Final Post?

I have moved past this blog and my fears - with its help. Writing all this helped me sort out my feelings and explore fantasies in a free and anonymous environment. It served me well, but the time has come to move on.

Patrick and I broke up soon after I became disinterested in sex. I found myself thinking of nothing but women when he and I were having sex, I lost interest in gay porn and surfing the net for thick, juicy cocks. It's as if being with him brought me a greater clarity about my sexuality. But in a way that I did not expect. I don't know what I'd been afraid of all these years. Gay sex is really no big deal, it's just a matter of whether that gets you off or not. And everyone has a right to get off.

I used to be homophobic, until I realized that I was afraid of my own gay side. Once I got the courage to explore that side of me, I found out that it wasn't something to be afraid of.

To anyone who might just now be wondering if they're gay, please don't hesitate to get out there and get laid - find out NOW because life is too short to keep yourself from being happy. Just go for it.

-Benny

Possible Three Way Raises Questions

I've never had a group sex experience, but it's something I've always been open to. Of course I have fantasized about the two girl one guy thing like every other straight man in the world, and for a long time - even before I realized I was bi - I dreamt about double teaming a chick or watching a guy fuck his woman. Although it's something I've always wanted to do, I've never had the opportunity. Now that I know I'm at least partially bisexual, I can add an all-male group sex experience to the lifetime sexual wish list.

Patrick thinks that one of his lovers would be a good match for us in a three way. The guy is a closeted bisexual and they've been having sex together for seven years. Patrick says they have hot passionate sex, and that I'd have to get up to speed to be able to fit in with them. Not that we don't have hot sex, just that they have had so much time to establish their connection. Patrick says he doesn't think I'm comfortable enough yet with gay sex to get the best out of a three way. He doesn't think we've developed our sexual vibe enough yet.

In some ways I see his point, especially since he's right that I'm still exploring my comfort zone with it all. And to be honest, since I posted about it earlier, our sex life has continued to dwindle. The other night when I went over we barely even kissed. No hot sex like the first three nights, though he said it didn't bother him.

But then in other ways I don't really see his point, because it sort of ties a carrot out in front of me. I kind of resent him bringing up a threeway, but then saying I've got work to do. I can't help but see it as a manipulative move to get me to suck his cock more, or let him play more with my ass, or even fuck it.

I don't often respond well to behavior that seems manipulative. And it might end up encouraging my pullback in sexual interest with him. Which would be a drag because I'd really like to have a threeway!

Straight Porn After Gay Sex

Sunday night I masturbated to straight porn after I got home from Patrick's. While I was over there I couldn’t cum again, even though he was doing things to me that felt so good and had helped me get off before. I left kind of frustrated thinking that I was going to have to practically jerk the skin off my dick to get off that night.

So when I came home I fired up the DVD unenthusiastically, one of the "Bang That Teen Pussy" series, just an intro part of a model playing with herself before she gets fucked. She had small tits, a nice trimmed blond pussy, beautifully toned petite body, and she wasn't too pretty, so she had that perfect girl next door kind of look.

Watching her little fit body as she bashfully played with her pussy got me so hot that I came so hard it landed on my face. I can't remember the last time I launched a cumload onto my face, if I ever have at all.

It's great having a boyfriend, but it's pretty clear I gotta get some pussy! I also need to sleep with some other men and see if this dilemma is just about Patrick, or having sex with men in general.

Confused Over Confusion

I spent practically the whole weekend with Patrick. He had me over for dinner and drinks on Saturday night, we stayed up until 4am. I might as well have stayed the night, because I ended up watching the NFL playoffs with him all day Sunday anyway. We had a really great time. We had sex a couple times too, and in different ways than before. It was actually pretty nice.

Previously I posted that I was feeling kind of bored with the sex, and I brought it up to him on Saturday. I told him that I just don't feel that inspired by sucking cock, and that I was confused about why it takes so much effort for me to cum because a lot of what we do together is really pretty hot. I told him that most of the time we were together I was thinking about women.

I expected him to be crushed, but instead he said something that could not have been more perfect, "well I think that's because you are a true bisexual." He is so patient and understanding it blows me away. And the time we spend together is so affectionate, just cuddling, talking and laughing. It's all romance and passion and sensuality. In a lot of ways, all of that is better than the sex.

I'm kind of tripping out about not feeling all that into sucking his cock. It's not like it's exceptionally big or obnoxious, it's clean and well groomed. I dunno why but it's like it simultaneously turns me on and off. It gets me hard to have him in my mouth, but then I almost immediately lose interest in doing anything with it. Poor guy, it must be driving him nuts. lol

On Boredom and Butt Play

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Corner of Confusion and Let Down Alley

My craigslist ad has gotten more responses than I thought it would, though no response has led to anything close as to what I have with Patrick. It's been a real eye opener to experience first hand the differences between the straight and gay worlds.

One of my respondents is a pretty attractive lady in her early 50's. We've been trading emails for almost two weeks now, and she invited me over to dinner last night at her house. There was obviously chemistry when I got there, but clearly far more baggage involved than with Patrick. She told me about her son (son? not mentioned before) and her current divorce (divorce? that's a new one) and how she's not sure if she'll even be in this town three months down the road (three months? okay then). Then of course came out the ultimate straight-dating buzz kill: she's just looking for friends.

Just friends? Jeezus. What the fuck's up with answering a "men seeking women" personal ad then? I know what's up with it, maybe I just had forgotten how contrived heterosexual dating can be. All the games. All the shades of truth. All the saying "yes" when they really mean "no" - I still want pussy but not all the bullshit. Am I asking too much?

Rough Wisker Side Effects

I'd never made out with a man before last week, and to be perfectly honest it really makes me miss kissing a woman. Facial hair kind of grosses me out (especially on a woman!) and the simple fact of the matter is that it's abrasive and it hurts. My lip feels like I've been making out with a friggin' sheet of sandpaper. My lover even said that he shaved before I came over the other night, but still his face was so scratchy that my soft lips got hurt in the process. How to meet a woman who sees the world like a guy (in other words, realistically), but without the scruffy face? I was afraid that this bisexual thing might become a dilemma... but hey, at least I'm getting laid.

Am I Becoming Less Gay?

I just took this gayness test for the second time last night just for fun. I'm not sure I fully believe the accuracy or the practicality of such a test, but it is kind of entertaining nonetheless. Go check it out if you're interested.

The first time I took it several months ago, it said I was 56% gay. This time, though, it said I am 53% gay. I think I know where the discrepancy came from, it's probably the question about using soap or facial scrub to wash my face. Since the economy tanked, the facial scrub was one of the first things to get eliminated from the budget. So would I be more gay if money was more available? Just goes to show the ridiculousness of this type of test. With only two answers for each question, sometimes neither one seems completely correct.

Regardless, I think it's pretty interesting that I'm scoring right above 50% on this test, which is where I would expect the score to be for a bisexual person. Although this gay test says I'm 36% gay, probably because over half the answers I was like, "huh? How the hell would I know what movies Liza Minelli was in?" Seems to me out of the two tests, the first one makes much more sense, as the questions aren't so obvious which ones are going to increase the gay quotient.

It's actually been a couple of weeks since I even jerked off to gay porn. Lately I've been porn surfing for straight stuff, namely looking for videos of college-age chicks with small tits strip dancing and getting down, letting their fingers do the talking. Also, since my DVD player on my computer friggin' broke (damn am I pissed) I haven't gone and picked out a selection from my gay porno stash. I do have a regular DVD player, but all those pornos have like 15 minutes of ads and previews before it even gets to the menu, whereas my computer just cuts to the chase and picks up the DVD right where you left off, so it gets straight to the goods right away. Worst thing is to wait for the stupid FBI copyright statement and dumb previews about long-defunct 900 numbers while you got your dick in hand, ready to stroke. I just don't have the patience for that. When it's time to whack off - step aside people.

Also I wonder if the six months or so of blogging about this has gotten me more relaxed, or at least less uptight, and therefore less worried about how gay or not gay I am. Getting positive feedback and support from mainly straight guys who fuck men on occasion, and that they don't let labels control their self image, probably has changed my viewpoint a bit, too.

Don't matter though, 'cause I still want to go get some dick and see what that's really like.

Zodiac Sexuality Epiphany

Just a couple of days ago, I added my zodiac signs to my profile. Before that I didn't know what my Chinese year animal was, and once I saw it things made a lot more sense.

It's the rooster. COCK!

That's how I can be sure I'm bisexual - Libra = balance, rooster = cock. It's so simple, it's profound. lol

Houston Opportunities: Update

Well, I found the place that's my cover story, a sports bar where women go to pick up men (can you believe it?!). The odds still weren't that great though. Not counting the obvious couples, the ratio was maybe 3:1, men to women. Can't complain though, because those numbers beat my hometown odds by a factor of ten. Now if only I had the ability to be that jackass who hits on every woman in the bar.

Tonight I had the perfect opportunity to come out to my friends that I'm staying with here (though as I've said before, I think it would be wise to have a gay experience first before making such an extraordinary declaration about my lifestyle) when they mentioned their bisexual friend again. I almost said, "I want to meet him." Which would have been just as well to get them off my back, because they were grilling me about meeting a woman.

I do appreciate my friends' concern that I am alone, and I appreciate them wanting to help me figure out what is holding me back from having more confidence with women. But also I wish they would just leave me the fuck alone about it. It always seems like it's the couple, the man and woman, that can't imagine life as single. It's as if to them life isn't worth living if you don't have a spouse. It's really bullshit and I get sick of it. Do people really think they can't be happy until they find "the one?" Or do they just tell themselves that so they won't just up and admit to themselves that they are truly miserable? It's almost like they want to spread the misery, that no man should be allowed to live his own life... that a life led unmarried is one wasted.

In so many ways, I want to just get it over with and have an experience so I can tell these guys what's really going on. I do feel that their concern for me is genuine, but it would just put the whole "meeting a woman" question to rest. I'd just say that I'm not sure a woman is what I want, and that would relinquish me from having to explain my failures with women, save me from having to drudge over all the bullshit sex roles that the heterosexual world places on people. That men have to be the aggressors. That women have to sit and wait to be approached. That men who are in touch with their feelings are probably gay. I'm just so sick of all the stereotypes and the lines drawn. In so many ways I just want to be free of this struggle, and say "fuck you, I like guys too. SO WHAT."

Also, it might get my friend to cool it with the gay jokes, if he knew he was hurting my feelings.

Trip Today Shows Promise

I'm going to Houston for a few weeks on a working vacation. I'll be staying with my best friend and his wife. She's been pretty accepting of me, and my friend and I have been close friends for almost 25 years. He's always supported me no matter what I did, and the last time I was there, about a year ago, we were driving along to go out to eat and they told me about a friend of theirs who had recently gotten a divorce because he had realized that he was bisexual.

At the time, I was just past the point of realizing that and admitting it to myself, and for a split second I thought about coming out to them. It could have been so easy, too. I could have just said, "yeah, I've been dealing with a lot of those same feelings." It wouldn't have been a big deal, it was a perfect segue.

So now I'm going to visit them again. They are encouraging me to get out on my own, too, to go out to places and see the city on my own terms. After all, I might be accepting a job there.

The cool thing is that it's such a gay-friendly city. If I mustered the strength to go out - for I am truly a homebody - I could go to any gay bar or cruise spot that I wanted to. And because I'm in a strange big city, I could do it anonymously. Being there may be the perfect opportunity because I will be away from my small city where chance run-ins and gossip circles abound.

So I had this fantasy of asking my friend for that guy's phone number, the one who came out as bisexual. Then I could let my best friend know about my struggle, and immediately have a local support network to go out and flirt with some guys. I'd love to just talk to this guy about what it was like to come out, how his sex life has changed and is it for the better? Then ask him if he wants to go back to his place and play around, that I'd love to touch his cock. I'm getting stiff just fantasizing about it here!

While I'm away I'll try to keep up with this blog, and I'll definitely keep you all up to date on any adventures, encounters, or conquests along the way.

Gay Club Outsider

I wonder if there is discrimination in the gay world against bisexuals. Are they seen as half-assed turncoats who want their cake and eat it too? For some gay people, coming out has meant rejection from their own family, and they may have made huge sacrifices in their lives and suffered persecution, while the bisexual gets to dabble and experiment privately, but can perhaps more easily maintain the outward public appearance of "normalcy".

My basis for this pondering was an interaction I had on IMVU. I was at a gay virtual club flirting with some guys and it came up I was bi. They asked me to leave, saying I wasn't really queer. It was like they were against me still being attracted to women, and for being confused and in the closet. They made it out like I wasn't someone who had paid his dues, that I was just greedily grazing from the sexual banquet, too afraid to commit to the gay lifestyle. It kinda sucked to get kicked out for not being queer enough.

It started me thinking that bisexual men are not allowed to have an authentic sexual identity. They're just confused or curious or experimenting, they're really gay but are just greedy double-dippers, or whatever. I'm kind of getting tired of the way people treat bisexuality, and I haven't even come out yet! I totally agree with orange108 that coming out would be easier if the world wasn't so anti-gay. That's how I feel about having all these permanent bisexual feelings, and how much easier it would be if there was more acceptance.

There's so little general understanding of gayness. You see an effeminate man and think "oh he's gay" - or see a butch woman and say "oh she's a lesbian". They get categorized for their behavior, easily defined and easier to grasp for ignorant people. How do bisexuals act? There doesn't seem to be an easy way to single them out or pinpoint how they act, so do gay men see them as cheaters in a tough homophobic world?

New Pornos Reviewed

I got my pornos that I ordered about 10 days ago. I'm pretty happy with them.

Leather Half Off is probably my favorite of the three, with lots of hot guys in black leather playing with each other in various scenarios. No bondage or S&M, just leather on skin and guys touching, sucking and fucking. Very nice.

9 Inch Males is pretty decent, but some of the guys are not as well hung as the title would imply, so that was a little disappointing, to be honest. Have to watch this one a little longer and find my favorite scenes.

Secret Bisexual Stories has some hot guys and girls, though is your typical MMF video with largely similar scenes throughout. Just like all my other bisexual pornos, this one stars a bunch of hot Brazilians. There's some really hot chicks with nice small tits and hot men with big dicks, but reading subtitles kind of sucks when you've got your cock out and stroking to the scenes. Kudos to Brazilian culture and their open views of sexuality, though I have to start to wonder if there are any non-foreign bisexual XXX productions out there, because so far I haven't seen any.

Gay DVD Empire has the best prices and service I could find if anyone wants to check these vids out.

What is Bisensuality?

Bisensual. This was a word I thought I made up. Since I've not yet had sex with a man, I didn't feel 100% truthful is naming this blog "Bisexual", because I can't yet be sure that that's where this journey is bringing me.

Since I have fantasies about both men and women, that I masturbate to both gay and straight porn depending on my mood, and since the idea of touching a cock (and maybe doing more) arouses me, I thought I'd go with "Bisensual".

But then I did a Google search on the word and was surprised at the primary results, and not only because I thought I had made up the word. According to most of the search results, bisensual means people who are emotionally or romantically (bot not sexually) attracted both men and women. Hello? Sensuality is physical enjoyment, the word itself is based on the root word "sense" which has little to do with emotions and relationships. The five senses enhance those things, not replace them entirely. So this definition is completely off the mark, in my opinion. The second definition in the results at Urban Dictionary make much more sense to me, though readers have not voted it "up" as much, probably because the definition is far too intellectual for the average moron.

I would argue that bisensuality has absolutely nothing to do with romance. Sensuality can be romantic, true, but we humans have five senses, and emotions isn't one of them! Frustrating that so many people can vote "up" on a definition that's so intellectually bankrupt.

Bi-Curious Poll Results

Nearly sixty percent of voters said they wish this site had more bisexual pics and vids. So of course it got me thinking. They must mean threesomes, MMF (male-male-female). So is that the dominant paradigm in bisexual desires? Is it merely a group-of-three fetish? Do some men gather some form of comfort with having a woman there? Would they stay hard if she left? Would they think they were gay if they did stay hard?

To me, my bisexuality is more about a duality of lust. My attraction for one sex seems to wax and wane, like the phases of the moon. My gayness surges in a tide, then will wither down until only straight sex consumes my fantasies, then will come rushing back. For me, the beauty of bisexuality is the option to sleep with a man or a woman, that both can get me hard and, presumably, get me off and satisfy my lustful cravings. That just feels like it opens so many doors for me, that I don't need to be pigeonholed into a straight or gay category. It feels like goddamn freedom.

Despite my decision to admit my bisexuality to myself, and to continue to be more honest with myself, I still struggle with having to have a label at all. "Bisexual". Does that word exactly describe my shade of gay? Not really. Come to think of it, bisexual can mean a lot of things and describes little. Would a better term for men who only get off on MMF be "trisexual"? Are guys who would sleep with either a guy or girl but not both "polarsexual"? Are people who'd fuck anything, human or animal, "omnisexual"? Are anything-goes group sex participants "polysexual"? All these labels... are they really necessary?

Still Confused and Searching

Even after over a year of self-admittance, even after three months of daily posts on this blog, I’m still confused… what am I? Am I just a desperate straight guy with a bi-curiosity? Am I truly bisexual? Am I gay and just hanging on to the hope of finding a woman? What’s going on here?

I’m glad to have memories throughout my life of gay urges to reflect upon. That makes the fact that they have surfaced so strongly easier to face somehow, like it hasn’t all come on all at once and thus been a surprise to me.

If I was less self aware, I might not recognize my path: from lonely desperation to a narcissist who fell in love with his own cock, which led to the association of cock with arousal and fed my gay fantasies. Still feeling attraction to women, I could only assume that I must be bisexual, but am I?

I don't seem to be entirely turned on by gay sex. In some ways it feels more like an intrigue, like an urge to experience it. When I think about just abandoning women and going all gay, I immediately think of all the things about women that, although I may be jealous of and can’t seem to get, I totally love and could never give up. I end up having to admit to myself that my attraction to men is not as complete as to women, that it doesn't consume my whole being, that I don't simply melt with desire like when I see an attractive woman. I don't feel that deep inner spark, it's more of a fleeting yet permanently real fascination.

I’m not sure if this is because I haven't really experienced it completely or what. I’m not yet familiar with the sounds and smells of gay sex, the tastes and touch, the sinewy, hairy, sweaty male pheromones, the sensual stuff that words can't describe, the ethereal side that I long to have with women, yet seem to have so much trouble getting.

What will my first gay experience bring me? Will it be a release? An awakening? Will I feel fulfillment? Guilt? Disgust? Will I realize that women can't give me love or satisfaction any more than a man? Or that men can’t give me what I really want? Or the other way around?

There’s only one way to know, obviously. In many ways I wish women were as available as men so I wouldn’t feel like I had to turn to men out of desperation for women. It would make it a little clearer, since affection has been so scarce for me in the heterosexual world, it makes me wonder if I’m just adapting my sexuality and fantasies just to be able to get some play.

New Pornos On The Way

Since my birthday is coming up, I decided to splurge and add a couple gay and bi DVD's to my collection. They shipped last Thursday and should be here any day now. My cock eagerly awaits the jerking it's going to get once they arrive. This is what I ordered:

9 Inch Males - I love to see a cock get pulled out of underwear and swing with heft.

Leather Half Off - Love leather, love gay porn. Enough said.

Secret Bisexual Stories - MMF threesomes, and anything goes. Where do I sign up?


UPDATE: They arrived and I'm enjoying the stimulation so far.

Subconcious Gay Crush

Fifteen years ago, I had this friend in college, he was a few years younger than me. We used to hang out together, mostly in his room. I'd come over with a bunch of weed and we'd smoke it until it was gone, music loud. At the time I can remember wondering if he was any bit gay or bi, but I never had the balls to ask him. I remember secretly hoping he would come on to me, but I'm not sure I actually acknowledged to this myself. It was more of a secret crush -- a secret even to me.

Five years or so after college, he and his girlfriend came up to visit a few hours north. Later I visited him where he lived, and by then my gay urges had surfaced a bit more, but I was still oblivious to my sexual attraction to men. At the time it was a curious quirk that came and went, nothing that caused me too much concern. Some of the feelings I was having made me wonder if I was gay, but overall my sexual orientation was all straight. All straight porn, straight relationships, straight dreams and fantasies.

Now a full ten years after that, and upon reflection I realize that I had a crush on him. He was very good looking, slightly geeky, a bit effeminate. I knew he dated girls, but in this subconscious way I hoped maybe he had experience with men, and would show me a thing or two. Looking back now, I wish I had talked to him about it.

Today, I still fantasize about him. I imagine that he has a big cock and a smooth chest, and knows how to mentor a newbie gently. To this day I wish he was my first.

Bisexual Pornucopia 2

Hiatus Needed

I've been so busy remodeling my house, I haven't had much time to devote to this blog. Here's some pics to hold you over while I get back up to speed. I've been too busy to masturbate, let alone offer a window into the psyche of one budding bisexual. I'll be back as soon as I can!