Final Post?

I have moved past this blog and my fears - with its help. Writing all this helped me sort out my feelings and explore fantasies in a free and anonymous environment. It served me well, but the time has come to move on.

Patrick and I broke up soon after I became disinterested in sex. I found myself thinking of nothing but women when he and I were having sex, I lost interest in gay porn and surfing the net for thick, juicy cocks. It's as if being with him brought me a greater clarity about my sexuality. But in a way that I did not expect. I don't know what I'd been afraid of all these years. Gay sex is really no big deal, it's just a matter of whether that gets you off or not. And everyone has a right to get off.

I used to be homophobic, until I realized that I was afraid of my own gay side. Once I got the courage to explore that side of me, I found out that it wasn't something to be afraid of.

To anyone who might just now be wondering if they're gay, please don't hesitate to get out there and get laid - find out NOW because life is too short to keep yourself from being happy. Just go for it.

-Benny

The Elusive Deep Post

Not sure what's up lately, but I just don't feel that deep or insightful with my posts anymore. It's funny too because I know there's a lot more topics and personal subjects that I want to talk about, but lately I just don't feel all that inspired to write. I haven't written a fantasy story in a couple months, and I've still managed to let my shyness overwhelm my urge to go out to a gay bar.

Something kinda cool happened in the airport though on my way to the holidays with the family. I was at a pub in the airport terminal waiting for my flight, and there was this pretty obviously gay waiter - he was kinda cute, looked about my age maybe older, and had nice pecs and arms that I could see from under his tight polo shirt. Well the waiter asked the bartender for change, and the guy totally blew him off, saying, "I don't have time for that," and just walked away from him, looking for something to do to look busy. This clearly made the waiter upset, cause he huffed and sighed like he was just fed up with this asshole bartender. I dunno if the bartender is homophobic or what - hell I don't really even know for sure if the waiter is gay, but he did have an effeminate voice and a sweet, tender way about him. The bar wasn't even that packed, so I figured the bartender's excuse was bullshit, and there must be some tension between these two. Though, granted, I was only sitting there for one beer so what the hell do I know?

Anyway, once I paid for my beer I felt bad for the waiter because obviously the bartender's attitude was getting him down. So I took the change over to him and said, "hey, I overheard that guy say he didn't have time to give you change, which is obviously total bullshit, so I thought I'd just give his tip to you, hope that's alright," and I handed him my 100% tip ($5 on a $5 microbrew small-batch beer). His face lit up and he smiled and I was like, "fuck that asshole, don't let him ruin your day." The guy said thanks and took the money.

Not trying to toot my own horn here (see Solo Fellatio lol) but it made me feel good to help someone out no matter how small. It was also fun to flirt a bit and make eye contact with a cute guy. ;)

Who Cares Who Gives The Prayer?!

Man, sure is a lot of stink over Obama's choice to give the invocation at his inauguration. It's a friggin' prayer. I mean, who cares who prays at the stupid ceremony? Sure the guy is a gay-bashing homophobic zealot... but aren't like... ALL CHRISTIANS? I'm sure there's a few out there who aren't, one or two maybe, but finding them might have taken Obama longer than the duration of his presidency!

Certainly, this guy Warren has said some fucked up shit. I'm not denying that. It's Warren that's denying his own inner gay - what could be more obvious? - but he also has a right to his opinion just like you and me. So the guy wants to force his unhappiness on everyone else. So the guy has some antiquated logic. So what? It's just a stupid prayer and besides, last I checked we all have the right to think for ourselves. Including him.

Going batshit crazy and acting like a pack of rabid wolves over the whole thing ain't gonna help either. So just live your life, let goodness come from you and it will come to you. And if some politician has some simple-minded bigot say a prayer - really - WHO CARES?! And if you believe in God, do you really think He's going to ignore your own silent prayer and listen exclusively to this fuck? Gimmie a break. And if you don't believe in God, then who cares who says the prayer?

Talk about making a mountain out of a molehill. Get over it, please?

People’s Preconceived Perceptions

I live in a small city with a large art scene and a huge gay population. So there’s no shortage of gallery openings with gay couples frolicking about, but also these gallery openings are well known to be meat market gold for both straight and queer people alike.

So a straight friend and I hit the openings last night in search of some babes. Most of the women ended up being in the bars that we hit along the way, and one of the galleries in particular was completely empty when we came in.

Being a brisk night, the hostess offered us some hot cider and we set about to small talk.

"Chilly night out tonight, but not too bad… quite nice actually," my friend offered.

"Yes it is," the gallery hostess said, "a beautiful night for couples."

"A very nice night," I managed, cracking up inside, had I just heard this woman mistake us for a gay couple? Aw man, I thought, this is too much!

Right then half a dozen other wanderers crowded into the small gallery. I decided to run with it, and began to intently observe the art, chatting with my friend, "look, this one is only $900, but the frame just doesn’t do it for me."

The hostess was apparently hanging on our every word, and chimed in, "we can customize any frame to your liking."

"Oh of course, thank you," I replied, and we promptly left for another gallery, making our way to a bar up the street. "A beautiful night for couples," I mocked, and we both had a good laugh over that one.

Her assumptions about my friend and I, were they essentially based in homophobia? Did she make a generalization about two men together in the same way she might stereotype some ethnic minority that came in? Was her statement about couples an opportunity to experience the bias of a homophobic world? What would her assumption be if my friend had been a woman? Or even black or Hispanic for that matter? What would her construed reaction be? Would her words reveal the same subtext?

Keith Olberman, True Patriot

I just saw this for the first time last night. It is the most compassionate and rational monologue on the Prop 8 issue that I have ever seen or heard. It is absolutely beautiful, and brought tears to my eyes.

Gay marriage is beyond any doubt an issue of civil rights. I've posted about the subject before, so I won't repeat myself here, but I'd like to offer an observation after reading many of the comments posted on YouTube.

It just confirms my belief that Christians are the most hate filled people of all the world. They claim to follow Jesus Christ, yet they delight in ignoring his most important message: love your enemies. Go back and read your good book, you fools; and try not to overlook the obvious message again as you scour the pages for "proof" that your god hates homosexuals. Realize that you have let your hearts become corrupted by the Great Deceiver, for your paradigm is one of hatred, bile, and poison. By fostering such anger, you have merely become an instrument of Satan. You are the epitome of hypocrisy.

Though I know all about the Christian faith, I don't believe in that dogmatic hogwash anymore. Keeps my heart and mind from becoming clouded with bigotry again.

UPDATE: I don't know what I was thinking, no religious nut bag would even chance upon this blog or this post, unless of course their hypocrisy runs far deeper than I imagined. This did get me thinking though, that most of the world's problems today are caused by religion, either directly or indirectly.

Houston Opportunities: Update

Well, I found the place that's my cover story, a sports bar where women go to pick up men (can you believe it?!). The odds still weren't that great though. Not counting the obvious couples, the ratio was maybe 3:1, men to women. Can't complain though, because those numbers beat my hometown odds by a factor of ten. Now if only I had the ability to be that jackass who hits on every woman in the bar.

Tonight I had the perfect opportunity to come out to my friends that I'm staying with here (though as I've said before, I think it would be wise to have a gay experience first before making such an extraordinary declaration about my lifestyle) when they mentioned their bisexual friend again. I almost said, "I want to meet him." Which would have been just as well to get them off my back, because they were grilling me about meeting a woman.

I do appreciate my friends' concern that I am alone, and I appreciate them wanting to help me figure out what is holding me back from having more confidence with women. But also I wish they would just leave me the fuck alone about it. It always seems like it's the couple, the man and woman, that can't imagine life as single. It's as if to them life isn't worth living if you don't have a spouse. It's really bullshit and I get sick of it. Do people really think they can't be happy until they find "the one?" Or do they just tell themselves that so they won't just up and admit to themselves that they are truly miserable? It's almost like they want to spread the misery, that no man should be allowed to live his own life... that a life led unmarried is one wasted.

In so many ways, I want to just get it over with and have an experience so I can tell these guys what's really going on. I do feel that their concern for me is genuine, but it would just put the whole "meeting a woman" question to rest. I'd just say that I'm not sure a woman is what I want, and that would relinquish me from having to explain my failures with women, save me from having to drudge over all the bullshit sex roles that the heterosexual world places on people. That men have to be the aggressors. That women have to sit and wait to be approached. That men who are in touch with their feelings are probably gay. I'm just so sick of all the stereotypes and the lines drawn. In so many ways I just want to be free of this struggle, and say "fuck you, I like guys too. SO WHAT."

Also, it might get my friend to cool it with the gay jokes, if he knew he was hurting my feelings.

Gay Club Outsider

I wonder if there is discrimination in the gay world against bisexuals. Are they seen as half-assed turncoats who want their cake and eat it too? For some gay people, coming out has meant rejection from their own family, and they may have made huge sacrifices in their lives and suffered persecution, while the bisexual gets to dabble and experiment privately, but can perhaps more easily maintain the outward public appearance of "normalcy".

My basis for this pondering was an interaction I had on IMVU. I was at a gay virtual club flirting with some guys and it came up I was bi. They asked me to leave, saying I wasn't really queer. It was like they were against me still being attracted to women, and for being confused and in the closet. They made it out like I wasn't someone who had paid his dues, that I was just greedily grazing from the sexual banquet, too afraid to commit to the gay lifestyle. It kinda sucked to get kicked out for not being queer enough.

It started me thinking that bisexual men are not allowed to have an authentic sexual identity. They're just confused or curious or experimenting, they're really gay but are just greedy double-dippers, or whatever. I'm kind of getting tired of the way people treat bisexuality, and I haven't even come out yet! I totally agree with orange108 that coming out would be easier if the world wasn't so anti-gay. That's how I feel about having all these permanent bisexual feelings, and how much easier it would be if there was more acceptance.

There's so little general understanding of gayness. You see an effeminate man and think "oh he's gay" - or see a butch woman and say "oh she's a lesbian". They get categorized for their behavior, easily defined and easier to grasp for ignorant people. How do bisexuals act? There doesn't seem to be an easy way to single them out or pinpoint how they act, so do gay men see them as cheaters in a tough homophobic world?

Califirnia Prop 8 Equals Hatred

If the civil rights movement against inequality in the south had been put to vote, we may still have segregated schools, bathrooms, and buildings today. These types of decisions belong in the US Supreme Court where equality and constitutional rights are guaranteed, not in the living rooms of shallow-minded citizens. A vote for granting a certain segment of society (and not another) equal rights is nothing more than a show of hands for bigotry and ignorance.

All arguments against gay marriage are based on fallacy and fear. And I have heard them all. In fact, I used to believe many of them myself, before I grew to accept my very real and undeniable gay side.

For any of you still clinging to this outdated point of view, here are the major talking points debunked one by one:

"Being gay is a choice."
Well, I can tell you that it's not; but even if it was, is it fair to ban a choice that you don't happen to like? That'd be like banning foie gras because most people think it's gross. But to some it is sublime. To each his own, live and let live.

"Marriage is for man and woman only."
No rights for the transgendered, either. Whether through no "fault" of their own or by choice, right?

"Marriage is for making babies."
So then, we should forbid marriage to people who can't physically have children. And when do we force married couples who don't want kids to divorce? After say, five years? And what about elderly couples who met late in life, should they also be banned from marriage because they're too old to have kids? What about the couple who only wanted one or two kids, should they be forced to make more or get divorced? Naturally, men who have had vasectomies should be forced out of their current marriage, and banned from future marriage if you follow this faulty logic to its end point.

"The Bible forbids homosexuality."
For the sake of argument, let's just say the Bible is a legitimate authority on the subject. I would like to point out, however, that homosexuality is not mentioned in the Ten Commandments. Why not ban all those other things first? How come we don't send people to jail who don't honor their parents? Why not imprison people for graven images? Execute them for not remembering the Sabbath. I'm sure some religious nuts would be all for it, but they forget that their god supposedly gave us free will. So convenient to cherry pick your moral code, isn't it?

"It's gross."
Maybe it is, to you. But obviously you never considered that straight sex might be gross to a gay person.

"Children can't be raised properly in a gay household."
I made the same mistake once, where I repeated this ridiculous notion to a friend who, unbeknown to me, had been raised by a loving, committed, healthy lesbian couple. And yes, he is straight, and yes he is now married, and yes - shocker! - he and his wife are expecting. There was nothing about him that fit my own bigoted viewpoint of whether a gay-raised child could have the skills to be "normal" in our society. So much that I never even suspected him of being the product of such an "unholy" union. Boy, did I sure make an ass out of myself.

"Children need both male and female role models."
Okay then, by that rationale, we should take away the children of single parents. No matter if they split up, or maybe just while he's on tour in Iraq; or maybe they got divorced, maybe one of the parents died. Doesn't matter, because that kid is doomed without both parents, so let's go ahead and ban single parenthood while we're at it, and absentee fathers, and working mothers... in fact let's ban fathers working overtime, and why not ban women working altogether for good measure? Keep the women at home barefoot in the kitchen, right? After all, the moral fiber of our society depends on it.

"Gay couples can't love each other as much as straight couples do."
Sounds like YOU are the one who has a problem with love. Sounds like you are searching so hard to find ways that you can categorize and legitimatize types of love in your own head, that you forgot that love conquers all. I know at least one gay couple who love each other more completely and purely than most all the straight couples I've ever met.

"I'm not against gay unions, just call it something else besides marriage."
Separate but equal is the same twisted logic used by Jim Crow and George Wallace to perpetuate segregation in the south. Remember those dark days in our nation's history? Many of the same arguments against gay marriage were used to deny citizens equal rights for generations. Overcoming these prejudices is what makes this country great.

When people manipulate their world view to fit a narrow perspective, justice and equality suffer.

No government has the right to tell its citizens whom to love. The only queer people are those who don't love anybody.
- Rita Mae Brown

The only abnormality is the incapacity to love.
-Anais Nin

Chastity: the most unnatural of the sexual perversions.
- Aldous Huxley

Unknown Missed Opportunity

A long time ago, I think it was 1994, I had just moved to a new town, and I was in a small bar dancing to a rocking local band. Across the stage, there was a really attractive brunette that I was trying to make eye contact with, but she just wasn't looking over my way.

That's when I noticed that a few dudes were crowding the space behind me. At the time I didn't realize they were chicken-hawking me, so I said to one of them that got too close, "wow there's some hot chicks in here, huh."

"Yeah, that's if you like chicks," he replied, and with that they all laughed and made grab-and-thrust fucking motions toward me. Immediately I realized what was going on, and moved away to another part of the bar. They could tell I was flustered and kept laughing and pointing at me, high-fiving each other, obviously psyched that they had gotten-to a straight guy. Being the butt of their joke and the butt of their desires made me feel disrespected, so I left the bar altogether. I wasn't prepared to be hit on by a bunch of obnoxious gay guys, I guess.

A college friend lived in town, she and I were pretty good friends and hung out pretty frequently. We had fooled around in college, but things were strictly platonic now. The next time I saw her, I told her about the incident at the bar. She laughed because it really was funny, and sympathized with my discomfort a bit. She also confided in me that she had always thought I was gay. She was bisexual and claimed to have a pretty accurate gaydar. She said there were other guys in my class year that she had predicted to be gay, that they had indeed come out afterward. She said I was the only one that she was wrong about.

I assured her that I wasn't gay, but in the back of my mind I still knew that I wasn't exactly sure of it. I never told her about any of the urges that I really did have in college, and to this day I don't know if my denials were even convincing to her. Could she really have seen that flicker of gay in me? It made me feel uncomfortable, because at the time I was in such a solid state of denial about my sexuality.

It's a shame, too. Aside from the fact that the guy who said that to me that night looked like Tony Little - CREEPY! - I might have had more fun in that situation. I might have even gotten to get some free drinks, played these guys out a bit, maybe even taken one of them home. Problem was I was too uptight to face my own gayness and just relax and have a bit of fun with it.

It was a lost opportunity and I didn't even know it.

True Confessions: Video Snooper

I once rented a room in this large house with a bunch of guys living there. One day one of them said, "dude, Clint's gay."

"Gay?"

"Yeah man I looked in his room and found some fucking gay pornographic material, dude."

"Huh, I didn't know he was gay," I said nonchalantly. I didn't care if Clint was gay or not, but what first concerned me was my roommate's snooping. If he'd been in Clint's room, he'd certainly been in mine. The second thing that concerned me was that I immediately had an urge to go find the material for myself.

Within a day or two I gave in to my urges to go find the stuff. I hated the idea of sneaking into Clint's room, but this was nearly a full decade before I admitted my sexuality, so I hadn't yet wanted to go as so far as to actually buy gay porn, and this was my chance to check it out for free, without obligation. I couldn't resist.

In his closet I found a few photocopies of twinks shaving their assholes. It was kind of wild and kinky, I said to myself, "I didn't know they did that." But it didn't turn me on. Then I found a VHS cassette that said "Wrestling" on it and went to my room with it. I had gone this far so despite the sickening feelings of confusion, I wasn't going to not look at the video.

It started out just two beefy guys wrestling in a small gym. They were wearing typical wrestling trunks but no tops and soon they were wrangling on the floor. "This is weird shit," I thought, "Clint gets off on this kind of stuff?" Then one of the wrestlers spun around and stuffed his crotch in the other guys face and started humping. The match became more sexual, and turned into a domination contest of stuffing the other's face with their bulges through their shorts. Then they took off their shorts.

I couldn't tell if I was repulsed, repelled, or repressed, but I didn't really like it. I didn't get hard. So I put the video away, and figured I wasn't gay.

Closet Dweller Blues

Wouldn't my life be easier out of the closet? I'd rather keep my personal business to myself, but at the same time all this sneaking around is bullshit. I have to worry about leaving out gay pornos or not closing gay-surfed browser windows, friends come over unannounced and might see the stuff by accident. So that makes me think that at least if they knew, it wouldn't be such a surprise if they saw that my screensaver is a closeup of a big hard cock.

And if I fell in love with a man, I'd have to hide it from my parents or come out. So it might be better to just explain to my mom and dad that my sexuality is open, that I might date a man or a woman, and I am open to all possibilities. Then if I did meet a guy, it wouldn't be a shock to them, and they would have much less chance of misunderstanding. I'm not afraid that they would disown me, just that we are so close that they might be hurt that I didn't tell them earlier, before I brought home a "serious interest" who turned out to be a dude.

My brother pretty much knows already, though I never officially told him my bisexual discovery. Years ago I told him I thought I might be gay, and he said if I didn't know for sure by thirty I was probably bisexual. He even said he kissed a boy in college. I was like, "what was that like?" He said, "pretty much just like kissing a girl."

My best friend probably wouldn't care, he has supported me no matter what I have ever done in my life. We have been friends for 22 years, and he's stuck with me through some fucked up phases in my life. I think he might be a little uncomfortable with it, but he's already primed - his wife's friend's ex-husband just came out as bisexual.

My good friend here in town is the one who thinks people are all gay or not. So he'd probably be OK with me being gay, that's the way he'd have to understand it, I think. Because he wouldn't understand bisexual. So whatever.

The only person in my life that I think would have a really big problem with it is my business partner. He considers me his best friend, and far as I know he's against homosexuality. He was raised religiously, and thinks people can do whatever they want, but also thinks it's wrong. So coming out to him might put a strain on my professional life.

But other than that there's no one I can think of who is really important to me that would really have a serious problem. I have already disowned my most homophobic friends already for other reasons.

So I think I should probably come out, but since I'm only a theoretical bisexual - a virgin - how can I be sure I like gay sex? I like to jerk off to gay porn, and not much man-on-man action "bothers" be anymore. Not sure if I'm desensitized, or just found my inner gay; but I think I should have my first real gay experience to be sure that I don't false-alarm my friends and family.

Gay Friendly TV

I like Bravo TV, they have fairly decent shows. I like Project Runway (Heidi Klum is so friggin hot!), Flipping Out, Million Dollar Listing, in particular. And Kathy Griffin's D-List show is pretty funny, but the other shows I don't pay all that much attention to.

What I like about Bravo most is the gay friendly programming. A lot of the characters are gay, but they don't make a big deal out of it. It's just treated as a normal thing, and it is normal. My point is that most TV shows treat gayness as a joke, like Will & Grace, which is still essentially homophobic. Bravo, on the other hand, does not make gayness the focus of a joke, but treats it as a simple fact of life. Many of the characters who are obviously gay don't make a point of coming out on the show, like Tim Gunn. It's not about their gayness, it's about them, not the fact that they are gay. They are just regular people. That's why I like it.

Another program I've seen that's gay friendly is on MTV. It's a dating show called Next. They have straight, gay, and lesbian versions of the show, but treat each one equally the same, no difference except who is going after who. I think that's cool, that a network like MTV, that caters to young people, treats gay dating as no different than straight dating. Good for them.

Confusion After Buying First Gay Magazine

I don't like to live my life in fear or as an overly suspicious person. That's why conspiracy theories and blind mistrust of authority always bothered me. But I used to have a friend who often made me wonder if he was spying on me. One incident was particularly strange.

About five years ago, long before I connected the dots and came to the obvious conclusion that I am bisexual, I succumbed to an urge to go out and buy a gay porno magazine. I went to a different part of town and picked out a Hastings to shop for my guilty desire. I went in, cased out the magazine rack, grabbed a SWANK, Penthouse, and a Honcho magazine.

I looked around to see if anyone saw. My heart was pounding. My face was flush. My brain was flooded with guilty excitement. I was about to purchase a gay pornographic magazine! What would the clerk think? She thought nothing of course.

Once back home, I almost immediately got a call from my friend. He said something very strange which has been unsettling to this very day. "Don't go gay on me dude."

"What?"


"Don't go gay on me."

"Whatever, dude."

"OK man, I'm just saying, don't go gay on me."

I changed the subject, but still this bothered me to no end. How had he known I just bought a gay magazine? Did he have a trail on me? Happen to have a contact in the store who called him right away? Was he a freaking member of the homophobic psychic network? WHAT THE HELL?! Fuck him, I thought, and jerked off over the magazine anyway. I wasn't going to let this intrusion keep me from fulfilling a fantasy.

That so-called friend ended up stealing from me, and that gave me the courage to dissolve the friendship. I realized that he was a selfish, manipulative, greedy person. A colossal taker. But what he said that day has always bothered me. Are people really that judgmental, jealous, suspicious, or whatever, that they would spy on a friend? Was it just freaky coincidence?

Latent Homophobia

About a year ago when I was exploring my sexuality and first accepting that I was probably bi, I heard about these rumors going around about men who are "on the down low." Supposedly they are outwardly straight men who secretly have sex with each other on the side.

I asked a good friend of mine what he thought about this, in general, and if he had ever heard about it. His answer surprised me. "Dude, I don't care what anyone says, if you sleep with a guy, you are fucking GAY."

At the time, I had already purchased a few gay magazines and pornos, and gay surfed and masturbated to homosexual material quite a few times. By asking him this general question, I was sort of feeling out how he might react if I told him that I was bisexual. He surprised me because of the stark nature of his answer: when it comes to being gay, you either are or you aren't. His answer made me feel like I could never tell him that I was bisexual, because he would just label me as gay, and perhaps feel betrayed, maybe even get defensive and wonder if our friendship was merely based on misguided affections.

It must be terribly difficult for closeted gay men to come out to their friends and family. The fears of being rejected must be very strong, especially for those raised in more conservative families. But in our society, gay men are less misunderstood and more accepted every day, albeit often only in jokes and on comedy sitcoms (Will & Grace). The fact that there are gay people in the world is no longer a secret, at least in America. Americans can understand gayness, on a basic level, and although they may not agree with it or accept it, they know it exists.

Bisexuality in men, on the other hand, seems far more misunderstood in our society. We are perhaps thirty years behind the curve when it comes to our viewpoint of male bisexuality. I think a lot of men, like my friend, are threatened by gayness. So they have to draw a line in the sand, create contrasting definitions between gay and straight, ideology reduced to absolutes, as a defense mechanism. Perhaps they have felt a tinge of gayness, and in an attempt to reject that side of themselves, have repressed their urges to comply with their enforced heterosexuality. It is this artificial pigeonholing of sexuality that I believe keeps many people in the closet from themselves, never able to figure out why they are so unhappy. What they really crave is a homosexual tryst. They are the Larry Craig's of the world. Afraid to face their inner gay.

One of my all time favorite movies is Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon. It's about forbidden love, and the tragedy of not having the courage to shun social mores and give in to true love, to just accept the loving gifts of the universe. The main character, Shu Lien, says, "that which we try to suppress, only becomes stronger." This line was rather profound for me when I first saw the movie, as I was myself struggling with feelings I was trying to suppress. I had not yet figured out that I was bisexual, and was fighting to keep from "becoming" gay. I was confused and paralyzed by a strict mis-perception of sexuality that didn't match the urges I was having inside.

A reality show I like on Bravo TV, called Million Dollar Listing, has a character named Madison who explained his sexuality as "open." That makes a lot of sense to me, it strikes a chord. The fact that he is so comfortably blunt about it really turns me on. Not to mention he is SO friggin hot I can hardly stand it. All the guys on that show are totally hot, but that's besides the point. The point is that sexuality is far more complex than gay or not gay. I hope that one day our society can outgrow its myopic view of sexuality.

Is Using Porn the Same as Cheating?

They say if you love someone set them free. It seems that's easier said than done, as jealousy often prevents us from allowing our girlfriends, boyfriends, husbands and wives true freedom. Instead we want them to be committed to us and only us, we want to believe that their eyes never wander, that all their sexual fantasies involve us alone, and that we can fulfill their every desire. Though I do recognize that monogamy is a choice that most of us make by default, I also think that such strict interpretations of commitment are detrimental to healthy relationships. Honestly.

A friend of mine is married but has probably the world's most wandering eyes. He points out hot women constantly, and his wife is no ugly duckling, but still his eyes wander lustfully. I asked him once, "doesn't Amy get upset with you scoping out other women all the time?"

"Nope." He explained, "she knows who I am and knew what she was getting into when we got married. Besides, my philosophy is that it doesn't matter where you get your appetite, so long as you eat at home." Amy knew that the more looking her husband did, the hornier he got, and the more vigorous fucking she was going to get once they got home. Talk about trust and a higher understanding!

I've heard here and there, read blogs and posts on the internet, about spouses who are worried that their significant other is "cheating" on the internet via porn surfing, flirtatious chat, cybersex, or what have you. Once they find out that he or she really is doing it, the guilty feelings are projected inward and internalized. It becomes the cuckold's fault that the other went looking elsewhere, because they alone weren't good enough for them. I think that this is a trap that many of us fall into: distilling someone else's feelings through our own viewpoint, not able to see that each person is an individual driven by their own needs and desires. To further my point, how many of us make all of our decisions initially based solely on someone else? None perhaps except for a mother and her child. Marriage is a union between two individuals. And individuals, at the most basic level, are always driven by survival and self-preservation. Being considerate of others is a learned behavior, not instinctual.

Monogamy is not necessarily human nature. I have a friend, she is a bisexual single mom, who is a strict polygamist. Not that she lives on an FLDS compound, but that she is honest enough with her lovers and more serious relationships to say to them, "look, I don't believe in monogamy." In other words, she knows that she will need sexual fulfillment outside of any relationship she may have, and has the self-awareness and courage to tell the truth from the get go. I think this kind of honesty is lacking in many relationships, primarily because of social constraints and learned guilt responses that have us terrified of unconventional sexual encounters, whether gay, deviant, extramarital, or all of the above.

How many marriages could be improved with more honesty, trust, openness, and willingness to try to understand someone's perspective not viewed through our own personal kaleidescope of judgment? One of my favorite bloggers, Anginae, is dealing with lots of confusion and guilt since her husband came out to her, and I commend her willingness to try to step outside of herself to analyze the situation. It is probably this rare ability to interpret her husband's feelings detached from her own that has saved their marriage so far. Many others with a shallow understanding might have already filed for divorce!

Spouses who find their significant others "cheating" online might do well to try to put their own feelings aside, take a few steps back, and glean some perspective. If not seen through our own fogged lens of jealousy, we might be able to learn more about our mate, delve deeper into who they really are, offering support and understanding so that they feel completely comfortable telling us that they have been having gay fantasies, or that they want to deflower the babysitter; or how she fantasizes about the gardener fucking her in the dirt behind the bushes. Often times it is the taboo that is the most magnetic, especially for those that are severely repressed. It's a classic vicious cycle.

So many people are unknowingly kept unhappy because they can't express their sexual fantasies out of fear of repulsion, rejection, and reprisal. I believe that to have true honestly, openness and understanding in a relationship, we need to commit to know our significant others on their own terms, through their own eyes and not just ours. As for the "cheating" aspect, how much control you exert over your spouse directly reflects your own level of insecurity. Control amounts to selfishness, as we view our own needs of how we want someone else to be as more important than who that person really is, and limits our ability to love that person for who they really are. How can we truly know them if we fabricate our own mental barriers around them?

Give Me A Passable Tranny

I'd love to have a passable tranny girlfriend. For an in-the-closet bisexual, that'd be an ideal situation. Introduce her to all my homophobic straight friends, kiss her in front of them, all the while only she and I know that she's got a dick under her skirt. Some of my friends might even lust after her if she was pretty enough, now that'd be funny. Poetic justice.

I've heard some supposedly straight guys say they'd sleep with a tranny. So basically they wouldn't kick a dick out of bed, as long as the person attached didn't look like a man. Weird. I have a feeling that's just an extension of the social stigma placed on men against bisexuality. Female bisexuality somehow seems to be more accepted in our society. Again, I think this is just a subconscious form of homophobia.

I've heard countless homophobic guys say something like, "I'm not against gay men, I just think what they do is gross." Yet in the same breath they'll say how hot is is for two women to be together, or that they like girl-on-girl porn. Talk about a double standard! Pass judgment on two men as gross, but then to like the idea of two women together. I would consider that to be a homophobic projection of one's own insecurities. But who am I to judge?! ;)

So give me a hot ass glamorous tranny girlfriend with the curves of a woman, yet she's all man between the legs. Now that's hot.

Gay? The All Or None Myth

Dan Savage, in his August 7th, 2008, syndicated column, Savage Love, "So I Married a Fag Hag" said, "As for 'playing for the other team' ... that can indeed be just a phase — but for women, not men. Men... prefer erotica that plays exclusively to their professed sexual orientation. Which means, of course, that female sexuality is a fluid and male sexuality is a solid."

Though his statement is based on "scientific" research, I wholeheartedly disagree. I would like to know what methods were used in the study that he cited, what the control group was, and how well they designed the experiment to eliminate subjectivity? Were the men asked to personally rate their arousal when shown nude photographs? Or was the data drawn from more objective methods? It seems to me that with the strong social pressure for men to be either straight or gay, few would openly admit arousal when shown a picture of a nude man. In my opinion, to get the most accurate results researchers would need to observe changes in the test subjects' physiology, more deep seated than merely the conscious. I believe that arousal occurs in the subconscious, on a level deeper than that over which we have control.

I have always felt an attraction to both men and women, even before I came out to myself, so the conclusions of the study are simply not in step with my own personal experience. I have strong gay urges sometimes, but have never felt the repulsion to pussy that many gay men have professed. One gay man I know said he never felt an attraction to women on any level, even from when he was a boy. For me, on the other hand, I was always intrigued by women, even from an early age. When I see an attractive woman now, I feel waves of lust, my loins stirred by her curves. I feel magnetized to the delicate skin between her breasts, intoxicated by the thought of her pussy folds cradled by her underwear, hidden and out of sight. To me pussy is a delight. To many gay men, pussy is a disgusting mess.

It is my opinion that we are all a little bit gay, men and women alike. If all social constraints were stripped down, and men weren't afraid of their naturally gay urges, would we have such cut and dry definitions for sexual orientation? I seriously doubt it.

First Glimpse at Gay Mag

When I was a teenager, I used to find porno mags in a 2,200 acre preserve near my house. Its one of those weird things that just kept happening to me. I guess sometimes some of the city people came out to the suburbs with a dirty mag they got in the city, found a private spot in the woods and had their way with the images. I had found a Hustler and a few Penthouses at other times, so when I saw the familiar glossy cover one day I was met with the young teenage hormone thrill and anticipation of getting to see some skin.

This time though, when I picked up the magazine, it was a gay porno mag! Startled, I threw it back on to the ground, half-sickened at what it was, but then felt instantaneously curious about what was in those pages. I tried to drive the urges away by walking away from it, but convinced myself that I'd look at it to see if I was gay, that if I got hard like with the girlie mags, that's how I'd know.

So I went back to the magazine feeling simultaneously too scared to look, too curious not to, but I did and suddenly felt faint. I put the magazine down and left it there, feeling guilty yet relieved that my dick didn't get hard. I did like what I saw in the back of my mind, but I was too afraid to admit it. That would take me another 20 years.

What is bisexuality?

Like most unconventional viewpoints of sexuality, bisexuality is greatly misunderstood by the masses. Even within the porn industry, the presentation of bisexual encounters seems limited and over-simplified.

Nearly all of the bisexual male porn videos I have seen almost always have the same MMF (Male-Male-Female) formula in a variation of the same boring scene. He sucks, he fucks, he gets fucked, and the woman is there almost as an extra in a gay porn video. Not much real variety to be found here.

I have seen double penetration scenes in straight porn where the guys are more careful not to touch each other's balls than to actually get into the action. Straight MMF videos always seem to have this element, where she is the center of attention, and the two men are extra careful not to let each others parts ever touch, as if that were a sure sign of being a homo.

I would like to see some more creative portrayals of bisexuality in porn. Real life scenarios and situations are far more complex and interesting than what bisexual porn puts out. The opportunities for variety in one's sex life are the greatest with bisexuality, why not exploit that fact to make better videos?

Here's a few racy situations I'd like to see: The curious gay couple who brings home a chick from the bar, but she turns out to be a tranny! The husband busted with his gay lover by his wife when she gets home early from a business trip. The hottie who brings home two straight men from the bar, and they explore their previously unknown bi curiosities. Two straight friends that agree to watch porn together, but the one who asked forgot his gay porn was in the DVD player.

UPDATE: Oddly enough, the New York Times published an article about bisexual identity the next day.