I have moved past this blog and my fears - with its help. Writing all this helped me sort out my feelings and explore fantasies in a free and anonymous environment. It served me well, but the time has come to move on.
Patrick and I broke up soon after I became disinterested in sex. I found myself thinking of nothing but women when he and I were having sex, I lost interest in gay porn and surfing the net for thick, juicy cocks. It's as if being with him brought me a greater clarity about my sexuality. But in a way that I did not expect. I don't know what I'd been afraid of all these years. Gay sex is really no big deal, it's just a matter of whether that gets you off or not. And everyone has a right to get off.
I used to be homophobic, until I realized that I was afraid of my own gay side. Once I got the courage to explore that side of me, I found out that it wasn't something to be afraid of.
To anyone who might just now be wondering if they're gay, please don't hesitate to get out there and get laid - find out NOW because life is too short to keep yourself from being happy. Just go for it.
-Benny
Showing posts with label self discovery. Show all posts
Showing posts with label self discovery. Show all posts
Sunday, March 22, 2009
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
Takin' a Break
Been at this blog for six months to the day. I've come a long way to figuring this all out, much in part thanks to this blog. And now I need a break. Don't know when I'll be back, as writing has been hard for me lately. Though I'm still confused and searching, I'm having trouble putting my feelings to words. Don't know if this is "goodbye" but definitely a "later" while I sort out my apathy toward my little blog here.
Monday, January 19, 2009
Confused Over Confusion
I spent practically the whole weekend with Patrick. He had me over for dinner and drinks on Saturday night, we stayed up until 4am. I might as well have stayed the night, because I ended up watching the NFL playoffs with him all day Sunday anyway. We had a really great time. We had sex a couple times too, and in different ways than before. It was actually pretty nice.
Previously I posted that I was feeling kind of bored with the sex, and I brought it up to him on Saturday. I told him that I just don't feel that inspired by sucking cock, and that I was confused about why it takes so much effort for me to cum because a lot of what we do together is really pretty hot. I told him that most of the time we were together I was thinking about women.
I expected him to be crushed, but instead he said something that could not have been more perfect, "well I think that's because you are a true bisexual." He is so patient and understanding it blows me away. And the time we spend together is so affectionate, just cuddling, talking and laughing. It's all romance and passion and sensuality. In a lot of ways, all of that is better than the sex.
I'm kind of tripping out about not feeling all that into sucking his cock. It's not like it's exceptionally big or obnoxious, it's clean and well groomed. I dunno why but it's like it simultaneously turns me on and off. It gets me hard to have him in my mouth, but then I almost immediately lose interest in doing anything with it. Poor guy, it must be driving him nuts. lol
Previously I posted that I was feeling kind of bored with the sex, and I brought it up to him on Saturday. I told him that I just don't feel that inspired by sucking cock, and that I was confused about why it takes so much effort for me to cum because a lot of what we do together is really pretty hot. I told him that most of the time we were together I was thinking about women.
I expected him to be crushed, but instead he said something that could not have been more perfect, "well I think that's because you are a true bisexual." He is so patient and understanding it blows me away. And the time we spend together is so affectionate, just cuddling, talking and laughing. It's all romance and passion and sensuality. In a lot of ways, all of that is better than the sex.
I'm kind of tripping out about not feeling all that into sucking his cock. It's not like it's exceptionally big or obnoxious, it's clean and well groomed. I dunno why but it's like it simultaneously turns me on and off. It gets me hard to have him in my mouth, but then I almost immediately lose interest in doing anything with it. Poor guy, it must be driving him nuts. lol
Sunday, January 18, 2009
Patrick Hates My Crossdressing
I guess he's is not into queens. They turn him off the same way women do. So it stands to reason that he's not so into my crossdressing stuff. He's not into the skirts or dresses, heels or hose. The idea of me wearing my lacy top around his house just turns him off, he says. In a way it's kind of weird because I just want to feel natural around him, and a lot of times I just want to be nude or wear women's clothes because, well, that's what feels natural. It's only about comfort, so I find it pretty interesting that he doesn't want me to wear my girlie shit around him.
Maybe it makes him uncomfortable, I don't know. Maybe he's so gay that anything feminine turns him off on a fundamental level. When I asked him about it, he said that he was attracted to men, not women. He told me about another closeted bisexual lover who also likes that stuff, but that as for himself the women's shit just doesn't do it for him. [Note to self: gotta meet this other guy he's talking about!]
What's really interesting about it for me is the way it illustrates different people's arousal triggers. For him the arousal comes from the sexuality of masculinity. Whereas I think for me the arousal comes, perhaps, from the fantasy of being a woman. The clothes give me the experience of what women get to wear, while I get to role-play their gender and fantasize about having a straight women's sexuality. And get fucked by some handsome and manly guy.
This dynamic that I have with Patrick is really bringing up some deep introspection. What is the basis of my attraction to men? Is it physical or fantasy? A combination of both? Or do I simply have a fascination with being perverted - that I need to continually up the ante to get off? Is this gay experience authentic or is it just my attempts to raise my sexual bet: "I'll call your crossdressing, and raise with a blowjob and fuck in the ass."
I understand how men dressing up in women's clothes could turn off a gay guy. The same way I understood when one of my past girlfriends couldn't stop laughing any time I wore women's clothes. She just thought it was funny, not sexy. I have had girlfriends and lovers who thought it was really hot, though most of the time I've kept very private about my panty thievery, cock ring hobby, heel fetish, and other unmentionables.
Maybe it makes him uncomfortable, I don't know. Maybe he's so gay that anything feminine turns him off on a fundamental level. When I asked him about it, he said that he was attracted to men, not women. He told me about another closeted bisexual lover who also likes that stuff, but that as for himself the women's shit just doesn't do it for him. [Note to self: gotta meet this other guy he's talking about!]
What's really interesting about it for me is the way it illustrates different people's arousal triggers. For him the arousal comes from the sexuality of masculinity. Whereas I think for me the arousal comes, perhaps, from the fantasy of being a woman. The clothes give me the experience of what women get to wear, while I get to role-play their gender and fantasize about having a straight women's sexuality. And get fucked by some handsome and manly guy.
This dynamic that I have with Patrick is really bringing up some deep introspection. What is the basis of my attraction to men? Is it physical or fantasy? A combination of both? Or do I simply have a fascination with being perverted - that I need to continually up the ante to get off? Is this gay experience authentic or is it just my attempts to raise my sexual bet: "I'll call your crossdressing, and raise with a blowjob and fuck in the ass."
I understand how men dressing up in women's clothes could turn off a gay guy. The same way I understood when one of my past girlfriends couldn't stop laughing any time I wore women's clothes. She just thought it was funny, not sexy. I have had girlfriends and lovers who thought it was really hot, though most of the time I've kept very private about my panty thievery, cock ring hobby, heel fetish, and other unmentionables.
Friday, January 16, 2009
Sunday, January 4, 2009
Bad Words Gone Good
Here's a mental exercise, see if you can think of a positive way to use any of these "negative" words in a sentence. It's a good demonstration of how my recent new experience has changed the way I look at myself and the world.
UPDATE: I just realized how stupid and trivial this post looks here. What the hell am I, a perverted high school English teacher giving out homework assignments? So to lessen the effect of such a dumb post, I filled in my own sentences. Apologies to the reader, but must all of my posts be brilliant genius? JUST KIDDING!
Slut - Fucking men makes me feel so good, like a lucky sex-craved slut.
UPDATE: I just realized how stupid and trivial this post looks here. What the hell am I, a perverted high school English teacher giving out homework assignments? So to lessen the effect of such a dumb post, I filled in my own sentences. Apologies to the reader, but must all of my posts be brilliant genius? JUST KIDDING!
Slut - Fucking men makes me feel so good, like a lucky sex-craved slut.
Whore - Only a dirty whore can satisfy my vivacious sexual appetite.
Cunt - She came like a thundercloud after I fisted her cunt for the better part of an hour.
Bitch - My boyfriend acts like such a girlie bitch sometimes, I just love it.
Cocksucker - I am seeing the most fantastic cocksucker I have ever met.
Asshole - He fingered and licked my asshole while I came all over the place.
Bastard - My gay lover has fucked hundreds of gorgeous men, the lucky bastard.
Dick - He sucked my dick like no woman ever has.
Fuck - Who the fuck ever decided this was a bad word?
Faggot - Now that I've made love to a man, I feel much more comfortable acting a little faggoty.
Pervert - My gay lover is so relieved that I, too, am a pervert.
Monday, December 29, 2008
Am I Becoming Less Gay?
I just took this gayness test for the second time last night just for fun. I'm not sure I fully believe the accuracy or the practicality of such a test, but it is kind of entertaining nonetheless. Go check it out if you're interested.
The first time I took it several months ago, it said I was 56% gay. This time, though, it said I am 53% gay. I think I know where the discrepancy came from, it's probably the question about using soap or facial scrub to wash my face. Since the economy tanked, the facial scrub was one of the first things to get eliminated from the budget. So would I be more gay if money was more available? Just goes to show the ridiculousness of this type of test. With only two answers for each question, sometimes neither one seems completely correct.
Regardless, I think it's pretty interesting that I'm scoring right above 50% on this test, which is where I would expect the score to be for a bisexual person. Although this gay test says I'm 36% gay, probably because over half the answers I was like, "huh? How the hell would I know what movies Liza Minelli was in?" Seems to me out of the two tests, the first one makes much more sense, as the questions aren't so obvious which ones are going to increase the gay quotient.
It's actually been a couple of weeks since I even jerked off to gay porn. Lately I've been porn surfing for straight stuff, namely looking for videos of college-age chicks with small tits strip dancing and getting down, letting their fingers do the talking. Also, since my DVD player on my computer friggin' broke (damn am I pissed) I haven't gone and picked out a selection from my gay porno stash. I do have a regular DVD player, but all those pornos have like 15 minutes of ads and previews before it even gets to the menu, whereas my computer just cuts to the chase and picks up the DVD right where you left off, so it gets straight to the goods right away. Worst thing is to wait for the stupid FBI copyright statement and dumb previews about long-defunct 900 numbers while you got your dick in hand, ready to stroke. I just don't have the patience for that. When it's time to whack off - step aside people.
Also I wonder if the six months or so of blogging about this has gotten me more relaxed, or at least less uptight, and therefore less worried about how gay or not gay I am. Getting positive feedback and support from mainly straight guys who fuck men on occasion, and that they don't let labels control their self image, probably has changed my viewpoint a bit, too.
Don't matter though, 'cause I still want to go get some dick and see what that's really like.
The first time I took it several months ago, it said I was 56% gay. This time, though, it said I am 53% gay. I think I know where the discrepancy came from, it's probably the question about using soap or facial scrub to wash my face. Since the economy tanked, the facial scrub was one of the first things to get eliminated from the budget. So would I be more gay if money was more available? Just goes to show the ridiculousness of this type of test. With only two answers for each question, sometimes neither one seems completely correct.
Regardless, I think it's pretty interesting that I'm scoring right above 50% on this test, which is where I would expect the score to be for a bisexual person. Although this gay test says I'm 36% gay, probably because over half the answers I was like, "huh? How the hell would I know what movies Liza Minelli was in?" Seems to me out of the two tests, the first one makes much more sense, as the questions aren't so obvious which ones are going to increase the gay quotient.
It's actually been a couple of weeks since I even jerked off to gay porn. Lately I've been porn surfing for straight stuff, namely looking for videos of college-age chicks with small tits strip dancing and getting down, letting their fingers do the talking. Also, since my DVD player on my computer friggin' broke (damn am I pissed) I haven't gone and picked out a selection from my gay porno stash. I do have a regular DVD player, but all those pornos have like 15 minutes of ads and previews before it even gets to the menu, whereas my computer just cuts to the chase and picks up the DVD right where you left off, so it gets straight to the goods right away. Worst thing is to wait for the stupid FBI copyright statement and dumb previews about long-defunct 900 numbers while you got your dick in hand, ready to stroke. I just don't have the patience for that. When it's time to whack off - step aside people.
Also I wonder if the six months or so of blogging about this has gotten me more relaxed, or at least less uptight, and therefore less worried about how gay or not gay I am. Getting positive feedback and support from mainly straight guys who fuck men on occasion, and that they don't let labels control their self image, probably has changed my viewpoint a bit, too.
Don't matter though, 'cause I still want to go get some dick and see what that's really like.
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
Zodiac Sexuality Epiphany
Just a couple of days ago, I added my zodiac signs to my profile. Before that I didn't know what my Chinese year animal was, and once I saw it things made a lot more sense.
It's the rooster. COCK!
That's how I can be sure I'm bisexual - Libra = balance, rooster = cock. It's so simple, it's profound. lol
It's the rooster. COCK!
That's how I can be sure I'm bisexual - Libra = balance, rooster = cock. It's so simple, it's profound. lol
Sunday, December 21, 2008
100 Things About Me
1. Benny Hamilton is not my real name.
2. I am 39 years old.
3. I love Chopin martinis.
4. I live rich whether I am or not.
5. I love being outdoors.
6. I have been snowboarding for 16 years.
7. I believe I was born this way: a little bit gay.
8. I am tired of judging myself for who I really am.
9. I started this blog to help me overcome my fears.
10. I am usually shy and reserved in crowds.
11. I am an entrepreneur starting my third business.
12. I don't have health or dental insurance.
13. Thirteen is my favorite number.
14. I enjoy the simple things in life.
15. I collect quotes.
16. In my free time I blog, write, compose music, take pictures, do woodworking, leather craft, home repair and nothing at all.
17. I completely renovated my house by myself.
18. I don't like to brag.
19. I am opinionated but respect other's too.
20. I am always up for a good conversation.
21. I get nervous on dates.
22. I hate dating.
23. I go out for a nice juicy steak at least once a week.
24. I dig nerdy TV programs.
25. Cats win me over more than dogs.
26. I don't like it when my cat watches me masturbate.
27. I prefer to be nude.
28. I have struggled to accept that I deserve to be happy.
29. I believe that my life improves with age.
30. I am addicted to negativity and pessimism.
31. I like many different kinds of music.
32. I have taught myself to play drums and piano, but not very well.
33. I can be brutally honest.
34. I long for close, meaningful relationships.
35. I always choose quality over quantity.
36. I prefer to not start sentences with the word "I" - having trouble here.
37. Sometimes I think I'm pretty funny.
38. I try not to take life too seriously.
39. I always avoid absolutes.
40. Irony, sarcasm, and wit are my favorite forms of humor.
41. George Carlin is my favorite comedian.
42. Sometimes I read my unabridged dictionary for fun.
43. I don't really think "pervert" is such a bad word.
44. My sex drive seems like it's always in high gear.
45. I believe the mind is the most powerful erogenous zone.
46. I like to talk about sex.
47. Sometimes I talk too much.
48. When my face is relaxed, I look angry.
49. That helps me play a pretty good poker game.
50. I'm trying to think of 50 more things about me.
51. Golf is my favorite outdoor sport.
52. I want to play golf in the nude.
53. Sometimes I wish I was a woman.
54. I have gender issues.
55. I used to be homophobic.
56. I used to be a Mormon.
57. I used to be brainwashed.
58. I try to beware of the dogmatic now and approach life from the pragmatic.
59. Sometimes I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about.
60. I like to curse and say offensive things.
61. Sometimes I can be a real asshole.
62. I avoid confrontation, and struggle to say what I really need.
63. As I write this, I have a hangover.
64. I don't always treat my body right.
65. I love to party with close friends.
66. When I party, I smoke pot.
67. Sometimes I smoke too much pot.
68. I can't stand musicals.
69. I like good movies and collect them on DVD.
70. I don't think I'll get a flatscreen TV anytime soon.
71. I'm addicted to buying power tools.
72. Procrastination plagues me.
73. I'm tempted to shred all my credit cards.
74. I've never left a debt unpaid.
75. I believe integrity is the most important quality to have in a person.
76. I'm glad only 25% of this list is left.
77. In my life, I am finally breaking out of my shell.
78. I like to learn new things.
79. I am at a turning point in my life for greater things.
80. I have done a lot of soul searching.
81. Sometimes sappy movies make me cry.
82. I've added more positive words to my everyday vocabulary.
83. I think it's working by bringing me affirmative coincidences.
84. I believe the word "God" includes all religion's gods and everything else in the whole universe.
85. I see beauty everywhere.
86. I am a "visual" person, I see and remember in photographic terms.
87. I like to watch the action during sex.
88. I prefer long sessions of foreplay before sex.
89. I take very short showers.
90. Sometimes I think I'm too skinny.
91. I'll probably go masturbate when I finish this list.
92. I love gay porn.
93. I am so glad I started this blog.
94. I'm going to keep my sexuality mostly to myself for now.
95. I know now more of what makes me happy.
96. Coming out to myself has been a big relief.
97. I wish I had accepted this side of me earlier.
98. I have a lot of good qualities to offer a partner.
99. I'm going to get laid tonight.
100. I hope my 100 things about me wasn't boring.
2. I am 39 years old.
3. I love Chopin martinis.
4. I live rich whether I am or not.
5. I love being outdoors.
6. I have been snowboarding for 16 years.
7. I believe I was born this way: a little bit gay.
8. I am tired of judging myself for who I really am.
9. I started this blog to help me overcome my fears.
10. I am usually shy and reserved in crowds.
11. I am an entrepreneur starting my third business.
12. I don't have health or dental insurance.
13. Thirteen is my favorite number.
14. I enjoy the simple things in life.
15. I collect quotes.
16. In my free time I blog, write, compose music, take pictures, do woodworking, leather craft, home repair and nothing at all.
17. I completely renovated my house by myself.
18. I don't like to brag.
19. I am opinionated but respect other's too.
20. I am always up for a good conversation.
21. I get nervous on dates.
22. I hate dating.
23. I go out for a nice juicy steak at least once a week.
24. I dig nerdy TV programs.
25. Cats win me over more than dogs.
26. I don't like it when my cat watches me masturbate.
27. I prefer to be nude.
28. I have struggled to accept that I deserve to be happy.
29. I believe that my life improves with age.
30. I am addicted to negativity and pessimism.
31. I like many different kinds of music.
32. I have taught myself to play drums and piano, but not very well.
33. I can be brutally honest.
34. I long for close, meaningful relationships.
35. I always choose quality over quantity.
36. I prefer to not start sentences with the word "I" - having trouble here.
37. Sometimes I think I'm pretty funny.
38. I try not to take life too seriously.
39. I always avoid absolutes.
40. Irony, sarcasm, and wit are my favorite forms of humor.
41. George Carlin is my favorite comedian.
42. Sometimes I read my unabridged dictionary for fun.
43. I don't really think "pervert" is such a bad word.
44. My sex drive seems like it's always in high gear.
45. I believe the mind is the most powerful erogenous zone.
46. I like to talk about sex.
47. Sometimes I talk too much.
48. When my face is relaxed, I look angry.
49. That helps me play a pretty good poker game.
50. I'm trying to think of 50 more things about me.
51. Golf is my favorite outdoor sport.
52. I want to play golf in the nude.
53. Sometimes I wish I was a woman.
54. I have gender issues.
55. I used to be homophobic.
56. I used to be a Mormon.
57. I used to be brainwashed.
58. I try to beware of the dogmatic now and approach life from the pragmatic.
59. Sometimes I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about.
60. I like to curse and say offensive things.
61. Sometimes I can be a real asshole.
62. I avoid confrontation, and struggle to say what I really need.
63. As I write this, I have a hangover.
64. I don't always treat my body right.
65. I love to party with close friends.
66. When I party, I smoke pot.
67. Sometimes I smoke too much pot.
68. I can't stand musicals.
69. I like good movies and collect them on DVD.
70. I don't think I'll get a flatscreen TV anytime soon.
71. I'm addicted to buying power tools.
72. Procrastination plagues me.
73. I'm tempted to shred all my credit cards.
74. I've never left a debt unpaid.
75. I believe integrity is the most important quality to have in a person.
76. I'm glad only 25% of this list is left.
77. In my life, I am finally breaking out of my shell.
78. I like to learn new things.
79. I am at a turning point in my life for greater things.
80. I have done a lot of soul searching.
81. Sometimes sappy movies make me cry.
82. I've added more positive words to my everyday vocabulary.
83. I think it's working by bringing me affirmative coincidences.
84. I believe the word "God" includes all religion's gods and everything else in the whole universe.
85. I see beauty everywhere.
86. I am a "visual" person, I see and remember in photographic terms.
87. I like to watch the action during sex.
88. I prefer long sessions of foreplay before sex.
89. I take very short showers.
90. Sometimes I think I'm too skinny.
91. I'll probably go masturbate when I finish this list.
92. I love gay porn.
93. I am so glad I started this blog.
94. I'm going to keep my sexuality mostly to myself for now.
95. I know now more of what makes me happy.
96. Coming out to myself has been a big relief.
97. I wish I had accepted this side of me earlier.
98. I have a lot of good qualities to offer a partner.
99. I'm going to get laid tonight.
100. I hope my 100 things about me wasn't boring.
Friday, December 19, 2008
Opulent Opportunities
Whenever I get back to my quaint little hometown after visiting a big city, always the first thing that comes to mind is, "man, this is fucking sweet!" After all, people from all over the world come to vacation in the city in which I live, so it can't be all that bad, right?
I returned about two weeks ago from my disappointing trip to Houston. Since then I have seen more women in this town than ever before. And the strangest part is that I catch them looking at me with my newly honed observation skills, thanks to my fellow bisexual blogger, Brad. I'm not sure what to think - are there more women? Have mine eyes seen the glory? Were they looking before and I didn't know how to observe? Has this blog helped me find a newfound confidence that exudes from my personality? I'm not sure what it is, but something has changed.
Examples: I got a huge sparkling smile from a new coffee shop girl - am I dreaming? I felt a spark of interest from a tiny Japanese woman who's now the hostess at my most frequented breakfast dive. I busted the most beautiful woman I've ever seen in this town checking me out where she tends bar - and twice in five minutes. I made the shooter girl at the bar blush when I asked her name. And most recently ran into an old friend at the ski mountain who was there with an office colleague - she was totally hot - and when I asked them to join me for a drink, my eyes met hers and it felt like a lightning storm. I played it cool but later my friend, who's happily married, said, "dude she likes you."
I returned about two weeks ago from my disappointing trip to Houston. Since then I have seen more women in this town than ever before. And the strangest part is that I catch them looking at me with my newly honed observation skills, thanks to my fellow bisexual blogger, Brad. I'm not sure what to think - are there more women? Have mine eyes seen the glory? Were they looking before and I didn't know how to observe? Has this blog helped me find a newfound confidence that exudes from my personality? I'm not sure what it is, but something has changed.
Examples: I got a huge sparkling smile from a new coffee shop girl - am I dreaming? I felt a spark of interest from a tiny Japanese woman who's now the hostess at my most frequented breakfast dive. I busted the most beautiful woman I've ever seen in this town checking me out where she tends bar - and twice in five minutes. I made the shooter girl at the bar blush when I asked her name. And most recently ran into an old friend at the ski mountain who was there with an office colleague - she was totally hot - and when I asked them to join me for a drink, my eyes met hers and it felt like a lightning storm. I played it cool but later my friend, who's happily married, said, "dude she likes you."
Monday, December 8, 2008
Pubic Hair Repulsion Explained
I once dated a redhead woman for about three weeks. It didn't last longer than that because we were so totally honest with each other. After only getting to know each other for that long, we had already figured out that we were both looking for something different than what the other had to offer.
On the first night that we got naked together, she saw that I was shaved and wanted to sit on me naked. Not to fuck me necessarily, but she wanted to feel my smoothness on her pussy. A few minutes into our bare grinding, I asked her if she would let me shave her pussy. She said "no way" without a second thought.
"I'm a natural girl" she said, and pointed out her hairy hippy legs and armpits, as if I hadn't noticed them already.
Later that night as we made our way to the bed, our make out session got a little more heated, and soon I was eating her hairy pussy. Yes, she did have the fire down below in case you're wondering. Her cunt hair was as red as an Arizona sunset.
Much to my chagrin though, one of her extra long, never-shaved pussy hairs got stuck in my throat. Now this has happened to me before, and it always disgusted me, but always before I was able to flush the unruly entanglement out with a gargle. Not this time. In fact, that rogue cunt hair was lodged in my throat for a solid two weeks, even after we had broken up. Every day I tried to get it to wash down: big forceful gulps of water, drinking thicker liquids like orange juice, swallowing chunks of Jello, etc. I went out to eat and ordered the half pound burger, the T-bone steak, the ribeye, ANYTHING heavy enough to dislodge the pubis from my throat. Nothing worked.
Finally after two weeks it went away -- I must have digested it in-situ, because nothing was going to tame that entanglement.
At that moment I vowed to never eat an untrimmed pussy again. GROSS!!!!
On the first night that we got naked together, she saw that I was shaved and wanted to sit on me naked. Not to fuck me necessarily, but she wanted to feel my smoothness on her pussy. A few minutes into our bare grinding, I asked her if she would let me shave her pussy. She said "no way" without a second thought.
"I'm a natural girl" she said, and pointed out her hairy hippy legs and armpits, as if I hadn't noticed them already.
Later that night as we made our way to the bed, our make out session got a little more heated, and soon I was eating her hairy pussy. Yes, she did have the fire down below in case you're wondering. Her cunt hair was as red as an Arizona sunset.
Much to my chagrin though, one of her extra long, never-shaved pussy hairs got stuck in my throat. Now this has happened to me before, and it always disgusted me, but always before I was able to flush the unruly entanglement out with a gargle. Not this time. In fact, that rogue cunt hair was lodged in my throat for a solid two weeks, even after we had broken up. Every day I tried to get it to wash down: big forceful gulps of water, drinking thicker liquids like orange juice, swallowing chunks of Jello, etc. I went out to eat and ordered the half pound burger, the T-bone steak, the ribeye, ANYTHING heavy enough to dislodge the pubis from my throat. Nothing worked.
Finally after two weeks it went away -- I must have digested it in-situ, because nothing was going to tame that entanglement.
At that moment I vowed to never eat an untrimmed pussy again. GROSS!!!!
Saturday, November 29, 2008
Urges Surface With Opportunity
I hadn't expected to be an absentee blogger for this whole week, but it turned out that way. I've felt largely uninspired by Houston so far. The job I'm checking out hasn't been what I hoped for. And the pollution has been really getting to me. Not only that, I miss home.
Despite my lack of motivation to blog or anything else this week - aside from my rant about kids brought on by holiday overload - I did feel a tinge of excitement as I googled "houston gay bars" yesterday, and have been looking for the opportunity to get away. Since my friend and his wife don't know I'm bisexual, I also need to find a good cover story, or at least a typical straight bar to say that I went to. But I don't want to go to a typical straight bar. This is about experiencing something new.
So my Google search turned up some encouraging results. Of course there's tons of choices, one is even a leather bar (oh how I wish I had brought my gear!). There are quite a few dance clubs, but one in particular looks to be just my type of place: I like a quiet, mellow, dimly lit bar. When I go out I don't usually want a lot of frantic action or flashy fanfare. I just want a nice classy place to chill out, sip a few martinis, and relax. No techno-throb or DJ's, nothing flamboyant or over the top. Just cool.
Also I really need to see if going to a gay bar lives up to my expectations. I expect that I will get hit on, that I will be approached, which would work perfectly for me because I'm shy and not too good at breaking the ice. As I've bitched about before, what sucks about being a hetero guy is that you have to make all the moves. It's a rare case in a thousand where the woman makes the advance. Most of the times guys have to belly up to the bar and put something out there, because if she's available she's probably just sitting at the bar waiting for someone to have the courage to make an advance. Why she doesn't have the courage to make an advance herself is beyond the point. The point is I want to be the one who gets to sit at the bar sipping my drink while suitors scramble to approach me.
I may well be too vain in assuming that anyone - male or female - would be interested in approaching me, and I may be setting myself up for even more despair if my plan fails, in the event that I am unable to attract any interest at all. But I'm willing to give it a try. Because the rejection I've faced in the heterosexual world would turn anyone's heart to stone.
Despite my lack of motivation to blog or anything else this week - aside from my rant about kids brought on by holiday overload - I did feel a tinge of excitement as I googled "houston gay bars" yesterday, and have been looking for the opportunity to get away. Since my friend and his wife don't know I'm bisexual, I also need to find a good cover story, or at least a typical straight bar to say that I went to. But I don't want to go to a typical straight bar. This is about experiencing something new.
So my Google search turned up some encouraging results. Of course there's tons of choices, one is even a leather bar (oh how I wish I had brought my gear!). There are quite a few dance clubs, but one in particular looks to be just my type of place: I like a quiet, mellow, dimly lit bar. When I go out I don't usually want a lot of frantic action or flashy fanfare. I just want a nice classy place to chill out, sip a few martinis, and relax. No techno-throb or DJ's, nothing flamboyant or over the top. Just cool.
Also I really need to see if going to a gay bar lives up to my expectations. I expect that I will get hit on, that I will be approached, which would work perfectly for me because I'm shy and not too good at breaking the ice. As I've bitched about before, what sucks about being a hetero guy is that you have to make all the moves. It's a rare case in a thousand where the woman makes the advance. Most of the times guys have to belly up to the bar and put something out there, because if she's available she's probably just sitting at the bar waiting for someone to have the courage to make an advance. Why she doesn't have the courage to make an advance herself is beyond the point. The point is I want to be the one who gets to sit at the bar sipping my drink while suitors scramble to approach me.
I may well be too vain in assuming that anyone - male or female - would be interested in approaching me, and I may be setting myself up for even more despair if my plan fails, in the event that I am unable to attract any interest at all. But I'm willing to give it a try. Because the rejection I've faced in the heterosexual world would turn anyone's heart to stone.
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
A Funny Thing Happened Online
I've noticed before that the more desperate a guy acts around women, the more turned off by him they become. It's a strange dynamic, very similar to a predator/prey relationship. The hunters gather for the kill, and the hunted panic the closer he gets. The successful hunter is the one with the most patience, the one who lays in wait, intentions disguised, then pounces unexpectedly. A successful kill always requires cunning, deception, and skill.
As I've decided to branch out and explore my sexuality, I've been flirting a bit with guys online. Since I'm pretty new at this, I find myself taking the roll of the hunted. Which is fine, because having to always be the aggressor in the heterosexual world can get kind of exhausting. As the prey, you just relax and have them come to you, if you want to be preyed upon, that is.
Being able to sit back, as potential suitors stumble and fall all over themselves, and effortlessly employ selectivity preferences fucking rules. Now I feel the power and privilege that women do as they sit on the throne of sexual dynamics, possible mates paraded in front of them like a carnal banquet, "no, no, no, yes, no, no, no."
It's been a real eye opener to see what men are like when it's clear they are thinking with their dicks, and most notably what my reaction is when they come on so strong, and how similar that reaction is to those that I have gotten from women when desperation has taken control of my brain.
A recent exchange was a prime example of this. A gentleman with nice photos of a thick, juicy cock sent me a few messages saying he liked my profile. After an exchange or two, we started to discuss the possibility of meeting for a tryst. That's when he said, "sounds good, I'm up for anything, I'm free tonight and all this weekend."
Right away I lost interest. "Tonight?!" I thought, "wow, this guy moves fast. Too fast!" And suddenly I felt that deer-in-the-headlights sensation, like I'd been singled out for the kill but like I wasn't ready to be taken. Don't these predators know when to strike and to do it gracefully and subversively? Didn't he know that I was playing the selectivity role and he was supposed to cleverly make it seem like sleeping with him was my idea all along?
Immediately I realized that I was playing that role, that I had become the fickle love interest that had left me so confused with women before. It made me realize that all the women I had pursued but never gotten throughout my life had all acted out of this basic principle of attraction/repulsion. I had come on too strong and extinguished their desire with my advances, and now I was getting a chance to wear the other shoe. To see how a strong advance could diffuse my curiosity in an instant.
Sure seems easier to let the suitors come to me, to pick and choose as I please, rather than to make a fool of myself trying to be the potential mate among the pack of dumb-ass hyenas clambering all over each other, snapping, nipping, yelping, fighting amongst themselves for the tiny scraps of pussy-meat tossed their way.
As I've decided to branch out and explore my sexuality, I've been flirting a bit with guys online. Since I'm pretty new at this, I find myself taking the roll of the hunted. Which is fine, because having to always be the aggressor in the heterosexual world can get kind of exhausting. As the prey, you just relax and have them come to you, if you want to be preyed upon, that is.
Being able to sit back, as potential suitors stumble and fall all over themselves, and effortlessly employ selectivity preferences fucking rules. Now I feel the power and privilege that women do as they sit on the throne of sexual dynamics, possible mates paraded in front of them like a carnal banquet, "no, no, no, yes, no, no, no."
It's been a real eye opener to see what men are like when it's clear they are thinking with their dicks, and most notably what my reaction is when they come on so strong, and how similar that reaction is to those that I have gotten from women when desperation has taken control of my brain.
A recent exchange was a prime example of this. A gentleman with nice photos of a thick, juicy cock sent me a few messages saying he liked my profile. After an exchange or two, we started to discuss the possibility of meeting for a tryst. That's when he said, "sounds good, I'm up for anything, I'm free tonight and all this weekend."
Right away I lost interest. "Tonight?!" I thought, "wow, this guy moves fast. Too fast!" And suddenly I felt that deer-in-the-headlights sensation, like I'd been singled out for the kill but like I wasn't ready to be taken. Don't these predators know when to strike and to do it gracefully and subversively? Didn't he know that I was playing the selectivity role and he was supposed to cleverly make it seem like sleeping with him was my idea all along?
Immediately I realized that I was playing that role, that I had become the fickle love interest that had left me so confused with women before. It made me realize that all the women I had pursued but never gotten throughout my life had all acted out of this basic principle of attraction/repulsion. I had come on too strong and extinguished their desire with my advances, and now I was getting a chance to wear the other shoe. To see how a strong advance could diffuse my curiosity in an instant.
Sure seems easier to let the suitors come to me, to pick and choose as I please, rather than to make a fool of myself trying to be the potential mate among the pack of dumb-ass hyenas clambering all over each other, snapping, nipping, yelping, fighting amongst themselves for the tiny scraps of pussy-meat tossed their way.
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
Califirnia Prop 8 Equals Hatred
If the civil rights movement against inequality in the south had been put to vote, we may still have segregated schools, bathrooms, and buildings today. These types of decisions belong in the US Supreme Court where equality and constitutional rights are guaranteed, not in the living rooms of shallow-minded citizens. A vote for granting a certain segment of society (and not another) equal rights is nothing more than a show of hands for bigotry and ignorance.
All arguments against gay marriage are based on fallacy and fear. And I have heard them all. In fact, I used to believe many of them myself, before I grew to accept my very real and undeniable gay side.
For any of you still clinging to this outdated point of view, here are the major talking points debunked one by one:
"Being gay is a choice."
Well, I can tell you that it's not; but even if it was, is it fair to ban a choice that you don't happen to like? That'd be like banning foie gras because most people think it's gross. But to some it is sublime. To each his own, live and let live.
"Marriage is for man and woman only."
No rights for the transgendered, either. Whether through no "fault" of their own or by choice, right?
"Marriage is for making babies."
So then, we should forbid marriage to people who can't physically have children. And when do we force married couples who don't want kids to divorce? After say, five years? And what about elderly couples who met late in life, should they also be banned from marriage because they're too old to have kids? What about the couple who only wanted one or two kids, should they be forced to make more or get divorced? Naturally, men who have had vasectomies should be forced out of their current marriage, and banned from future marriage if you follow this faulty logic to its end point.
"The Bible forbids homosexuality."
For the sake of argument, let's just say the Bible is a legitimate authority on the subject. I would like to point out, however, that homosexuality is not mentioned in the Ten Commandments. Why not ban all those other things first? How come we don't send people to jail who don't honor their parents? Why not imprison people for graven images? Execute them for not remembering the Sabbath. I'm sure some religious nuts would be all for it, but they forget that their god supposedly gave us free will. So convenient to cherry pick your moral code, isn't it?
"It's gross."
Maybe it is, to you. But obviously you never considered that straight sex might be gross to a gay person.
"Children can't be raised properly in a gay household."
I made the same mistake once, where I repeated this ridiculous notion to a friend who, unbeknown to me, had been raised by a loving, committed, healthy lesbian couple. And yes, he is straight, and yes he is now married, and yes - shocker! - he and his wife are expecting. There was nothing about him that fit my own bigoted viewpoint of whether a gay-raised child could have the skills to be "normal" in our society. So much that I never even suspected him of being the product of such an "unholy" union. Boy, did I sure make an ass out of myself.
"Children need both male and female role models."
Okay then, by that rationale, we should take away the children of single parents. No matter if they split up, or maybe just while he's on tour in Iraq; or maybe they got divorced, maybe one of the parents died. Doesn't matter, because that kid is doomed without both parents, so let's go ahead and ban single parenthood while we're at it, and absentee fathers, and working mothers... in fact let's ban fathers working overtime, and why not ban women working altogether for good measure? Keep the women at home barefoot in the kitchen, right? After all, the moral fiber of our society depends on it.
"Gay couples can't love each other as much as straight couples do."
Sounds like YOU are the one who has a problem with love. Sounds like you are searching so hard to find ways that you can categorize and legitimatize types of love in your own head, that you forgot that love conquers all. I know at least one gay couple who love each other more completely and purely than most all the straight couples I've ever met.
"I'm not against gay unions, just call it something else besides marriage."
Separate but equal is the same twisted logic used by Jim Crow and George Wallace to perpetuate segregation in the south. Remember those dark days in our nation's history? Many of the same arguments against gay marriage were used to deny citizens equal rights for generations. Overcoming these prejudices is what makes this country great.
When people manipulate their world view to fit a narrow perspective, justice and equality suffer.
All arguments against gay marriage are based on fallacy and fear. And I have heard them all. In fact, I used to believe many of them myself, before I grew to accept my very real and undeniable gay side.
For any of you still clinging to this outdated point of view, here are the major talking points debunked one by one:
"Being gay is a choice."
Well, I can tell you that it's not; but even if it was, is it fair to ban a choice that you don't happen to like? That'd be like banning foie gras because most people think it's gross. But to some it is sublime. To each his own, live and let live.
"Marriage is for man and woman only."
No rights for the transgendered, either. Whether through no "fault" of their own or by choice, right?
"Marriage is for making babies."
So then, we should forbid marriage to people who can't physically have children. And when do we force married couples who don't want kids to divorce? After say, five years? And what about elderly couples who met late in life, should they also be banned from marriage because they're too old to have kids? What about the couple who only wanted one or two kids, should they be forced to make more or get divorced? Naturally, men who have had vasectomies should be forced out of their current marriage, and banned from future marriage if you follow this faulty logic to its end point.
"The Bible forbids homosexuality."
For the sake of argument, let's just say the Bible is a legitimate authority on the subject. I would like to point out, however, that homosexuality is not mentioned in the Ten Commandments. Why not ban all those other things first? How come we don't send people to jail who don't honor their parents? Why not imprison people for graven images? Execute them for not remembering the Sabbath. I'm sure some religious nuts would be all for it, but they forget that their god supposedly gave us free will. So convenient to cherry pick your moral code, isn't it?
"It's gross."
Maybe it is, to you. But obviously you never considered that straight sex might be gross to a gay person.
"Children can't be raised properly in a gay household."
I made the same mistake once, where I repeated this ridiculous notion to a friend who, unbeknown to me, had been raised by a loving, committed, healthy lesbian couple. And yes, he is straight, and yes he is now married, and yes - shocker! - he and his wife are expecting. There was nothing about him that fit my own bigoted viewpoint of whether a gay-raised child could have the skills to be "normal" in our society. So much that I never even suspected him of being the product of such an "unholy" union. Boy, did I sure make an ass out of myself.
"Children need both male and female role models."
Okay then, by that rationale, we should take away the children of single parents. No matter if they split up, or maybe just while he's on tour in Iraq; or maybe they got divorced, maybe one of the parents died. Doesn't matter, because that kid is doomed without both parents, so let's go ahead and ban single parenthood while we're at it, and absentee fathers, and working mothers... in fact let's ban fathers working overtime, and why not ban women working altogether for good measure? Keep the women at home barefoot in the kitchen, right? After all, the moral fiber of our society depends on it.
"Gay couples can't love each other as much as straight couples do."
Sounds like YOU are the one who has a problem with love. Sounds like you are searching so hard to find ways that you can categorize and legitimatize types of love in your own head, that you forgot that love conquers all. I know at least one gay couple who love each other more completely and purely than most all the straight couples I've ever met.
"I'm not against gay unions, just call it something else besides marriage."
Separate but equal is the same twisted logic used by Jim Crow and George Wallace to perpetuate segregation in the south. Remember those dark days in our nation's history? Many of the same arguments against gay marriage were used to deny citizens equal rights for generations. Overcoming these prejudices is what makes this country great.
When people manipulate their world view to fit a narrow perspective, justice and equality suffer.
No government has the right to tell its citizens whom to love. The only queer people are those who don't love anybody.
- Rita Mae Brown
The only abnormality is the incapacity to love.
-Anais Nin
Chastity: the most unnatural of the sexual perversions.
- Aldous Huxley
- Rita Mae Brown
The only abnormality is the incapacity to love.
-Anais Nin
Chastity: the most unnatural of the sexual perversions.
- Aldous Huxley
Monday, November 10, 2008
Thoughts On Coming Out
I was at a dinner party last night with good friends, most notably my homophobic friend. His mom was the hostess, and among her best group of friends there is a gay couple. They were there, and know me well. They are accepted in this group, but still are made fun of a little bit. Come to think of it everyone is made fun of a little bit - it's a fun group that likes kidding around.
Anyway I was thinking that it would be a great situation to come out to everyone, with that couple there as support. Like I've said I want to have a gay experience to be sure first. It wouldn't be polite or appropriate to announce, "hey everyone I like to masturbate to both straight and gay porn!" So I must be sure before taking such a drastic step.
Coming out might end up happening by accident. The other day another friend came over and later I noticed that my "Leather Half Off" DVD was in a slightly hidden spot in my office, and he could have easily seen it. A few times ago he was over and I left out "Bang That Teen Pussy v.10" and he saw that and commented on it. The lines between gay, bisexual, and straight porn are starting to become so blurred in my mind, it's hard to remember that most people are pretty uptight about it. I know I used to be.
Anyway I was thinking that it would be a great situation to come out to everyone, with that couple there as support. Like I've said I want to have a gay experience to be sure first. It wouldn't be polite or appropriate to announce, "hey everyone I like to masturbate to both straight and gay porn!" So I must be sure before taking such a drastic step.
Coming out might end up happening by accident. The other day another friend came over and later I noticed that my "Leather Half Off" DVD was in a slightly hidden spot in my office, and he could have easily seen it. A few times ago he was over and I left out "Bang That Teen Pussy v.10" and he saw that and commented on it. The lines between gay, bisexual, and straight porn are starting to become so blurred in my mind, it's hard to remember that most people are pretty uptight about it. I know I used to be.
Wednesday, November 5, 2008
Perverted Early On
One time when I was maybe eleven or twelve, the family was on a trip to the lake with my brother, my dad and his sister, and her two kids. Out of my two cousins and my brother, only one was a girl, and she was younger than me by about three years.
When we got to the lake, my dad and aunt left us kids in the car and told us to change into our swimsuits. That's when my little cousin said, "look, my vulva!" and I turned around to see her totally naked, legs spread and her fingers parting her pussy lips, showing us all the pink inside.
At the time I didn't know what to think, as I didn't have a sister, and never even dreamed of seeing anything like that before. She must have felt left out, seeing our penises and somehow she felt a need to make sure us boys could see what was fancy about her body, too. It was one of those taboo moments because I knew I was seeing something I wasn't supposed to see, but also that I was seeing something that wasn't supposed to turn me on, bit it did make my dick tingle and bulge a bit, and that felt wrong.
To this day I still have inappropriate feelings toward all three of my girl cousins. Maybe because when she spread her lips that day, I wanted to touch her, and that unresolved urge combined with the taboo has grown into a fetish in my mind.
The more I've tried to repress the early sexual curiosities and perverted thoughts I had as a kid, the stronger they have all become.
When we got to the lake, my dad and aunt left us kids in the car and told us to change into our swimsuits. That's when my little cousin said, "look, my vulva!" and I turned around to see her totally naked, legs spread and her fingers parting her pussy lips, showing us all the pink inside.
At the time I didn't know what to think, as I didn't have a sister, and never even dreamed of seeing anything like that before. She must have felt left out, seeing our penises and somehow she felt a need to make sure us boys could see what was fancy about her body, too. It was one of those taboo moments because I knew I was seeing something I wasn't supposed to see, but also that I was seeing something that wasn't supposed to turn me on, bit it did make my dick tingle and bulge a bit, and that felt wrong.
To this day I still have inappropriate feelings toward all three of my girl cousins. Maybe because when she spread her lips that day, I wanted to touch her, and that unresolved urge combined with the taboo has grown into a fetish in my mind.
The more I've tried to repress the early sexual curiosities and perverted thoughts I had as a kid, the stronger they have all become.
Friday, October 31, 2008
Unknown Missed Opportunity
A long time ago, I think it was 1994, I had just moved to a new town, and I was in a small bar dancing to a rocking local band. Across the stage, there was a really attractive brunette that I was trying to make eye contact with, but she just wasn't looking over my way.
That's when I noticed that a few dudes were crowding the space behind me. At the time I didn't realize they were chicken-hawking me, so I said to one of them that got too close, "wow there's some hot chicks in here, huh."
"Yeah, that's if you like chicks," he replied, and with that they all laughed and made grab-and-thrust fucking motions toward me. Immediately I realized what was going on, and moved away to another part of the bar. They could tell I was flustered and kept laughing and pointing at me, high-fiving each other, obviously psyched that they had gotten-to a straight guy. Being the butt of their joke and the butt of their desires made me feel disrespected, so I left the bar altogether. I wasn't prepared to be hit on by a bunch of obnoxious gay guys, I guess.
A college friend lived in town, she and I were pretty good friends and hung out pretty frequently. We had fooled around in college, but things were strictly platonic now. The next time I saw her, I told her about the incident at the bar. She laughed because it really was funny, and sympathized with my discomfort a bit. She also confided in me that she had always thought I was gay. She was bisexual and claimed to have a pretty accurate gaydar. She said there were other guys in my class year that she had predicted to be gay, that they had indeed come out afterward. She said I was the only one that she was wrong about.
I assured her that I wasn't gay, but in the back of my mind I still knew that I wasn't exactly sure of it. I never told her about any of the urges that I really did have in college, and to this day I don't know if my denials were even convincing to her. Could she really have seen that flicker of gay in me? It made me feel uncomfortable, because at the time I was in such a solid state of denial about my sexuality.
It's a shame, too. Aside from the fact that the guy who said that to me that night looked like Tony Little - CREEPY! - I might have had more fun in that situation. I might have even gotten to get some free drinks, played these guys out a bit, maybe even taken one of them home. Problem was I was too uptight to face my own gayness and just relax and have a bit of fun with it.
It was a lost opportunity and I didn't even know it.
That's when I noticed that a few dudes were crowding the space behind me. At the time I didn't realize they were chicken-hawking me, so I said to one of them that got too close, "wow there's some hot chicks in here, huh."
"Yeah, that's if you like chicks," he replied, and with that they all laughed and made grab-and-thrust fucking motions toward me. Immediately I realized what was going on, and moved away to another part of the bar. They could tell I was flustered and kept laughing and pointing at me, high-fiving each other, obviously psyched that they had gotten-to a straight guy. Being the butt of their joke and the butt of their desires made me feel disrespected, so I left the bar altogether. I wasn't prepared to be hit on by a bunch of obnoxious gay guys, I guess.
A college friend lived in town, she and I were pretty good friends and hung out pretty frequently. We had fooled around in college, but things were strictly platonic now. The next time I saw her, I told her about the incident at the bar. She laughed because it really was funny, and sympathized with my discomfort a bit. She also confided in me that she had always thought I was gay. She was bisexual and claimed to have a pretty accurate gaydar. She said there were other guys in my class year that she had predicted to be gay, that they had indeed come out afterward. She said I was the only one that she was wrong about.
I assured her that I wasn't gay, but in the back of my mind I still knew that I wasn't exactly sure of it. I never told her about any of the urges that I really did have in college, and to this day I don't know if my denials were even convincing to her. Could she really have seen that flicker of gay in me? It made me feel uncomfortable, because at the time I was in such a solid state of denial about my sexuality.
It's a shame, too. Aside from the fact that the guy who said that to me that night looked like Tony Little - CREEPY! - I might have had more fun in that situation. I might have even gotten to get some free drinks, played these guys out a bit, maybe even taken one of them home. Problem was I was too uptight to face my own gayness and just relax and have a bit of fun with it.It was a lost opportunity and I didn't even know it.
Monday, October 27, 2008
Fantasy Fulfillment Services
I talked to my friend more last week about me hiring her as a sex worker. Turns out she's been fantasizing too about what I might hire her to do, so we talked at length about it. And it was exciting! I told her most all of my ideas about what services I might need, and she had a few ideas too. It was funny because one of my requested services was to tie her up and have domain over her pussy for touch/feel, vibrator play, shaving, fisting, whatever my cock desires. Her idea was to tie me up. That wasn't on my list. It sounds good though, and I wouldn't mind paying for dominatrix services, but I have to admit that I'm more interested in a paid submissive.
We hadn't discussed price before, and considering she's a massage therapist and already commands quite an hourly wage, I figured that double her regular fee would be a good place to start. That was before I knew that she charges $75 - $100 an hour for massage! So already we're looking at an expensive fantasy.
In contrast, I know of a sex worker through a friend of mine, and she charges $150 for the whole night. Another friend of mine says he took a stripper home once and paid her $150 an hour for sex. So those seem like bargains compared to my friend's quote. Though when I think back to another friend's bachelor party this summer, I recall paying $150 for a six-song lap dance in the V.I.P. room. Foolish me didn't know that the V.I.P. room isn't where you get "extra" services, and it took that long of dry grinding for me to cum. So by that standard, $150 an hour is cheap!
We didn't make a decision about price, but merely put some figures out there to mull over. She is seeing someone right now, and although she told him that she is strictly non-monogamous, she says he still gets jealous (typical insecure male trying to take ownership of a pussy) and she needs to talk to him about it first. My thoughts are that it's a job and it's her personal business, but I still admire her honesty. Besides I wouldn't want to come between her and a good thing.
I hope we'll be able to come to an agreement, because I'd like to pay her for some sex play, but not sure I want to pay her for sex. I know that sounds weird, but since I've already had sex with her, somehow I feel strange about paying for something that I've gotten for free. It's all the other stuff, the fantasies that are beyond sex, that I want to pay her for. The scenarios and activities that are not normally associated with conventional sex. Like the massage therapist who breaks the rules and jerks me off, the naked yoga instructor, the paid submissive, etc.
We hadn't discussed price before, and considering she's a massage therapist and already commands quite an hourly wage, I figured that double her regular fee would be a good place to start. That was before I knew that she charges $75 - $100 an hour for massage! So already we're looking at an expensive fantasy.
In contrast, I know of a sex worker through a friend of mine, and she charges $150 for the whole night. Another friend of mine says he took a stripper home once and paid her $150 an hour for sex. So those seem like bargains compared to my friend's quote. Though when I think back to another friend's bachelor party this summer, I recall paying $150 for a six-song lap dance in the V.I.P. room. Foolish me didn't know that the V.I.P. room isn't where you get "extra" services, and it took that long of dry grinding for me to cum. So by that standard, $150 an hour is cheap!
We didn't make a decision about price, but merely put some figures out there to mull over. She is seeing someone right now, and although she told him that she is strictly non-monogamous, she says he still gets jealous (typical insecure male trying to take ownership of a pussy) and she needs to talk to him about it first. My thoughts are that it's a job and it's her personal business, but I still admire her honesty. Besides I wouldn't want to come between her and a good thing.
I hope we'll be able to come to an agreement, because I'd like to pay her for some sex play, but not sure I want to pay her for sex. I know that sounds weird, but since I've already had sex with her, somehow I feel strange about paying for something that I've gotten for free. It's all the other stuff, the fantasies that are beyond sex, that I want to pay her for. The scenarios and activities that are not normally associated with conventional sex. Like the massage therapist who breaks the rules and jerks me off, the naked yoga instructor, the paid submissive, etc.
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
What is Bisensuality?
Bisensual. This was a word I thought I made up. Since I've not yet had sex with a man, I didn't feel 100% truthful is naming this blog "Bisexual", because I can't yet be sure that that's where this journey is bringing me.
Since I have fantasies about both men and women, that I masturbate to both gay and straight porn depending on my mood, and since the idea of touching a cock (and maybe doing more) arouses me, I thought I'd go with "Bisensual".
But then I did a Google search on the word and was surprised at the primary results, and not only because I thought I had made up the word. According to most of the search results, bisensual means people who are emotionally or romantically (bot not sexually) attracted both men and women. Hello? Sensuality is physical enjoyment, the word itself is based on the root word "sense" which has little to do with emotions and relationships. The five senses enhance those things, not replace them entirely. So this definition is completely off the mark, in my opinion. The second definition in the results at Urban Dictionary make much more sense to me, though readers have not voted it "up" as much, probably because the definition is far too intellectual for the average moron.
I would argue that bisensuality has absolutely nothing to do with romance. Sensuality can be romantic, true, but we humans have five senses, and emotions isn't one of them! Frustrating that so many people can vote "up" on a definition that's so intellectually bankrupt.
Since I have fantasies about both men and women, that I masturbate to both gay and straight porn depending on my mood, and since the idea of touching a cock (and maybe doing more) arouses me, I thought I'd go with "Bisensual".
But then I did a Google search on the word and was surprised at the primary results, and not only because I thought I had made up the word. According to most of the search results, bisensual means people who are emotionally or romantically (bot not sexually) attracted both men and women. Hello? Sensuality is physical enjoyment, the word itself is based on the root word "sense" which has little to do with emotions and relationships. The five senses enhance those things, not replace them entirely. So this definition is completely off the mark, in my opinion. The second definition in the results at Urban Dictionary make much more sense to me, though readers have not voted it "up" as much, probably because the definition is far too intellectual for the average moron.
I would argue that bisensuality has absolutely nothing to do with romance. Sensuality can be romantic, true, but we humans have five senses, and emotions isn't one of them! Frustrating that so many people can vote "up" on a definition that's so intellectually bankrupt.
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
Bi-Curious Poll Results
Nearly sixty percent of voters said they wish this site had more bisexual pics and vids. So of course it got me thinking. They must mean threesomes, MMF (male-male-female). So is that the dominant paradigm in bisexual desires? Is it merely a group-of-three fetish? Do some men gather some form of comfort with having a woman there? Would they stay hard if she left? Would they think they were gay if they did stay hard?
To me, my bisexuality is more about a duality of lust. My attraction for one sex seems to wax and wane, like the phases of the moon. My gayness surges in a tide, then will wither down until only straight sex consumes my fantasies, then will come rushing back. For me, the beauty of bisexuality is the option to sleep with a man or a woman, that both can get me hard and, presumably, get me off and satisfy my lustful cravings. That just feels like it opens so many doors for me, that I don't need to be pigeonholed into a straight or gay category. It feels like goddamn freedom.
Despite my decision to admit my bisexuality to myself, and to continue to be more honest with myself, I still struggle with having to have a label at all. "Bisexual". Does that word exactly describe my shade of gay? Not really. Come to think of it, bisexual can mean a lot of things and describes little. Would a better term for men who only get off on MMF be "trisexual"? Are guys who would sleep with either a guy or girl but not both "polarsexual"? Are people who'd fuck anything, human or animal, "omnisexual"? Are anything-goes group sex participants "polysexual"? All these labels... are they really necessary?
To me, my bisexuality is more about a duality of lust. My attraction for one sex seems to wax and wane, like the phases of the moon. My gayness surges in a tide, then will wither down until only straight sex consumes my fantasies, then will come rushing back. For me, the beauty of bisexuality is the option to sleep with a man or a woman, that both can get me hard and, presumably, get me off and satisfy my lustful cravings. That just feels like it opens so many doors for me, that I don't need to be pigeonholed into a straight or gay category. It feels like goddamn freedom.
Despite my decision to admit my bisexuality to myself, and to continue to be more honest with myself, I still struggle with having to have a label at all. "Bisexual". Does that word exactly describe my shade of gay? Not really. Come to think of it, bisexual can mean a lot of things and describes little. Would a better term for men who only get off on MMF be "trisexual"? Are guys who would sleep with either a guy or girl but not both "polarsexual"? Are people who'd fuck anything, human or animal, "omnisexual"? Are anything-goes group sex participants "polysexual"? All these labels... are they really necessary?
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
Posts
