How to Fart Like a Girl

I can remember a joke from high school that girls don't fart, they "poof." It wasn't a very good joke, but like all the best jokes it was based on a truism. I always attributed it to social pressures on women to suppress the fact that they have normal bodily functions just like men. It always seemed like they wanted to pretend that they never spit, shit, pissed or puked, as if being ladylike was the antithesis of being just plain human.

Then I shaved the hair from my ass crack, and it quickly became obvious why they do, indeed, poof instead of fart.

Without wanting to be accused of gross generalizations by the PC Police, as part of my theory I must state that women tend to have less body hair. I'm sure there are some women who would know just what I'm talking about when I complain that ass crack hair gets torn out by the roots with a hefty dry shit, but many would say with incredulity, "really?" Yes, really. And it sucks.

Much as I hate having tufts of hair that grapple with bowel movements desperate for liberation, though, I hate not being able to expressively flatulate even more. As a raunch-loving adult male still swayed by third grade humor, a good forced room-clearing fart still cracks me up. I can see myself as a decrepit octogenarian still letting out a devious little chuckle with that most satisfying sound of a good rowdy fart. When it comes to farting, I'll simply never grow up.

Farts become a real disappointment with a shaved ass crack, let me tell ya. No matter how hard you push, they just seem to get lost between the cheeks. There's no vibrato, no reverberation, no satisfying crackle, rumble or crunk. They often just sit there like a bubble trapped under cellophane, like methane stored beneath a lake. At best they might let out a wimpy little sound like a dying duck or a tree frog with laryngitis. They come out as if your ass was under a gag order, unable to pronounce anything more than a pathetic little whimper.

I've often wondered why, if God created evolution, why he didn't let ass crack hair remain with the primates. Now I know: God laughs at farts too!

Impossible Sex Drive

My cock just hasn't been able to keep up with my sex drive lately. It's a dilemma, because I have an urge to masturbate nearly all day, but masturbating doesn't make me cum after like the third or fourth time. So throughout the day, despite all the beating and stroking I can apply, I can't seem to get relief. Talk about frustration. I just can't seem to release the pressure, and the chaffing is getting to me. I need to get laid, and whatever I've been trying to achieve to that end ain't working, which adds to the frustration. It's a vicious cycle, and my cock is the unwilling victim.

It's when I feel like my anatomy is failing me that my feelings of gender despair are strongest. If I was a woman, not only would I have this rockin' pussy that I could masturbate for hours, keeping up with my libido; but also it would just be so much easier to get laid. And wishing I was a woman is the most impossible dream, so it makes me feel even more frustrated.