sex, whereas the cock burns all it's fuel in one shot, blows it's engine in a quarter mile and has to be restarted for the next race.

I’m jealous to get fucked in the pussy, to be filled up, to have that superior organ be able to engulf and consume the powerful phallus.

I wish I could be a female stripper, a fantasy I can never fulfill. Even with extensive, irreversible sex-change surgery, medical miracles simply cannot recreate the natural beauty of a woman’s body.

Before I came out to myself, I couldn’t admit that I was jealous that women get to suck cock. Now I’m more comfortable with myself, so that is one thing I can see what it is like, but certainly not from a woman’s perspective.

I’m jealous of Victoria’s Secret, lingerie, sexy dresses and skirts, and having the curves to fill them out! Jealous of makeup and glamour and heels and getting to wear all that in public. Some might say whatever, you can go out in heels if you want, but that's not the whole point - I want to be able to go out in heels as a woman -- without a cock -- to feel that lifting of my hips and curve of my back and the tilting forward and up of my pelvis, turning my non-existent pussy outward. I will never feel that, and that is the root of my jealously of women.

They're so fucking sexy, have so many different outfits and sexy things to wear. The hips, waist, cleavage… the pussy - KAPOW!!! Sha-bam! I've been jealous to have all that since my earliest memories. Even when I was a small boy I noticed how curvy girls’ lower backs and asses were, and I was jealous that I wasn't shaped that way. I had pussy envy.

Lame and Distant but Still Horny

2008-10-10T07:14:00.004-06:00

This week's been a struggle to focus energy on this blog. I wanted to be able to have an insightful, meaningful, or deeply personal post at least once a week, but my reservoir of emotions and self-awareness seems to have dried up for the past week.

I haven't really had any profound revelations to share lately, not to mention my wireless router decided to block all traffic and I can't figure out why, so I've been spending less time online because I have to crouch in a corner on a 3-foot LAN cable to log on to the friggin internet. My normal routine of taking the laptop to whatever part of the house or yard that inspires me to write has been replaced by being captive to a cramped, slouchy space with an uncomfortable chair.

I am pleased to report, though, that I talked to a friend this week about fulfilling some fantasies, so that's cool. She's a massage therapist, and she's always very strict about maintaining her professional boundaries. Sex and professional massage don't mix, especially if you want to A) keep your license to practice, and B) stay out of jail. So I wasn't sure how she would react to me asking if I could hire her as a sex worker instead of a massage therapist, I thought she might get pissed. Though, we have talked before and she told me that being a sex worker has always been a fantasy of hers, so I guess I knew she wouldn't be too offended.

My fantasy scenario, well one of them, involves a massage therapist setting, but she breaks the rules (I also want to try this with a man). She doesn't stop at my upper thighs but continues up to the goods. I want to lay stark naked on the massage table, cock hard and sticking straight up, no towels or sheets to cover me. She gets naked, lets me oil up her body and while she massages me, maybe even fondle her pussy, then she climbs up on me and uses her full-body, her tits, cunt, and ass to massage me. Once we're totally oily and I'm hard as stone, she hand-massages all the parts that are normally off limits for a legit massage. Caresses my balls, strokes my cock, fingers my ass, massages my perineum, my prostate, and makes me cum in explosive bursts all over and then rubs it into my skin. For her tip I'd fuck her something fierce.

White Cotton

2008-10-09T07:53:00.000-06:00

Shower Fantasy

2008-10-08T06:30:00.005-06:00

I always loved taking a shower with my girlfriends -- washing their smooth bodies, touching every inch, caressing their pussies and tits. Just stepping into the shower with a woman always got me instantly hard. Now that I have unlocked my gay side, I have fantasies about showering with a guy, washing his balls, stroking his cock with the soapy lather.

Then I'd rinse him off once he got hard and kneel before him, taking his cock into my mouth, applying suction, letting him push his tip into the back of my throat. While I suck him off I massage his asshole with my fingers, I jerk myself off, getting harder.

Once his ass is loose, I put on a condom, he turns around, and sticks his ass in the air. I take my stiff cock and guide it forcibly into his ass. He moans and throws back his head. And we fuck in the shower until I'm ready to cum, and I pull out of him and whip off the condom and cum all over his back and ass.

Here's a shower video for your enjoyment:

Gay Double Facial

2008-10-07T07:12:00.004-06:00

Here's a video for your excitement, everyone. The guy in the middle takes his medicine with such aplomb I had to pull out my own stick and get to wanking.