Final Post?

I have moved past this blog and my fears - with its help. Writing all this helped me sort out my feelings and explore fantasies in a free and anonymous environment. It served me well, but the time has come to move on.

Patrick and I broke up soon after I became disinterested in sex. I found myself thinking of nothing but women when he and I were having sex, I lost interest in gay porn and surfing the net for thick, juicy cocks. It's as if being with him brought me a greater clarity about my sexuality. But in a way that I did not expect. I don't know what I'd been afraid of all these years. Gay sex is really no big deal, it's just a matter of whether that gets you off or not. And everyone has a right to get off.

I used to be homophobic, until I realized that I was afraid of my own gay side. Once I got the courage to explore that side of me, I found out that it wasn't something to be afraid of.

To anyone who might just now be wondering if they're gay, please don't hesitate to get out there and get laid - find out NOW because life is too short to keep yourself from being happy. Just go for it.

-Benny

My New Blog

FYI: I just started a new blog yesterday, Cock-A-Day. It's pretty boring right now, 'cause there's only one or two pics on there, but I intend to post a new random cockshot every day for... well we'll see how long it will last. I have a huge collection of digital photos, hundreds of cockshots, so I'll try to keep the content fresh and not repeat any pics from this blog. Hope you enjoy it, if not, enjoy something.

The Elusive Deep Post

Not sure what's up lately, but I just don't feel that deep or insightful with my posts anymore. It's funny too because I know there's a lot more topics and personal subjects that I want to talk about, but lately I just don't feel all that inspired to write. I haven't written a fantasy story in a couple months, and I've still managed to let my shyness overwhelm my urge to go out to a gay bar.

Something kinda cool happened in the airport though on my way to the holidays with the family. I was at a pub in the airport terminal waiting for my flight, and there was this pretty obviously gay waiter - he was kinda cute, looked about my age maybe older, and had nice pecs and arms that I could see from under his tight polo shirt. Well the waiter asked the bartender for change, and the guy totally blew him off, saying, "I don't have time for that," and just walked away from him, looking for something to do to look busy. This clearly made the waiter upset, cause he huffed and sighed like he was just fed up with this asshole bartender. I dunno if the bartender is homophobic or what - hell I don't really even know for sure if the waiter is gay, but he did have an effeminate voice and a sweet, tender way about him. The bar wasn't even that packed, so I figured the bartender's excuse was bullshit, and there must be some tension between these two. Though, granted, I was only sitting there for one beer so what the hell do I know?

Anyway, once I paid for my beer I felt bad for the waiter because obviously the bartender's attitude was getting him down. So I took the change over to him and said, "hey, I overheard that guy say he didn't have time to give you change, which is obviously total bullshit, so I thought I'd just give his tip to you, hope that's alright," and I handed him my 100% tip ($5 on a $5 microbrew small-batch beer). His face lit up and he smiled and I was like, "fuck that asshole, don't let him ruin your day." The guy said thanks and took the money.

Not trying to toot my own horn here (see Solo Fellatio lol) but it made me feel good to help someone out no matter how small. It was also fun to flirt a bit and make eye contact with a cute guy. ;)

Blogger's Block

Not feelin' it today. Short on subjects and motivation.

Poll Results Defy Expectations

I put up the reader polls to get an idea of what my small reader base is like. What type of person enjoys my blog? Do they have a big cock or no cock at all? Do they masturbate? Enjoy pornography? Do they get enough sex? All subjects I am wildly interested in, and the outcome always surprises me.

The results I've gleaned from a few polls are the exact opposite of what I was expecting. Out of the respondents so far, only 10% are gay, 30% are bisexual, and the rest are straight. I did not predict this result!

Are there any straight men visiting my site regularly? If so, I got news for you: you're not straight.

If any of my straight visitors are ladies, are you free tonight? ;-)

Cock Project Defunct

I have no freaking discipline. About a month ago I posted an entry about a project I wanted to do: take a still shot of my cock every day for a year and then make a little 30 second short film. Well I realized today that I haven't taken a picture for over a month. It's clear I don't have the consistency and/or desire to keep up with it, so the project has been scrapped. Oh well.

Lame and Distant but Still Horny

This week's been a struggle to focus energy on this blog. I wanted to be able to have an insightful, meaningful, or deeply personal post at least once a week, but my reservoir of emotions and self-awareness seems to have dried up for the past week.

I haven't really had any profound revelations to share lately, not to mention my wireless router decided to block all traffic and I can't figure out why, so I've been spending less time online because I have to crouch in a corner on a 3-foot LAN cable to log on to the friggin internet. My normal routine of taking the laptop to whatever part of the house or yard that inspires me to write has been replaced by being captive to a cramped, slouchy space with an uncomfortable chair.

I am pleased to report, though, that I talked to a friend this week about fulfilling some fantasies, so that's cool. She's a massage therapist, and she's always very strict about maintaining her professional boundaries. Sex and professional massage don't mix, especially if you want to A) keep your license to practice, and B) stay out of jail. So I wasn't sure how she would react to me asking if I could hire her as a sex worker instead of a massage therapist, I thought she might get pissed. Though, we have talked before and she told me that being a sex worker has always been a fantasy of hers, so I guess I knew she wouldn't be too offended.

My fantasy scenario, well one of them, involves a massage therapist setting, but she breaks the rules (I also want to try this with a man). She doesn't stop at my upper thighs but continues up to the goods. I want to lay stark naked on the massage table, cock hard and sticking straight up, no towels or sheets to cover me. She gets naked, lets me oil up her body and while she massages me, maybe even fondle her pussy, then she climbs up on me and uses her full-body, her tits, cunt, and ass to massage me. Once we're totally oily and I'm hard as stone, she hand-massages all the parts that are normally off limits for a legit massage. Caresses my balls, strokes my cock, fingers my ass, massages my perineum, my prostate, and makes me cum in explosive bursts all over and then rubs it into my skin. For her tip I'd fuck her something fierce.

What Is Gay Sex?

It seems the word sex has many meanings. Bill Clinton got caught in the shaded area of the definition, the classic heterosexual male train of thought: sex does not occur unless I fuck her pussy. When Clinton uttered those infamous words, "I did not have sexual relations with that woman," he was providing a window into the male paradigm, one that bases the definition of sex on committing the act of laying the pipe. There's a few problems with this way of thinking about sex, none the least of which being a charge of perjury when under oath.

My now-bisexual lesbian friend who helped me realize I'm bisexual, was telling me about this time she hooked up with one of her lesbian friends for a one night stand. In the telling the story she said, "we had sex" and at that moment I realized -- neither of them has a penis so sex must mean a lot more than penile penetration. She told me about their tryst, and to her, the sex was everything that happened that night. Licking, sucking, grinding, kissing, fingering, fisting... everything. The whole experience was the sex, and since there was no penis or dildo involved, the meaning of the word had little to do with vaginal penetration.

I just read a really hot true story that got me thinking about gay experiences (again) and the meaning of the word sex. In the story, the blog's author, orange108, talks about his "truth or dare" sleep overs with one of his stepbrothers. They started with little touches of each other's dicks, then progressed to jerking and sucking each other off. Although they never had anal sex, in my opinion what they had was gay sex. And I'm jealous.

Sex has many meanings. Considering that not everyone has a penis, or one that gets hard, or one that's big enough to penetrate anything at all, and that they have a right to have sex as much as anyone, the word sex therefore must mean more than penetrating a pussy or ass with one's cock.

Pendulum Away From the Pedestal

Since I've been writing this blog, I've been more clued in to my sex drive on a daily basis. Writing about sexy things every day has got me feeling horny most of the time. My posts are often spontaneous, but when I'm writing my stories, I usually take a few days to play out the scenarios in my head, and decide how I want the story to go. During this time I am constantly thinking about sexual fantasies and flirtatious situations.

I like to have photos accompany my short stories, so I'll do a lot of porn surfing looking for the right pic. Several times I have found something different than what I was looking for, but something so hot that I have to grab hold of my cock and jerk off right there. This constant stimulation can add days to when a story I'm writing actually gets published, as I keep getting distracted with all the porn surfing and wanking.

My libido has been swinging from straight to gay lately, leaving not much else in between. The other week when I was writing about ex-girlfriends and the pleasures of pussy, my sex drive was focused on women, all my porn surfing dedicated to jerking off to pictures of hot, young, naked women.

Last week, though, I have felt scantly the urge to stroke my love muscle to pictures of women. I've only been surfing for pictures of big beautiful cocks, cute fuckable guys, pert shaved little assholes, muscular asses, shoulders, hips and thighs. My dreams have been consumed with a lust for cock. Pussy has barely even crossed my mind.

I'm generally a shy person, and I think that's what keeps me from going out and trying to hook up. Although I have only thus far fantasized about gay sex, somehow it doesn't seem like it would be that hard to get. Guys love to fuck. I'm sure women do too, but our society has this crazy prude/slut dilemma in which women use the prospect of sex for manipulation. My impression is that most women don't really like sex on a fundamental level, but they know men do, so they use it as a tool to manipulate men into doing what they want. They use pussy as leverage to control them.

Whereas between two men, they know the whole point is to get laid, there's no misunderstanding there. And they haven't had all this Cinderella, glass slipper, Knight in Shining Armor bullshit driven down their throats their whole life. They haven't been tricked by this damsel in distress imagery that makes American women think their cunts are the holy grail, a secret treasure only to be deployed when she thinks he might be her Prince Charming, a lure to get that ring on her finger. Then the majority of men who commit to traditional marriage have put the pussy on a pedestal, and rarely ever get to see it again. Countless married men have proven this theory.

Now, I'm sure there are exceptions to every rule, and sexual dynamics are greater than my atrophied perspective. I imagine much of my impetus for the development of this theory has been my overall difficulty in assuming the roles required of men to "get laid" by American women [Side note: American women are mostly prude in their home country, though I have heard they cut loose overseas]. The behavior publicly displayed by men to try to get in some chick's pants is nothing short of comical.

I'm looking forward to testing my theory at the gay bar. It's not a matter of not having the opportunity, it's a matter of going outside of my comfort range to allow the prospect to arise. But once I'm there, I have a feeling that talking to guys and hooking up will feel more natural and not as contrived as in the hetero world. Women demand a mind-boggling array of flips, jumps, hoops, performance tests, shell games, mystery and silent innuendo to get into their pants. Men will take yours off for you.

Is Using Porn the Same as Cheating?

They say if you love someone set them free. It seems that's easier said than done, as jealousy often prevents us from allowing our girlfriends, boyfriends, husbands and wives true freedom. Instead we want them to be committed to us and only us, we want to believe that their eyes never wander, that all their sexual fantasies involve us alone, and that we can fulfill their every desire. Though I do recognize that monogamy is a choice that most of us make by default, I also think that such strict interpretations of commitment are detrimental to healthy relationships. Honestly.

A friend of mine is married but has probably the world's most wandering eyes. He points out hot women constantly, and his wife is no ugly duckling, but still his eyes wander lustfully. I asked him once, "doesn't Amy get upset with you scoping out other women all the time?"

"Nope." He explained, "she knows who I am and knew what she was getting into when we got married. Besides, my philosophy is that it doesn't matter where you get your appetite, so long as you eat at home." Amy knew that the more looking her husband did, the hornier he got, and the more vigorous fucking she was going to get once they got home. Talk about trust and a higher understanding!

I've heard here and there, read blogs and posts on the internet, about spouses who are worried that their significant other is "cheating" on the internet via porn surfing, flirtatious chat, cybersex, or what have you. Once they find out that he or she really is doing it, the guilty feelings are projected inward and internalized. It becomes the cuckold's fault that the other went looking elsewhere, because they alone weren't good enough for them. I think that this is a trap that many of us fall into: distilling someone else's feelings through our own viewpoint, not able to see that each person is an individual driven by their own needs and desires. To further my point, how many of us make all of our decisions initially based solely on someone else? None perhaps except for a mother and her child. Marriage is a union between two individuals. And individuals, at the most basic level, are always driven by survival and self-preservation. Being considerate of others is a learned behavior, not instinctual.

Monogamy is not necessarily human nature. I have a friend, she is a bisexual single mom, who is a strict polygamist. Not that she lives on an FLDS compound, but that she is honest enough with her lovers and more serious relationships to say to them, "look, I don't believe in monogamy." In other words, she knows that she will need sexual fulfillment outside of any relationship she may have, and has the self-awareness and courage to tell the truth from the get go. I think this kind of honesty is lacking in many relationships, primarily because of social constraints and learned guilt responses that have us terrified of unconventional sexual encounters, whether gay, deviant, extramarital, or all of the above.

How many marriages could be improved with more honesty, trust, openness, and willingness to try to understand someone's perspective not viewed through our own personal kaleidescope of judgment? One of my favorite bloggers, Anginae, is dealing with lots of confusion and guilt since her husband came out to her, and I commend her willingness to try to step outside of herself to analyze the situation. It is probably this rare ability to interpret her husband's feelings detached from her own that has saved their marriage so far. Many others with a shallow understanding might have already filed for divorce!

Spouses who find their significant others "cheating" online might do well to try to put their own feelings aside, take a few steps back, and glean some perspective. If not seen through our own fogged lens of jealousy, we might be able to learn more about our mate, delve deeper into who they really are, offering support and understanding so that they feel completely comfortable telling us that they have been having gay fantasies, or that they want to deflower the babysitter; or how she fantasizes about the gardener fucking her in the dirt behind the bushes. Often times it is the taboo that is the most magnetic, especially for those that are severely repressed. It's a classic vicious cycle.

So many people are unknowingly kept unhappy because they can't express their sexual fantasies out of fear of repulsion, rejection, and reprisal. I believe that to have true honestly, openness and understanding in a relationship, we need to commit to know our significant others on their own terms, through their own eyes and not just ours. As for the "cheating" aspect, how much control you exert over your spouse directly reflects your own level of insecurity. Control amounts to selfishness, as we view our own needs of how we want someone else to be as more important than who that person really is, and limits our ability to love that person for who they really are. How can we truly know them if we fabricate our own mental barriers around them?

Moved From Xlogz

I moved this blog over from Xlogz today, so that explains why there are posts dated before my join date.

The main reason I moved is because Blogger offers a warning page for adult content blogs. Also, their software is more intuitive than Wordpress. The ease of use makes up for having less features overall, and Blogger has much better social networking capability.

I welcome any feedback, comments, or suggestions.

About This Blog - Updated

This blog is the result of an open love affair with my cock. The writings and photos contained are compiled from a ten year study of narcissism and sex with myself, and document my solo adventures. It is meant to be a work in progress, and I eventually intend to touch upon every reflection and revelation of, about, and from my affair. The blog will serve as a Cockumentary of my self discovery, and acceptance that my gay side deserves as much attention as my straight side.

UPDATE 1: Some of you have asked about my gay short stories. They are fiction. At the time of this update, I have still not had my first gay experience. When I have it, believe me dear readers, you will know. My stories are just my writing about what kinds of experiences I fantasize about, and ways that I would like my first time to go. You can find all of them tagged as gay short stories. All of my writing about straight sex will almost always be a true story.

I'm happy to see people following this blog. Enjoy!

UPDATE 2: This blog has evolved into a greater monologue about myself and my thoughts than I originally intended, but I am enjoying the organic quality of what comes up for me day to day. It has become an outlet of expression that I have long been needing, and has brought me through a personal evolution to places I might not have otherwise been able to go. I am grateful for the friends I have made through the deeply personal expression that is this blog.