Is Using Porn the Same as Cheating?

They say if you love someone set them free. It seems that's easier said than done, as jealousy often prevents us from allowing our girlfriends, boyfriends, husbands and wives true freedom. Instead we want them to be committed to us and only us, we want to believe that their eyes never wander, that all their sexual fantasies involve us alone, and that we can fulfill their every desire. Though I do recognize that monogamy is a choice that most of us make by default, I also think that such strict interpretations of commitment are detrimental to healthy relationships. Honestly.

A friend of mine is married but has probably the world's most wandering eyes. He points out hot women constantly, and his wife is no ugly duckling, but still his eyes wander lustfully. I asked him once, "doesn't Amy get upset with you scoping out other women all the time?"

"Nope." He explained, "she knows who I am and knew what she was getting into when we got married. Besides, my philosophy is that it doesn't matter where you get your appetite, so long as you eat at home." Amy knew that the more looking her husband did, the hornier he got, and the more vigorous fucking she was going to get once they got home. Talk about trust and a higher understanding!

I've heard here and there, read blogs and posts on the internet, about spouses who are worried that their significant other is "cheating" on the internet via porn surfing, flirtatious chat, cybersex, or what have you. Once they find out that he or she really is doing it, the guilty feelings are projected inward and internalized. It becomes the cuckold's fault that the other went looking elsewhere, because they alone weren't good enough for them. I think that this is a trap that many of us fall into: distilling someone else's feelings through our own viewpoint, not able to see that each person is an individual driven by their own needs and desires. To further my point, how many of us make all of our decisions initially based solely on someone else? None perhaps except for a mother and her child. Marriage is a union between two individuals. And individuals, at the most basic level, are always driven by survival and self-preservation. Being considerate of others is a learned behavior, not instinctual.

Monogamy is not necessarily human nature. I have a friend, she is a bisexual single mom, who is a strict polygamist. Not that she lives on an FLDS compound, but that she is honest enough with her lovers and more serious relationships to say to them, "look, I don't believe in monogamy." In other words, she knows that she will need sexual fulfillment outside of any relationship she may have, and has the self-awareness and courage to tell the truth from the get go. I think this kind of honesty is lacking in many relationships, primarily because of social constraints and learned guilt responses that have us terrified of unconventional sexual encounters, whether gay, deviant, extramarital, or all of the above.

How many marriages could be improved with more honesty, trust, openness, and willingness to try to understand someone's perspective not viewed through our own personal kaleidescope of judgment? One of my favorite bloggers, Anginae, is dealing with lots of confusion and guilt since her husband came out to her, and I commend her willingness to try to step outside of herself to analyze the situation. It is probably this rare ability to interpret her husband's feelings detached from her own that has saved their marriage so far. Many others with a shallow understanding might have already filed for divorce!

Spouses who find their significant others "cheating" online might do well to try to put their own feelings aside, take a few steps back, and glean some perspective. If not seen through our own fogged lens of jealousy, we might be able to learn more about our mate, delve deeper into who they really are, offering support and understanding so that they feel completely comfortable telling us that they have been having gay fantasies, or that they want to deflower the babysitter; or how she fantasizes about the gardener fucking her in the dirt behind the bushes. Often times it is the taboo that is the most magnetic, especially for those that are severely repressed. It's a classic vicious cycle.

So many people are unknowingly kept unhappy because they can't express their sexual fantasies out of fear of repulsion, rejection, and reprisal. I believe that to have true honestly, openness and understanding in a relationship, we need to commit to know our significant others on their own terms, through their own eyes and not just ours. As for the "cheating" aspect, how much control you exert over your spouse directly reflects your own level of insecurity. Control amounts to selfishness, as we view our own needs of how we want someone else to be as more important than who that person really is, and limits our ability to love that person for who they really are. How can we truly know them if we fabricate our own mental barriers around them?