About a year ago when I was exploring my sexuality and first accepting that I was probably bi, I heard about these rumors going around about men who are "on the down low." Supposedly they are outwardly straight men who secretly have sex with each other on the side.
I asked a good friend of mine what he thought about this, in general, and if he had ever heard about it. His answer surprised me. "Dude, I don't care what anyone says, if you sleep with a guy, you are fucking GAY."
At the time, I had already purchased a few gay magazines and pornos, and gay surfed and masturbated to homosexual material quite a few times. By asking him this general question, I was sort of feeling out how he might
react if I told him that I was bisexual. He surprised me because of the stark nature of his answer: when it comes to being gay, you either are or you aren't. His answer made me feel like I could never tell him that I was bisexual, because he would just label me as gay, and perhaps feel betrayed, maybe even get defensive and wonder if our friendship was merely based on misguided affections.
It must be terribly difficult for closeted gay men to come out to their friends and family. The fears of being rejected must be very strong, especially for those raised in more conservative families. But in our society, gay men are less misunderstood and more accepted every day, albeit often only in jokes and on comedy sitcoms (Will & Grace). The fact that there are gay people in the world is no longer a secret, at least in America. Americans can understand gayness, on a basic level, and although they may not agree with it or accept it, they know it exists.
Bisexuality in men, on the other hand, seems far more misunderstood in our society. We are perhaps thirty years behind the curve when it comes to our viewpoint of male bisexuality. I think a lot of men, like my friend, are threatened by gayness. So they have to draw a line in the sand, create contrasting definitions between gay and straight, ideology reduced to absolutes, as a defense mechanism. Perhaps they have felt a tinge of gayness, and in an attempt to reject that side of themselves, have repressed their urges to comply with their enforced heterosexuality. It is this artificial pigeonholing of sexuality that I believe keeps many people in the closet from themselves, never able to figure out why they are so unhappy. What they really crave is a homosexual tryst. They are the Larry Craig's of the world. Afraid to face their inner gay.
One of my all time favorite movies is Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon. It's about forbidden love, and the tragedy of not having the courage to shun social mores and give in to true love, to just accept the loving gifts of the universe. The main character, Shu Lien, says, "that which we try to suppress, only becomes stronger." This line was rather profound for me when I first saw the movie, as I was myself struggling with feelings I was trying to suppress. I had not yet figured out that I was bisexual, and was fighting to keep from "becoming" gay. I was confused and paralyzed by a strict mis-perception of sexuality that didn't match the urges I was having inside.
A reality show I like on Bravo TV, called Million Dollar Listing, has a character named Madison who explained his sexuality as "open." That makes a lot of sense to me, it strikes a chord. The fact that he is so comfortably blunt about it really turns me on. Not to mention he is SO friggin hot I can hardly stand it. All the guys on that show are totally hot, but that's besides the point. The point is that sexuality is far more complex than gay or not gay. I hope that one day our society can outgrow its myopic view of sexuality.
I asked a good friend of mine what he thought about this, in general, and if he had ever heard about it. His answer surprised me. "Dude, I don't care what anyone says, if you sleep with a guy, you are fucking GAY."
At the time, I had already purchased a few gay magazines and pornos, and gay surfed and masturbated to homosexual material quite a few times. By asking him this general question, I was sort of feeling out how he might
react if I told him that I was bisexual. He surprised me because of the stark nature of his answer: when it comes to being gay, you either are or you aren't. His answer made me feel like I could never tell him that I was bisexual, because he would just label me as gay, and perhaps feel betrayed, maybe even get defensive and wonder if our friendship was merely based on misguided affections.It must be terribly difficult for closeted gay men to come out to their friends and family. The fears of being rejected must be very strong, especially for those raised in more conservative families. But in our society, gay men are less misunderstood and more accepted every day, albeit often only in jokes and on comedy sitcoms (Will & Grace). The fact that there are gay people in the world is no longer a secret, at least in America. Americans can understand gayness, on a basic level, and although they may not agree with it or accept it, they know it exists.
Bisexuality in men, on the other hand, seems far more misunderstood in our society. We are perhaps thirty years behind the curve when it comes to our viewpoint of male bisexuality. I think a lot of men, like my friend, are threatened by gayness. So they have to draw a line in the sand, create contrasting definitions between gay and straight, ideology reduced to absolutes, as a defense mechanism. Perhaps they have felt a tinge of gayness, and in an attempt to reject that side of themselves, have repressed their urges to comply with their enforced heterosexuality. It is this artificial pigeonholing of sexuality that I believe keeps many people in the closet from themselves, never able to figure out why they are so unhappy. What they really crave is a homosexual tryst. They are the Larry Craig's of the world. Afraid to face their inner gay.
One of my all time favorite movies is Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon. It's about forbidden love, and the tragedy of not having the courage to shun social mores and give in to true love, to just accept the loving gifts of the universe. The main character, Shu Lien, says, "that which we try to suppress, only becomes stronger." This line was rather profound for me when I first saw the movie, as I was myself struggling with feelings I was trying to suppress. I had not yet figured out that I was bisexual, and was fighting to keep from "becoming" gay. I was confused and paralyzed by a strict mis-perception of sexuality that didn't match the urges I was having inside.
A reality show I like on Bravo TV, called Million Dollar Listing, has a character named Madison who explained his sexuality as "open." That makes a lot of sense to me, it strikes a chord. The fact that he is so comfortably blunt about it really turns me on. Not to mention he is SO friggin hot I can hardly stand it. All the guys on that show are totally hot, but that's besides the point. The point is that sexuality is far more complex than gay or not gay. I hope that one day our society can outgrow its myopic view of sexuality.
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