Back After a Looooong Break... Not much has changed.

They were going to take this and all sexually explicit blogs away, which forced me to make a decision about what to do with the whole thing. Move it? Archive it? Scrap it? Monetize it? Got absorbed going back over everything and realized not much has changed, that is to say, my cock got hard and needed to be touched! And so maybe there is more I need to explore about this side of me that I have now come to accept and even embrace. After all the self hatred and fear that maybe I was gay, my self image is now so much less rigid. What the hell does it matter what sexual label I am? There's what I like when I like it and all for reasons that I don't even have to understand or unpack. Listening to the Savage Love Cast has helped me so much just to release myself from this self-imposed repression. Simple fact is I like me some cock sometimes.

Plus I've been watching a lot of gay porn lately and still have so much to share with all of you!

Final Post?

I have moved past this blog and my fears - with its help. Writing all this helped me sort out my feelings and explore fantasies in a free and anonymous environment. It served me well, but the time has come to move on.

Patrick and I broke up soon after I became disinterested in sex. I found myself thinking of nothing but women when he and I were having sex, I lost interest in gay porn and surfing the net for thick, juicy cocks. It's as if being with him brought me a greater clarity about my sexuality. But in a way that I did not expect. I don't know what I'd been afraid of all these years. Gay sex is really no big deal, it's just a matter of whether that gets you off or not. And everyone has a right to get off.

I used to be homophobic, until I realized that I was afraid of my own gay side. Once I got the courage to explore that side of me, I found out that it wasn't something to be afraid of.

To anyone who might just now be wondering if they're gay, please don't hesitate to get out there and get laid - find out NOW because life is too short to keep yourself from being happy. Just go for it.

-Benny

Takin' a Break

Been at this blog for six months to the day. I've come a long way to figuring this all out, much in part thanks to this blog. And now I need a break. Don't know when I'll be back, as writing has been hard for me lately. Though I'm still confused and searching, I'm having trouble putting my feelings to words. Don't know if this is "goodbye" but definitely a "later" while I sort out my apathy toward my little blog here.

Cowboys

Possible Three Way Raises Questions

I've never had a group sex experience, but it's something I've always been open to. Of course I have fantasized about the two girl one guy thing like every other straight man in the world, and for a long time - even before I realized I was bi - I dreamt about double teaming a chick or watching a guy fuck his woman. Although it's something I've always wanted to do, I've never had the opportunity. Now that I know I'm at least partially bisexual, I can add an all-male group sex experience to the lifetime sexual wish list.

Patrick thinks that one of his lovers would be a good match for us in a three way. The guy is a closeted bisexual and they've been having sex together for seven years. Patrick says they have hot passionate sex, and that I'd have to get up to speed to be able to fit in with them. Not that we don't have hot sex, just that they have had so much time to establish their connection. Patrick says he doesn't think I'm comfortable enough yet with gay sex to get the best out of a three way. He doesn't think we've developed our sexual vibe enough yet.

In some ways I see his point, especially since he's right that I'm still exploring my comfort zone with it all. And to be honest, since I posted about it earlier, our sex life has continued to dwindle. The other night when I went over we barely even kissed. No hot sex like the first three nights, though he said it didn't bother him.

But then in other ways I don't really see his point, because it sort of ties a carrot out in front of me. I kind of resent him bringing up a threeway, but then saying I've got work to do. I can't help but see it as a manipulative move to get me to suck his cock more, or let him play more with my ass, or even fuck it.

I don't often respond well to behavior that seems manipulative. And it might end up encouraging my pullback in sexual interest with him. Which would be a drag because I'd really like to have a threeway!

Give Me a Bisexual Boyfriend

Wouldn't it be great to have a bisexual boyfriend? I'd want him to be totally fit and hot, charming, funny, and he must love to suck cock. Have him be totally smooth with the ladies, great at convincing hot chicks to come home with us to screw. Maybe we could take one of our girlfriends up into the mountains to a remote campsite and fuck her right out in the open under the sky.

Lacy HNT 2

My New Blog

FYI: I just started a new blog yesterday, Cock-A-Day. It's pretty boring right now, 'cause there's only one or two pics on there, but I intend to post a new random cockshot every day for... well we'll see how long it will last. I have a huge collection of digital photos, hundreds of cockshots, so I'll try to keep the content fresh and not repeat any pics from this blog. Hope you enjoy it, if not, enjoy something.

Straight Porn After Gay Sex

Sunday night I masturbated to straight porn after I got home from Patrick's. While I was over there I couldn’t cum again, even though he was doing things to me that felt so good and had helped me get off before. I left kind of frustrated thinking that I was going to have to practically jerk the skin off my dick to get off that night.

So when I came home I fired up the DVD unenthusiastically, one of the "Bang That Teen Pussy" series, just an intro part of a model playing with herself before she gets fucked. She had small tits, a nice trimmed blond pussy, beautifully toned petite body, and she wasn't too pretty, so she had that perfect girl next door kind of look.

Watching her little fit body as she bashfully played with her pussy got me so hot that I came so hard it landed on my face. I can't remember the last time I launched a cumload onto my face, if I ever have at all.

It's great having a boyfriend, but it's pretty clear I gotta get some pussy! I also need to sleep with some other men and see if this dilemma is just about Patrick, or having sex with men in general.

Confused Over Confusion

I spent practically the whole weekend with Patrick. He had me over for dinner and drinks on Saturday night, we stayed up until 4am. I might as well have stayed the night, because I ended up watching the NFL playoffs with him all day Sunday anyway. We had a really great time. We had sex a couple times too, and in different ways than before. It was actually pretty nice.

Previously I posted that I was feeling kind of bored with the sex, and I brought it up to him on Saturday. I told him that I just don't feel that inspired by sucking cock, and that I was confused about why it takes so much effort for me to cum because a lot of what we do together is really pretty hot. I told him that most of the time we were together I was thinking about women.

I expected him to be crushed, but instead he said something that could not have been more perfect, "well I think that's because you are a true bisexual." He is so patient and understanding it blows me away. And the time we spend together is so affectionate, just cuddling, talking and laughing. It's all romance and passion and sensuality. In a lot of ways, all of that is better than the sex.

I'm kind of tripping out about not feeling all that into sucking his cock. It's not like it's exceptionally big or obnoxious, it's clean and well groomed. I dunno why but it's like it simultaneously turns me on and off. It gets me hard to have him in my mouth, but then I almost immediately lose interest in doing anything with it. Poor guy, it must be driving him nuts. lol

Patrick Hates My Crossdressing

I guess he's is not into queens. They turn him off the same way women do. So it stands to reason that he's not so into my crossdressing stuff. He's not into the skirts or dresses, heels or hose. The idea of me wearing my lacy top around his house just turns him off, he says. In a way it's kind of weird because I just want to feel natural around him, and a lot of times I just want to be nude or wear women's clothes because, well, that's what feels natural. It's only about comfort, so I find it pretty interesting that he doesn't want me to wear my girlie shit around him.

Maybe it makes him uncomfortable, I don't know. Maybe he's so gay that anything feminine turns him off on a fundamental level. When I asked him about it, he said that he was attracted to men, not women. He told me about another closeted bisexual lover who also likes that stuff, but that as for himself the women's shit just doesn't do it for him. [Note to self: gotta meet this other guy he's talking about!]

What's really interesting about it for me is the way it illustrates different people's arousal triggers. For him the arousal comes from the sexuality of masculinity. Whereas I think for me the arousal comes, perhaps, from the fantasy of being a woman. The clothes give me the experience of what women get to wear, while I get to role-play their gender and fantasize about having a straight women's sexuality. And get fucked by some handsome and manly guy.

This dynamic that I have with Patrick is really bringing up some deep introspection. What is the basis of my attraction to men? Is it physical or fantasy? A combination of both? Or do I simply have a fascination with being perverted - that I need to continually up the ante to get off? Is this gay experience authentic or is it just my attempts to raise my sexual bet: "I'll call your crossdressing, and raise with a blowjob and fuck in the ass."

I understand how men dressing up in women's clothes could turn off a gay guy. The same way I understood when one of my past girlfriends couldn't stop laughing any time I wore women's clothes. She just thought it was funny, not sexy. I have had girlfriends and lovers who thought it was really hot, though most of the time I've kept very private about my panty thievery, cock ring hobby, heel fetish, and other unmentionables.

Bisexual Pornucopia 5

On Boredom and Butt Play

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Ass HNT

Me and my new favorite skirt.

Solo Sexual

Our Third Night

The other night last week with Patrick was only our third night together, but it felt so natural that it could have been our thirteenth or thirtieth night. We have a connection that just makes it so easy to hang out. I don’t feel the need to pretend to be someone else or to fake it in any way. It just is what it is, and we are who we are. What could be more simple and good?

He made me another amazing dinner, lasagna and a killer tossed salad. After dinner I confessed to him that I wasn’t feeling very sexy or sexual that night (or so I thought). I talked to him about the scruffy face issue, that I wasn’t so into it, so he leaned over to brush his face against my lips, “what about now?” he asked. He had done an exquisite job shaving, and I was surprised to find his face really quite soft and smooth.

“Much better,” I sighed with a smile, giving in to a passionate kiss. Wasn’t I going to try to keep my hands off of him? Shit. Well, maybe it’s true, “the best laid plans of mice and men often go awry.”

I told him about how I didn’t know why, but I liked playing with his cock better when it’s soft, that I’m intimidated by it somehow when it’s hard. That it’s more of a Funky Elephant crush for me at the moment. I don’t know how, but he seemed to understand. If a woman had ever told me that my cock intimidated her, the sexual beast in me would stroll up to the podium in my head and declare, “Fuck. Her. Now.” Because I know what it’s like to be a man, I immediately recognized and respected his ability to show a little restraint.

We talked for about an hour, about all kinds of stuff, whatever came to mind. Of course the conversation steered towards sex, because that seems to always come to mind. And then all of a sudden, Patrick was sucking my cock. Gentle, gentle, gentle, not so rough. I don’t want to be consumed tonight, merely teased. Keep the Electrolux unplugged for now, I’m content to fuck only the off switch tonight.

I just wanted to dabble anytime he was soft, but mostly I kept him out of my mouth for the night. We made out and played around with each others cocks on and off for hours like the other nights. Edging he calls it. Just playing a bit, backing off, playing a bit, backing off. I didn’t know it had a name, I had done it sometimes masturbating when I had the time to jerk off all day, or when I wanted to dump a really huge cumload.

The sex that night was different, detached, more play than passion. Somehow Patrick seemed to be satisfied just worshiping my body, jerking off onto me while I laid back on couch. I’m impressed that he doesn’t seem to have the need to penetrate to get off. As if I’m living pornography for him to speckle with cum splotches. The voyeur/exhibitionist aspect of it is kinda kinky, a real turn on for me.

This time when he jerked off over me, his cumload was the most I’d ever seen him do. I used his cum to lubricate my cock and masturbate. I tried to cum, but I couldn’t. Sigh.

Since I was a total mess, I went to the shower to clean off, and there I kind of started to trip out. “Is my man-crush over? Why can’t I cum? Why do I keep wishing he had a cunt? Why can’t I cum? Is this the bisexual dilemma? What the fuck? Why can’t I cum?”

I fixed something on his computer for him, got his msn email to sound a new email alert – which is very easy to do, I am not bragging about computer skills here ;) - and of course being impressed with my familiarity around the OS, Patrick quickly had his hands all over my body. When he’s touching me, our affections have few limits. So naturally, soon we were both naked again, and he was straddled over me, our balls touching, our dicks entwined as we made out.

He slid down my body and gently took my balls into his mouth, which had always had hurt before, but tonight it felt divine. He carefully sucked my tender balls while I jerked off and came closer and closer to climax. Then he stood up, leaned into me and I pumped our cocks side by side with my knuckles together and finally came, spurting out onto our chests. Patrick collapsed on me, both of us breathing heavily. It was another night to remember.

Corner of Confusion and Let Down Alley

My craigslist ad has gotten more responses than I thought it would, though no response has led to anything close as to what I have with Patrick. It's been a real eye opener to experience first hand the differences between the straight and gay worlds.

One of my respondents is a pretty attractive lady in her early 50's. We've been trading emails for almost two weeks now, and she invited me over to dinner last night at her house. There was obviously chemistry when I got there, but clearly far more baggage involved than with Patrick. She told me about her son (son? not mentioned before) and her current divorce (divorce? that's a new one) and how she's not sure if she'll even be in this town three months down the road (three months? okay then). Then of course came out the ultimate straight-dating buzz kill: she's just looking for friends.

Just friends? Jeezus. What the fuck's up with answering a "men seeking women" personal ad then? I know what's up with it, maybe I just had forgotten how contrived heterosexual dating can be. All the games. All the shades of truth. All the saying "yes" when they really mean "no" - I still want pussy but not all the bullshit. Am I asking too much?

Nice Jeans 2

Patrick Tells The Truth

Patrick has confessed something to me, and I'm surprised it doesn't bother me more.

When he responded to my craigslist ad, he said he was a young 49. When I got to his place the first night, I thought he didn't look so young for 49, but he still grew on me as the night went on. It was like our connection transcended age. It was more our spirits that connected. So what if he's ten years older?

Well, since we have such a strong connection, he decided to tell me his real age. According to him he has never told any lover his real age before. It honestly seems kind of foreign to me to live life that way, because I hate to try to keep track of all the lies out there, who I told what and trying to keep it all straight - what a waste of energy! I figured this out when I was a teen still living with my parents. All my other friends were trying to come up with elaborate schemes to get away with this or that or go to a drinking party or use their fake ID's to get into a strip club, etc. Because of my honesty I even got them in trouble sometimes, not being able to keep it together as to what the story was when this person or that person happens to be within earshot. Deception takes a lot out of me, and I generally avoid it at all costs.

So believe it or not, dear reader, my Patrick is 64 years old! My God! He's my friggin' parent's age! Regardless, I forgive him because if he had said he was that old from the start, I doubt I would have ever agreed to meet him. And besides, most all of the 25-year-old chicks that I'm interested in think 39 is over the hill. They would have no idea that I get carded for looking so young if I met them online, so I too have felt the urge to augment my youth when flirting online in chat rooms or whatever. It's so stupid that people place such high importance on just a number. They set limits and judgments in their mind about how people of a certain age act, and all it does is limit what experiences, friends and lovers they could have in their lives.

What really blows me away is that Patrick's only a couple years younger than my parents, but I still lust after him. I still dream about his cock. It's kind of weird because there's also this element of taboo there, like I'm fucking my grandpa. Gross huh? But he's not like any other sixty-plus year-old that I have ever met. He has opened my eyes in so many ways, that dirty old man! Lucky bastard gets a young, visceral, sex-crazed boyfriend out of the deal. Can I please be that lucky when I'm 64?

Lacy HNT