Rough Wisker Side Effects

I'd never made out with a man before last week, and to be perfectly honest it really makes me miss kissing a woman. Facial hair kind of grosses me out (especially on a woman!) and the simple fact of the matter is that it's abrasive and it hurts. My lip feels like I've been making out with a friggin' sheet of sandpaper. My lover even said that he shaved before I came over the other night, but still his face was so scratchy that my soft lips got hurt in the process. How to meet a woman who sees the world like a guy (in other words, realistically), but without the scruffy face? I was afraid that this bisexual thing might become a dilemma... but hey, at least I'm getting laid.

Gay Club Outsider

I wonder if there is discrimination in the gay world against bisexuals. Are they seen as half-assed turncoats who want their cake and eat it too? For some gay people, coming out has meant rejection from their own family, and they may have made huge sacrifices in their lives and suffered persecution, while the bisexual gets to dabble and experiment privately, but can perhaps more easily maintain the outward public appearance of "normalcy".

My basis for this pondering was an interaction I had on IMVU. I was at a gay virtual club flirting with some guys and it came up I was bi. They asked me to leave, saying I wasn't really queer. It was like they were against me still being attracted to women, and for being confused and in the closet. They made it out like I wasn't someone who had paid his dues, that I was just greedily grazing from the sexual banquet, too afraid to commit to the gay lifestyle. It kinda sucked to get kicked out for not being queer enough.

It started me thinking that bisexual men are not allowed to have an authentic sexual identity. They're just confused or curious or experimenting, they're really gay but are just greedy double-dippers, or whatever. I'm kind of getting tired of the way people treat bisexuality, and I haven't even come out yet! I totally agree with orange108 that coming out would be easier if the world wasn't so anti-gay. That's how I feel about having all these permanent bisexual feelings, and how much easier it would be if there was more acceptance.

There's so little general understanding of gayness. You see an effeminate man and think "oh he's gay" - or see a butch woman and say "oh she's a lesbian". They get categorized for their behavior, easily defined and easier to grasp for ignorant people. How do bisexuals act? There doesn't seem to be an easy way to single them out or pinpoint how they act, so do gay men see them as cheaters in a tough homophobic world?

A Funny Thing Happened Online

I've noticed before that the more desperate a guy acts around women, the more turned off by him they become. It's a strange dynamic, very similar to a predator/prey relationship. The hunters gather for the kill, and the hunted panic the closer he gets. The successful hunter is the one with the most patience, the one who lays in wait, intentions disguised, then pounces unexpectedly. A successful kill always requires cunning, deception, and skill.

As I've decided to branch out and explore my sexuality, I've been flirting a bit with guys online. Since I'm pretty new at this, I find myself taking the roll of the hunted. Which is fine, because having to always be the aggressor in the heterosexual world can get kind of exhausting. As the prey, you just relax and have them come to you, if you want to be preyed upon, that is.

Being able to sit back, as potential suitors stumble and fall all over themselves, and effortlessly employ selectivity preferences fucking rules. Now I feel the power and privilege that women do as they sit on the throne of sexual dynamics, possible mates paraded in front of them like a carnal banquet, "no, no, no, yes, no, no, no."

It's been a real eye opener to see what men are like when it's clear they are thinking with their dicks, and most notably what my reaction is when they come on so strong, and how similar that reaction is to those that I have gotten from women when desperation has taken control of my brain.

A recent exchange was a prime example of this. A gentleman with nice photos of a thick, juicy cock sent me a few messages saying he liked my profile. After an exchange or two, we started to discuss the possibility of meeting for a tryst. That's when he said, "sounds good, I'm up for anything, I'm free tonight and all this weekend."

Right away I lost interest. "Tonight?!" I thought, "wow, this guy moves fast. Too fast!" And suddenly I felt that deer-in-the-headlights sensation, like I'd been singled out for the kill but like I wasn't ready to be taken. Don't these predators know when to strike and to do it gracefully and subversively? Didn't he know that I was playing the selectivity role and he was supposed to cleverly make it seem like sleeping with him was my idea all along?

Immediately I realized that I was playing that role, that I had become the fickle love interest that had left me so confused with women before. It made me realize that all the women I had pursued but never gotten throughout my life had all acted out of this basic principle of attraction/repulsion. I had come on too strong and extinguished their desire with my advances, and now I was getting a chance to wear the other shoe. To see how a strong advance could diffuse my curiosity in an instant.

Sure seems easier to let the suitors come to me, to pick and choose as I please, rather than to make a fool of myself trying to be the potential mate among the pack of dumb-ass hyenas clambering all over each other, snapping, nipping, yelping, fighting amongst themselves for the tiny scraps of pussy-meat tossed their way.

Califirnia Prop 8 Equals Hatred

If the civil rights movement against inequality in the south had been put to vote, we may still have segregated schools, bathrooms, and buildings today. These types of decisions belong in the US Supreme Court where equality and constitutional rights are guaranteed, not in the living rooms of shallow-minded citizens. A vote for granting a certain segment of society (and not another) equal rights is nothing more than a show of hands for bigotry and ignorance.

All arguments against gay marriage are based on fallacy and fear. And I have heard them all. In fact, I used to believe many of them myself, before I grew to accept my very real and undeniable gay side.

For any of you still clinging to this outdated point of view, here are the major talking points debunked one by one:

"Being gay is a choice."
Well, I can tell you that it's not; but even if it was, is it fair to ban a choice that you don't happen to like? That'd be like banning foie gras because most people think it's gross. But to some it is sublime. To each his own, live and let live.

"Marriage is for man and woman only."
No rights for the transgendered, either. Whether through no "fault" of their own or by choice, right?

"Marriage is for making babies."
So then, we should forbid marriage to people who can't physically have children. And when do we force married couples who don't want kids to divorce? After say, five years? And what about elderly couples who met late in life, should they also be banned from marriage because they're too old to have kids? What about the couple who only wanted one or two kids, should they be forced to make more or get divorced? Naturally, men who have had vasectomies should be forced out of their current marriage, and banned from future marriage if you follow this faulty logic to its end point.

"The Bible forbids homosexuality."
For the sake of argument, let's just say the Bible is a legitimate authority on the subject. I would like to point out, however, that homosexuality is not mentioned in the Ten Commandments. Why not ban all those other things first? How come we don't send people to jail who don't honor their parents? Why not imprison people for graven images? Execute them for not remembering the Sabbath. I'm sure some religious nuts would be all for it, but they forget that their god supposedly gave us free will. So convenient to cherry pick your moral code, isn't it?

"It's gross."
Maybe it is, to you. But obviously you never considered that straight sex might be gross to a gay person.

"Children can't be raised properly in a gay household."
I made the same mistake once, where I repeated this ridiculous notion to a friend who, unbeknown to me, had been raised by a loving, committed, healthy lesbian couple. And yes, he is straight, and yes he is now married, and yes - shocker! - he and his wife are expecting. There was nothing about him that fit my own bigoted viewpoint of whether a gay-raised child could have the skills to be "normal" in our society. So much that I never even suspected him of being the product of such an "unholy" union. Boy, did I sure make an ass out of myself.

"Children need both male and female role models."
Okay then, by that rationale, we should take away the children of single parents. No matter if they split up, or maybe just while he's on tour in Iraq; or maybe they got divorced, maybe one of the parents died. Doesn't matter, because that kid is doomed without both parents, so let's go ahead and ban single parenthood while we're at it, and absentee fathers, and working mothers... in fact let's ban fathers working overtime, and why not ban women working altogether for good measure? Keep the women at home barefoot in the kitchen, right? After all, the moral fiber of our society depends on it.

"Gay couples can't love each other as much as straight couples do."
Sounds like YOU are the one who has a problem with love. Sounds like you are searching so hard to find ways that you can categorize and legitimatize types of love in your own head, that you forgot that love conquers all. I know at least one gay couple who love each other more completely and purely than most all the straight couples I've ever met.

"I'm not against gay unions, just call it something else besides marriage."
Separate but equal is the same twisted logic used by Jim Crow and George Wallace to perpetuate segregation in the south. Remember those dark days in our nation's history? Many of the same arguments against gay marriage were used to deny citizens equal rights for generations. Overcoming these prejudices is what makes this country great.

When people manipulate their world view to fit a narrow perspective, justice and equality suffer.

No government has the right to tell its citizens whom to love. The only queer people are those who don't love anybody.
- Rita Mae Brown

The only abnormality is the incapacity to love.
-Anais Nin

Chastity: the most unnatural of the sexual perversions.
- Aldous Huxley

Unknown Missed Opportunity

A long time ago, I think it was 1994, I had just moved to a new town, and I was in a small bar dancing to a rocking local band. Across the stage, there was a really attractive brunette that I was trying to make eye contact with, but she just wasn't looking over my way.

That's when I noticed that a few dudes were crowding the space behind me. At the time I didn't realize they were chicken-hawking me, so I said to one of them that got too close, "wow there's some hot chicks in here, huh."

"Yeah, that's if you like chicks," he replied, and with that they all laughed and made grab-and-thrust fucking motions toward me. Immediately I realized what was going on, and moved away to another part of the bar. They could tell I was flustered and kept laughing and pointing at me, high-fiving each other, obviously psyched that they had gotten-to a straight guy. Being the butt of their joke and the butt of their desires made me feel disrespected, so I left the bar altogether. I wasn't prepared to be hit on by a bunch of obnoxious gay guys, I guess.

A college friend lived in town, she and I were pretty good friends and hung out pretty frequently. We had fooled around in college, but things were strictly platonic now. The next time I saw her, I told her about the incident at the bar. She laughed because it really was funny, and sympathized with my discomfort a bit. She also confided in me that she had always thought I was gay. She was bisexual and claimed to have a pretty accurate gaydar. She said there were other guys in my class year that she had predicted to be gay, that they had indeed come out afterward. She said I was the only one that she was wrong about.

I assured her that I wasn't gay, but in the back of my mind I still knew that I wasn't exactly sure of it. I never told her about any of the urges that I really did have in college, and to this day I don't know if my denials were even convincing to her. Could she really have seen that flicker of gay in me? It made me feel uncomfortable, because at the time I was in such a solid state of denial about my sexuality.

It's a shame, too. Aside from the fact that the guy who said that to me that night looked like Tony Little - CREEPY! - I might have had more fun in that situation. I might have even gotten to get some free drinks, played these guys out a bit, maybe even taken one of them home. Problem was I was too uptight to face my own gayness and just relax and have a bit of fun with it.

It was a lost opportunity and I didn't even know it.

What is Bisensuality?

Bisensual. This was a word I thought I made up. Since I've not yet had sex with a man, I didn't feel 100% truthful is naming this blog "Bisexual", because I can't yet be sure that that's where this journey is bringing me.

Since I have fantasies about both men and women, that I masturbate to both gay and straight porn depending on my mood, and since the idea of touching a cock (and maybe doing more) arouses me, I thought I'd go with "Bisensual".

But then I did a Google search on the word and was surprised at the primary results, and not only because I thought I had made up the word. According to most of the search results, bisensual means people who are emotionally or romantically (bot not sexually) attracted both men and women. Hello? Sensuality is physical enjoyment, the word itself is based on the root word "sense" which has little to do with emotions and relationships. The five senses enhance those things, not replace them entirely. So this definition is completely off the mark, in my opinion. The second definition in the results at Urban Dictionary make much more sense to me, though readers have not voted it "up" as much, probably because the definition is far too intellectual for the average moron.

I would argue that bisensuality has absolutely nothing to do with romance. Sensuality can be romantic, true, but we humans have five senses, and emotions isn't one of them! Frustrating that so many people can vote "up" on a definition that's so intellectually bankrupt.

Still Confused and Searching

Even after over a year of self-admittance, even after three months of daily posts on this blog, I’m still confused… what am I? Am I just a desperate straight guy with a bi-curiosity? Am I truly bisexual? Am I gay and just hanging on to the hope of finding a woman? What’s going on here?

I’m glad to have memories throughout my life of gay urges to reflect upon. That makes the fact that they have surfaced so strongly easier to face somehow, like it hasn’t all come on all at once and thus been a surprise to me.

If I was less self aware, I might not recognize my path: from lonely desperation to a narcissist who fell in love with his own cock, which led to the association of cock with arousal and fed my gay fantasies. Still feeling attraction to women, I could only assume that I must be bisexual, but am I?

I don't seem to be entirely turned on by gay sex. In some ways it feels more like an intrigue, like an urge to experience it. When I think about just abandoning women and going all gay, I immediately think of all the things about women that, although I may be jealous of and can’t seem to get, I totally love and could never give up. I end up having to admit to myself that my attraction to men is not as complete as to women, that it doesn't consume my whole being, that I don't simply melt with desire like when I see an attractive woman. I don't feel that deep inner spark, it's more of a fleeting yet permanently real fascination.

I’m not sure if this is because I haven't really experienced it completely or what. I’m not yet familiar with the sounds and smells of gay sex, the tastes and touch, the sinewy, hairy, sweaty male pheromones, the sensual stuff that words can't describe, the ethereal side that I long to have with women, yet seem to have so much trouble getting.

What will my first gay experience bring me? Will it be a release? An awakening? Will I feel fulfillment? Guilt? Disgust? Will I realize that women can't give me love or satisfaction any more than a man? Or that men can’t give me what I really want? Or the other way around?

There’s only one way to know, obviously. In many ways I wish women were as available as men so I wouldn’t feel like I had to turn to men out of desperation for women. It would make it a little clearer, since affection has been so scarce for me in the heterosexual world, it makes me wonder if I’m just adapting my sexuality and fantasies just to be able to get some play.

What Is Gay Sex?

It seems the word sex has many meanings. Bill Clinton got caught in the shaded area of the definition, the classic heterosexual male train of thought: sex does not occur unless I fuck her pussy. When Clinton uttered those infamous words, "I did not have sexual relations with that woman," he was providing a window into the male paradigm, one that bases the definition of sex on committing the act of laying the pipe. There's a few problems with this way of thinking about sex, none the least of which being a charge of perjury when under oath.

My now-bisexual lesbian friend who helped me realize I'm bisexual, was telling me about this time she hooked up with one of her lesbian friends for a one night stand. In the telling the story she said, "we had sex" and at that moment I realized -- neither of them has a penis so sex must mean a lot more than penile penetration. She told me about their tryst, and to her, the sex was everything that happened that night. Licking, sucking, grinding, kissing, fingering, fisting... everything. The whole experience was the sex, and since there was no penis or dildo involved, the meaning of the word had little to do with vaginal penetration.

I just read a really hot true story that got me thinking about gay experiences (again) and the meaning of the word sex. In the story, the blog's author, orange108, talks about his "truth or dare" sleep overs with one of his stepbrothers. They started with little touches of each other's dicks, then progressed to jerking and sucking each other off. Although they never had anal sex, in my opinion what they had was gay sex. And I'm jealous.

Sex has many meanings. Considering that not everyone has a penis, or one that gets hard, or one that's big enough to penetrate anything at all, and that they have a right to have sex as much as anyone, the word sex therefore must mean more than penetrating a pussy or ass with one's cock.

True Confessions: Video Snooper

I once rented a room in this large house with a bunch of guys living there. One day one of them said, "dude, Clint's gay."

"Gay?"

"Yeah man I looked in his room and found some fucking gay pornographic material, dude."

"Huh, I didn't know he was gay," I said nonchalantly. I didn't care if Clint was gay or not, but what first concerned me was my roommate's snooping. If he'd been in Clint's room, he'd certainly been in mine. The second thing that concerned me was that I immediately had an urge to go find the material for myself.

Within a day or two I gave in to my urges to go find the stuff. I hated the idea of sneaking into Clint's room, but this was nearly a full decade before I admitted my sexuality, so I hadn't yet wanted to go as so far as to actually buy gay porn, and this was my chance to check it out for free, without obligation. I couldn't resist.

In his closet I found a few photocopies of twinks shaving their assholes. It was kind of wild and kinky, I said to myself, "I didn't know they did that." But it didn't turn me on. Then I found a VHS cassette that said "Wrestling" on it and went to my room with it. I had gone this far so despite the sickening feelings of confusion, I wasn't going to not look at the video.

It started out just two beefy guys wrestling in a small gym. They were wearing typical wrestling trunks but no tops and soon they were wrangling on the floor. "This is weird shit," I thought, "Clint gets off on this kind of stuff?" Then one of the wrestlers spun around and stuffed his crotch in the other guys face and started humping. The match became more sexual, and turned into a domination contest of stuffing the other's face with their bulges through their shorts. Then they took off their shorts.

I couldn't tell if I was repulsed, repelled, or repressed, but I didn't really like it. I didn't get hard. So I put the video away, and figured I wasn't gay.

Closet Dweller Blues

Wouldn't my life be easier out of the closet? I'd rather keep my personal business to myself, but at the same time all this sneaking around is bullshit. I have to worry about leaving out gay pornos or not closing gay-surfed browser windows, friends come over unannounced and might see the stuff by accident. So that makes me think that at least if they knew, it wouldn't be such a surprise if they saw that my screensaver is a closeup of a big hard cock.

And if I fell in love with a man, I'd have to hide it from my parents or come out. So it might be better to just explain to my mom and dad that my sexuality is open, that I might date a man or a woman, and I am open to all possibilities. Then if I did meet a guy, it wouldn't be a shock to them, and they would have much less chance of misunderstanding. I'm not afraid that they would disown me, just that we are so close that they might be hurt that I didn't tell them earlier, before I brought home a "serious interest" who turned out to be a dude.

My brother pretty much knows already, though I never officially told him my bisexual discovery. Years ago I told him I thought I might be gay, and he said if I didn't know for sure by thirty I was probably bisexual. He even said he kissed a boy in college. I was like, "what was that like?" He said, "pretty much just like kissing a girl."

My best friend probably wouldn't care, he has supported me no matter what I have ever done in my life. We have been friends for 22 years, and he's stuck with me through some fucked up phases in my life. I think he might be a little uncomfortable with it, but he's already primed - his wife's friend's ex-husband just came out as bisexual.

My good friend here in town is the one who thinks people are all gay or not. So he'd probably be OK with me being gay, that's the way he'd have to understand it, I think. Because he wouldn't understand bisexual. So whatever.

The only person in my life that I think would have a really big problem with it is my business partner. He considers me his best friend, and far as I know he's against homosexuality. He was raised religiously, and thinks people can do whatever they want, but also thinks it's wrong. So coming out to him might put a strain on my professional life.

But other than that there's no one I can think of who is really important to me that would really have a serious problem. I have already disowned my most homophobic friends already for other reasons.

So I think I should probably come out, but since I'm only a theoretical bisexual - a virgin - how can I be sure I like gay sex? I like to jerk off to gay porn, and not much man-on-man action "bothers" be anymore. Not sure if I'm desensitized, or just found my inner gay; but I think I should have my first real gay experience to be sure that I don't false-alarm my friends and family.

Latent Homophobia

About a year ago when I was exploring my sexuality and first accepting that I was probably bi, I heard about these rumors going around about men who are "on the down low." Supposedly they are outwardly straight men who secretly have sex with each other on the side.

I asked a good friend of mine what he thought about this, in general, and if he had ever heard about it. His answer surprised me. "Dude, I don't care what anyone says, if you sleep with a guy, you are fucking GAY."

At the time, I had already purchased a few gay magazines and pornos, and gay surfed and masturbated to homosexual material quite a few times. By asking him this general question, I was sort of feeling out how he might react if I told him that I was bisexual. He surprised me because of the stark nature of his answer: when it comes to being gay, you either are or you aren't. His answer made me feel like I could never tell him that I was bisexual, because he would just label me as gay, and perhaps feel betrayed, maybe even get defensive and wonder if our friendship was merely based on misguided affections.

It must be terribly difficult for closeted gay men to come out to their friends and family. The fears of being rejected must be very strong, especially for those raised in more conservative families. But in our society, gay men are less misunderstood and more accepted every day, albeit often only in jokes and on comedy sitcoms (Will & Grace). The fact that there are gay people in the world is no longer a secret, at least in America. Americans can understand gayness, on a basic level, and although they may not agree with it or accept it, they know it exists.

Bisexuality in men, on the other hand, seems far more misunderstood in our society. We are perhaps thirty years behind the curve when it comes to our viewpoint of male bisexuality. I think a lot of men, like my friend, are threatened by gayness. So they have to draw a line in the sand, create contrasting definitions between gay and straight, ideology reduced to absolutes, as a defense mechanism. Perhaps they have felt a tinge of gayness, and in an attempt to reject that side of themselves, have repressed their urges to comply with their enforced heterosexuality. It is this artificial pigeonholing of sexuality that I believe keeps many people in the closet from themselves, never able to figure out why they are so unhappy. What they really crave is a homosexual tryst. They are the Larry Craig's of the world. Afraid to face their inner gay.

One of my all time favorite movies is Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon. It's about forbidden love, and the tragedy of not having the courage to shun social mores and give in to true love, to just accept the loving gifts of the universe. The main character, Shu Lien, says, "that which we try to suppress, only becomes stronger." This line was rather profound for me when I first saw the movie, as I was myself struggling with feelings I was trying to suppress. I had not yet figured out that I was bisexual, and was fighting to keep from "becoming" gay. I was confused and paralyzed by a strict mis-perception of sexuality that didn't match the urges I was having inside.

A reality show I like on Bravo TV, called Million Dollar Listing, has a character named Madison who explained his sexuality as "open." That makes a lot of sense to me, it strikes a chord. The fact that he is so comfortably blunt about it really turns me on. Not to mention he is SO friggin hot I can hardly stand it. All the guys on that show are totally hot, but that's besides the point. The point is that sexuality is far more complex than gay or not gay. I hope that one day our society can outgrow its myopic view of sexuality.

Give Me A Passable Tranny

I'd love to have a passable tranny girlfriend. For an in-the-closet bisexual, that'd be an ideal situation. Introduce her to all my homophobic straight friends, kiss her in front of them, all the while only she and I know that she's got a dick under her skirt. Some of my friends might even lust after her if she was pretty enough, now that'd be funny. Poetic justice.

I've heard some supposedly straight guys say they'd sleep with a tranny. So basically they wouldn't kick a dick out of bed, as long as the person attached didn't look like a man. Weird. I have a feeling that's just an extension of the social stigma placed on men against bisexuality. Female bisexuality somehow seems to be more accepted in our society. Again, I think this is just a subconscious form of homophobia.

I've heard countless homophobic guys say something like, "I'm not against gay men, I just think what they do is gross." Yet in the same breath they'll say how hot is is for two women to be together, or that they like girl-on-girl porn. Talk about a double standard! Pass judgment on two men as gross, but then to like the idea of two women together. I would consider that to be a homophobic projection of one's own insecurities. But who am I to judge?! ;)

So give me a hot ass glamorous tranny girlfriend with the curves of a woman, yet she's all man between the legs. Now that's hot.

Gay? The All Or None Myth

Dan Savage, in his August 7th, 2008, syndicated column, Savage Love, "So I Married a Fag Hag" said, "As for 'playing for the other team' ... that can indeed be just a phase — but for women, not men. Men... prefer erotica that plays exclusively to their professed sexual orientation. Which means, of course, that female sexuality is a fluid and male sexuality is a solid."

Though his statement is based on "scientific" research, I wholeheartedly disagree. I would like to know what methods were used in the study that he cited, what the control group was, and how well they designed the experiment to eliminate subjectivity? Were the men asked to personally rate their arousal when shown nude photographs? Or was the data drawn from more objective methods? It seems to me that with the strong social pressure for men to be either straight or gay, few would openly admit arousal when shown a picture of a nude man. In my opinion, to get the most accurate results researchers would need to observe changes in the test subjects' physiology, more deep seated than merely the conscious. I believe that arousal occurs in the subconscious, on a level deeper than that over which we have control.

I have always felt an attraction to both men and women, even before I came out to myself, so the conclusions of the study are simply not in step with my own personal experience. I have strong gay urges sometimes, but have never felt the repulsion to pussy that many gay men have professed. One gay man I know said he never felt an attraction to women on any level, even from when he was a boy. For me, on the other hand, I was always intrigued by women, even from an early age. When I see an attractive woman now, I feel waves of lust, my loins stirred by her curves. I feel magnetized to the delicate skin between her breasts, intoxicated by the thought of her pussy folds cradled by her underwear, hidden and out of sight. To me pussy is a delight. To many gay men, pussy is a disgusting mess.

It is my opinion that we are all a little bit gay, men and women alike. If all social constraints were stripped down, and men weren't afraid of their naturally gay urges, would we have such cut and dry definitions for sexual orientation? I seriously doubt it.

Early Gay Crushes, Barbies, Leotards

When I was five, I had an overwhelming desire to play with Barbies. I can remember one such case where I was with my family at a grown up party, and the all kids had been let loose in the house to play on their own. The boy who lived there had an older sister, and I went to her room to see if her and her friends had any Barbies, and asked if I could play with them, they laughed and said, "boys don't play with Barbies." I never asked to play with Barbies again.

When I was around the same age, I wanted to wear a leotard, like the ones girls wear in gymnastics. So I asked my mom, and she got me a black one with white tights, and a green one with yellow tights. We would make the green and yellow one into a Robin costume with a red belt, yellow cape and yellow ® on the chest. The black leotard was for my own superhero. I can remember even at that young age getting boners in those leotards. I felt ashamed that girls clothes made my little PP hard.

I was a shy and reserved kid, always afraid of sexual curiosity. I chickened out when it came my turn to strip after an older girl and I had made a deal. I couldn't get the courage to make my "two minutes in the closet" a worthwhile event. I was a repressed kid, crippled by my own fears and confusion about intimacy and attraction.

Only a year ago I figured out and admitted to myself that I am bisexual. I wonder how my life would have been different had I the courage to accept my childhood TV crushes on Ponch, BJ McKay, and the Karate Kid. If I had the support of family and community that bisexuality was as beautiful as any part of me, if those feelings weren't repressed for all these years, how would I be different?

I'm still in the closet. I've only told a few people, and one of them I don't even trust anymore. I'm living a virtually celibate life of secret desires and lonely desperation, still too afraid to reach out and act on these indelible urges.

Bisexual Benefits

The best part about being bisexual is that sexual beauty and attraction are everywhere you look. The beach is like a visual feast, everything from abs, pecs, arms, bulges, to legs, tits, ass, and pussy. It’s all fair game, and often times on the beach you can find me in dark sunglasses, sporting a permanent cheese grin with all the views there is to enjoy.

One time at a topless beach, the swelling in my shorts compeled me to just sit down and chill out for a while. I’m sure the ladies and particularly the homophobic straight guys would not appreciate me pitching a tent in my boardshorts right there on the beach. Not to mention the beach patrol.

The down side is that sometimes when you’re with a guy, you wish he was a girl, and vice versa. Also for me bisexuality is a secret, and I could be wrong about this, but I think a lot of my straight friends and my family would freak if I told them I was bi. From my limited experience, only GLBT people seem to understand what it is like to be attracted to the same sex. Straight homophobes just freak out and say, “that repulses me” or “its disgusting” and then they think when you are being friendly, you’re trying to hit on them. It’s a weird, freaky, uptight, mixed up world.

Introduction to Myself

For the longest time in my life, I worried about whether or not I was gay. I went through phases of denial, whether religious, philosophical, or anger turned inward, but I finally realized that it was my mind that was keeping me from sexual happiness. I was stuck in the false notion that someone is either 100% gay or 100% not gay.

A girlfriend I had in the fall of 2000 caught me by surprise when she said she was attracted to women, too. She said that she didn’t mind me looking at other women, because she was looking at them too and wanted to talk about it later. Though our relationship was short, it was very honest and open. We talked about the 100% “gay or not gay” myth, and she asked me point blank what percentage gay I thought I was, and without thinking I said “30 percent.” I was taken back by my answer, and started to feel ashamed, but she assured me that those feeling were perfectly natural. She said that she was more comfortable with the idea of me cheating on her with a man rather than a woman. She freed me to explore a side of me that had been repressed for too long.