A Funny Thing Happened Online

I've noticed before that the more desperate a guy acts around women, the more turned off by him they become. It's a strange dynamic, very similar to a predator/prey relationship. The hunters gather for the kill, and the hunted panic the closer he gets. The successful hunter is the one with the most patience, the one who lays in wait, intentions disguised, then pounces unexpectedly. A successful kill always requires cunning, deception, and skill.

As I've decided to branch out and explore my sexuality, I've been flirting a bit with guys online. Since I'm pretty new at this, I find myself taking the roll of the hunted. Which is fine, because having to always be the aggressor in the heterosexual world can get kind of exhausting. As the prey, you just relax and have them come to you, if you want to be preyed upon, that is.

Being able to sit back, as potential suitors stumble and fall all over themselves, and effortlessly employ selectivity preferences fucking rules. Now I feel the power and privilege that women do as they sit on the throne of sexual dynamics, possible mates paraded in front of them like a carnal banquet, "no, no, no, yes, no, no, no."

It's been a real eye opener to see what men are like when it's clear they are thinking with their dicks, and most notably what my reaction is when they come on so strong, and how similar that reaction is to those that I have gotten from women when desperation has taken control of my brain.

A recent exchange was a prime example of this. A gentleman with nice photos of a thick, juicy cock sent me a few messages saying he liked my profile. After an exchange or two, we started to discuss the possibility of meeting for a tryst. That's when he said, "sounds good, I'm up for anything, I'm free tonight and all this weekend."

Right away I lost interest. "Tonight?!" I thought, "wow, this guy moves fast. Too fast!" And suddenly I felt that deer-in-the-headlights sensation, like I'd been singled out for the kill but like I wasn't ready to be taken. Don't these predators know when to strike and to do it gracefully and subversively? Didn't he know that I was playing the selectivity role and he was supposed to cleverly make it seem like sleeping with him was my idea all along?

Immediately I realized that I was playing that role, that I had become the fickle love interest that had left me so confused with women before. It made me realize that all the women I had pursued but never gotten throughout my life had all acted out of this basic principle of attraction/repulsion. I had come on too strong and extinguished their desire with my advances, and now I was getting a chance to wear the other shoe. To see how a strong advance could diffuse my curiosity in an instant.

Sure seems easier to let the suitors come to me, to pick and choose as I please, rather than to make a fool of myself trying to be the potential mate among the pack of dumb-ass hyenas clambering all over each other, snapping, nipping, yelping, fighting amongst themselves for the tiny scraps of pussy-meat tossed their way.

Impossible Sex Drive

My cock just hasn't been able to keep up with my sex drive lately. It's a dilemma, because I have an urge to masturbate nearly all day, but masturbating doesn't make me cum after like the third or fourth time. So throughout the day, despite all the beating and stroking I can apply, I can't seem to get relief. Talk about frustration. I just can't seem to release the pressure, and the chaffing is getting to me. I need to get laid, and whatever I've been trying to achieve to that end ain't working, which adds to the frustration. It's a vicious cycle, and my cock is the unwilling victim.

It's when I feel like my anatomy is failing me that my feelings of gender despair are strongest. If I was a woman, not only would I have this rockin' pussy that I could masturbate for hours, keeping up with my libido; but also it would just be so much easier to get laid. And wishing I was a woman is the most impossible dream, so it makes me feel even more frustrated.

What is Bisensuality?

Bisensual. This was a word I thought I made up. Since I've not yet had sex with a man, I didn't feel 100% truthful is naming this blog "Bisexual", because I can't yet be sure that that's where this journey is bringing me.

Since I have fantasies about both men and women, that I masturbate to both gay and straight porn depending on my mood, and since the idea of touching a cock (and maybe doing more) arouses me, I thought I'd go with "Bisensual".

But then I did a Google search on the word and was surprised at the primary results, and not only because I thought I had made up the word. According to most of the search results, bisensual means people who are emotionally or romantically (bot not sexually) attracted both men and women. Hello? Sensuality is physical enjoyment, the word itself is based on the root word "sense" which has little to do with emotions and relationships. The five senses enhance those things, not replace them entirely. So this definition is completely off the mark, in my opinion. The second definition in the results at Urban Dictionary make much more sense to me, though readers have not voted it "up" as much, probably because the definition is far too intellectual for the average moron.

I would argue that bisensuality has absolutely nothing to do with romance. Sensuality can be romantic, true, but we humans have five senses, and emotions isn't one of them! Frustrating that so many people can vote "up" on a definition that's so intellectually bankrupt.

Lame and Distant but Still Horny

This week's been a struggle to focus energy on this blog. I wanted to be able to have an insightful, meaningful, or deeply personal post at least once a week, but my reservoir of emotions and self-awareness seems to have dried up for the past week.

I haven't really had any profound revelations to share lately, not to mention my wireless router decided to block all traffic and I can't figure out why, so I've been spending less time online because I have to crouch in a corner on a 3-foot LAN cable to log on to the friggin internet. My normal routine of taking the laptop to whatever part of the house or yard that inspires me to write has been replaced by being captive to a cramped, slouchy space with an uncomfortable chair.

I am pleased to report, though, that I talked to a friend this week about fulfilling some fantasies, so that's cool. She's a massage therapist, and she's always very strict about maintaining her professional boundaries. Sex and professional massage don't mix, especially if you want to A) keep your license to practice, and B) stay out of jail. So I wasn't sure how she would react to me asking if I could hire her as a sex worker instead of a massage therapist, I thought she might get pissed. Though, we have talked before and she told me that being a sex worker has always been a fantasy of hers, so I guess I knew she wouldn't be too offended.

My fantasy scenario, well one of them, involves a massage therapist setting, but she breaks the rules (I also want to try this with a man). She doesn't stop at my upper thighs but continues up to the goods. I want to lay stark naked on the massage table, cock hard and sticking straight up, no towels or sheets to cover me. She gets naked, lets me oil up her body and while she massages me, maybe even fondle her pussy, then she climbs up on me and uses her full-body, her tits, cunt, and ass to massage me. Once we're totally oily and I'm hard as stone, she hand-massages all the parts that are normally off limits for a legit massage. Caresses my balls, strokes my cock, fingers my ass, massages my perineum, my prostate, and makes me cum in explosive bursts all over and then rubs it into my skin. For her tip I'd fuck her something fierce.

Libido Back On Track

Between writing my fantasy story about the figure drawing and yesterday's post of some hot video clips, my sex drive is back in full swing. Once again I've been jerking off to pretty much only gay material, a few tranny and bisexual episodes in between; but for the most part it's been all gay. I think I'm intoxicated with the idea of experiencing what it's like to get a guy hard. To experience that power and control that women must feel over men, straight men anyway, that they could do something sexy and he'd just melt like putty in her hands. The power of subtle sexual control, by being the cause of his erection, the knowledge that grabbing hold of and massaging his cock would be a sensation he could not resist. I think a lot of why I am so attracted to gay fantasies is because of the aspect of envy, that I am jealous of women's control over men. If I was with a man, I might experience some of that power trip, and frankly it'd be just plain fun to have a man paralyzed with arousal. And being a guy, at least I know not to leave him hanging with blue balls, as a fellow guy I'd have enough sense to finish the job.

Libido Shifts to Asexual

Last few days I can barely find a pic, clip, video or anything get off. I don't feel sexy. I'm turned off by the idea sex. I'm exhausted with trying to get my thoughts out on this blog, I feel totally asexual and I don't know how long this will last. Ho hum.

Gay Urges Explained

Lately I've been masturbating to gay material pretty much exclusively. I don't know if this is because I'm becoming more gay, less bisexual, or if I'm gearing up for my first experience, or if I'm finally giving up on women or what. It's weird because usually I'm pretty self aware and clued-in to what's going on inside of me. This one is kind of confusing though. I've been on the gay/straight fence for so long, sometimes I wonder if I'm hanging on to bisexuality in the hopes that there's a women out there for me. It's like I'm afraid to give up on women, afraid to totally disavow my attraction to them, for fear that I'd be letting something go that I still want. But then the pain of failure surfaces again and I immediately feel the bitterness bubble up... They make it so hard! And I'm not just talking about my dick.

I simply want my cock worshiped. I don't care what gender gives it the attention it needs, just as long as I'm attracted to them, and as long as they treat my trouser snake like a friggin' king-god. Kneel before it, kiss it, lick it, suck it, shower it with love and affection. Treat it like an altar, a sacrament, show it respect and admiration. Force it down your throat, expertly guide it deep into your ass. Love every inch.

The most alluring thing about having a gay experience is the assumption that my cock will be treated to the attentive affections of someone who knows what the hell they are doing. What makes dicks feel good is no mystery to gay men. They understand cock intimately, what it craves, what makes it tick. The penis is not an extraordinarily complex organ, yet it can shrivel in the hands of the inexperienced and the timid.

I want to be naked on a bed, lean back with my hands behind my head, and have some muscular masseuse oil my engine and coax out a cumload. I want an intimate massage from some hot beefcake, and see him get hard through high-cut silky gym shorts. Then reach out while he stands over me and stroke his cum out all over my chest and abs.

Pendulum Away From the Pedestal

Since I've been writing this blog, I've been more clued in to my sex drive on a daily basis. Writing about sexy things every day has got me feeling horny most of the time. My posts are often spontaneous, but when I'm writing my stories, I usually take a few days to play out the scenarios in my head, and decide how I want the story to go. During this time I am constantly thinking about sexual fantasies and flirtatious situations.

I like to have photos accompany my short stories, so I'll do a lot of porn surfing looking for the right pic. Several times I have found something different than what I was looking for, but something so hot that I have to grab hold of my cock and jerk off right there. This constant stimulation can add days to when a story I'm writing actually gets published, as I keep getting distracted with all the porn surfing and wanking.

My libido has been swinging from straight to gay lately, leaving not much else in between. The other week when I was writing about ex-girlfriends and the pleasures of pussy, my sex drive was focused on women, all my porn surfing dedicated to jerking off to pictures of hot, young, naked women.

Last week, though, I have felt scantly the urge to stroke my love muscle to pictures of women. I've only been surfing for pictures of big beautiful cocks, cute fuckable guys, pert shaved little assholes, muscular asses, shoulders, hips and thighs. My dreams have been consumed with a lust for cock. Pussy has barely even crossed my mind.

I'm generally a shy person, and I think that's what keeps me from going out and trying to hook up. Although I have only thus far fantasized about gay sex, somehow it doesn't seem like it would be that hard to get. Guys love to fuck. I'm sure women do too, but our society has this crazy prude/slut dilemma in which women use the prospect of sex for manipulation. My impression is that most women don't really like sex on a fundamental level, but they know men do, so they use it as a tool to manipulate men into doing what they want. They use pussy as leverage to control them.

Whereas between two men, they know the whole point is to get laid, there's no misunderstanding there. And they haven't had all this Cinderella, glass slipper, Knight in Shining Armor bullshit driven down their throats their whole life. They haven't been tricked by this damsel in distress imagery that makes American women think their cunts are the holy grail, a secret treasure only to be deployed when she thinks he might be her Prince Charming, a lure to get that ring on her finger. Then the majority of men who commit to traditional marriage have put the pussy on a pedestal, and rarely ever get to see it again. Countless married men have proven this theory.

Now, I'm sure there are exceptions to every rule, and sexual dynamics are greater than my atrophied perspective. I imagine much of my impetus for the development of this theory has been my overall difficulty in assuming the roles required of men to "get laid" by American women [Side note: American women are mostly prude in their home country, though I have heard they cut loose overseas]. The behavior publicly displayed by men to try to get in some chick's pants is nothing short of comical.

I'm looking forward to testing my theory at the gay bar. It's not a matter of not having the opportunity, it's a matter of going outside of my comfort range to allow the prospect to arise. But once I'm there, I have a feeling that talking to guys and hooking up will feel more natural and not as contrived as in the hetero world. Women demand a mind-boggling array of flips, jumps, hoops, performance tests, shell games, mystery and silent innuendo to get into their pants. Men will take yours off for you.

Lily's Triangle

I just got off the phone with a former lover. She told me she just started stripping. Damn right girl! She has a smoking hot body, perfect sized tits, knows how to dance, is into porn, so I always wondered why she hadn't been a stripper before. She has this way of never aging. Her body is small and petite, and she always reminds me of the 21 year-old girl I first met way back in '96, even though she is now 33. Now that she's a stripper, I'm tempted to go visit her and get a right proper lap dance!

She first shaved her pussy at my request. I had asked her to do a little femscaping so I could get a better angle at eating her clit. She readily agreed. Later the next day she said, "my pussy's felt things she's never felt before!" The smooth exposed condition of her clit left it vulnerable to casual rubs during normal daily movement, and she was amazed at the clitoral delights she could enjoy during regular moments throughout the day. She was instantly hooked, and as far as I know, she hasn't stopped trimming since.

They way she shapes her pussy hair is just so sexy. She shaves her outer lips, and then wide strips on her bikini line, then shaves off everything above her clit except for one little perfectly shaped triangle. It is a beautiful thing. Her pussy lips are a unique orchid of lovely folds, and when I porn surf and see a cunt like hers it always reminds me of her. The way she trimmed her pussy, the way it looked so pretty, the way it tasted. I remember it having a distinct, strong yet not unpleasant taste, not unlike her personality. She's a strong, independent, wildly sexy woman, and she's got the pussy to match.

She told me just now that she has a committed boyfriend. I have to admit I'm a little disappointed that I won't have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid if I go to see her. The thought of not getting to see that meticulously trimmed little snatch of hers makes those miles seem all but too far to drive.

The last time we got to fool around was two years ago. We did see each other last year. I even got us a hotel suite for the night, but somehow she was disinterested in sex. I was absolutely devastated. She cock-blocked me, and jerking off did nothing to squelch the fervor churning in my nuts.

Two years ago, we probably had our most vigorous sex ever, though I didn't get to actually fuck that sweet beautiful pussy of hers. She made me fuck her face, which was great because years ago she had said she would never deep throat. Now here she was, hanging her head off the bed, and I was wearing a metal cockring and hard as a rock, literally fucking her throat, balls against her nose. It was great! Of course I came and that was that, and she went to bed.

I still have unfinished business with her. We were talking about sex before she let me fuck her throat that night, and she said we could stick a vibrator up her ass while I fucked her. We never got to do that, and I'm still holding out fleeting hope that maybe we'll have the chance to fulfill that fantasy. She loves anal sex, but always said my cock was too big for her ass. Whatever, girl.

I'll be moving clear across the country soon, and won't get to see her every year or two anymore. I feel sad that we won't have a chance to be occasional lovers again. Sometimes when we saw each other back in the day, neither of us had gotten laid in a while, and the release and familiarity was a truly wonderful thing. She's a good lay, and my cock fits inside of her cunt hole like hand in glove. And her body just won't quit!

I wish her well in her new relationship, though I would jump at the chance to fuck her again, the fine little package of a woman that she is. She knows I'm bi, so maybe I'll send her this post. Let her know how I really feel. I'm secretly hoping she'll break up with this guy before I take one last road trip up her way, but it's not nice to wish ill will on others. Hey... maybe he's bi too! Yeah right, keep dreaming kid.

Attention Surplus Disorder

Since I started coming out on this blog and revealing my secret sexual thoughts and revelations, my sex drive has felt like a Ferrari with the throttle stuck open.

I’ve jerked off no less that three times a day since I started this blog, sometimes as much as five times a day. The skin on my cock has started to get calloused! And even has been rubbed raw on more than one occasion. The problem with sex blogs is that you get all aroused thinking, writing about, and expressing sexual thoughts all day.

Soon my libido will have to take a rest. Dicks are meant to plunge into warm, moist, tight holes, with the help of some form of lubrication. Rough, dry, palms and fingers are a last resort. But as the sexual tension builds while I discuss my own taboos, the constant bulging and shrinking cycles in my shorts have got my balls swelled up as big as goose eggs!

I am in need of service with a happy ending like a fish needs water. Anyone care to help?